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You Smell!

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You Smell

What is that smell that seems to follow you around in the hallways, on the bus, in the classroom? It is the smell of the teenager going through puberty, the business man with slicked back hair, the college kid wearing a dress shirt going to a club. Everyone has smelled that person who is wearing so much cologne that it forms a taste in your mouth, making you gag up a little bit of that morning’s breakfast. It doesn’t matter which generation you are from, this epidemic will follow you throughout life as long as the caliber of certain persons remains as dull and oblivious as today. There may be ways to alleviate the issue but no one cares because no one is going to read this paper,

I remember when we were just hitting that part of life where everything revolved around finding someone to call your girl/boyfriend. Everything we did was for the opposite sex. It was called puberty! Our first thought was driven by this newfound sexual attraction and the best way to improve our facade as a whole was to smell nice. The girls had it made. They could smell like anything and boys would still chase them. Boys were still “icky” to girls because they were dirty and smelly. So what did we do? We showered and sprayed half a bottle of Polo Sport on our skin and clothes. Then, in high school, the greatest invention was introduced to kids who didn’t have time to wear fancy Ralph Lauren fragrances or shower as often as they wanted. The Axe generation was born. It was a shower and fragrance in one convenient aerosol can. The only problem is it birthed the “sweet funk” generation, which was a mutated fusion of gym socks and daisies. These are the kids who have that mix of sweat and fragrance wrapped up into a completely new, disgusting smell that is worse than if they just smelled like sweat.

It doesn’t stop with girl-crazed teenage boys because there is no age limit to olfactory oblivion. In college the mission to find a girl becomes more of a challenge, so naturally we wear more cologne when we are out at clubs and parties. It is as if we want to be smelled before we are seen, and that is exactly what happens. As a girl, you should be able to avoid us the whole night because we have a ten foot radius bubble that surrounds us, warding off the people who can actually taste the citrusy zest of the creeper’s cologne. The girls have hit their amazingly smelly phase in life where everything they own has some fragrant lift to it. In the process of getting ready for the night they apply more smells, which are completely different, than any person should. They have cherry shampoo and almond conditioner mixed with that smell of burn hair from curling and straitening irons. Their fancy nail polish smells like a headache, their lips like shiny strawberries, and their skin like cocoa butter. On top of that they will spray whatever fragrance all over the room and walk into the mist, completely coating all the other smells. We men kept it simple with our cologne and our sweat, but women brought the term potluck to smells.

You might think that maturity helps to subdue the need to shower in cologne but those same people from back in school are stinking up your office. Now they have the fresh overcoat with the cleanly shaved face and slicked back hair. They use more hair grease than cologne, but that is another issue. Again, this is the man who is trying to attract a woman in the workplace, which I hear is a no-no. Meanwhile, the boss is wearing the most fragrance to assert his dominance over the minions being controlled like puppets on strings. The women stop wearing nice, young scents and start smelling like your mom. She’s a business woman now. She has a different agenda for the purpose of her fragrance. She wants to smell professional while the men want to be liked, and this is how it will stay for the rest of human existence.

The problem with over-applying is that people only smell what they want to smell in their delusional minds. They think they smell great but I’m sitting next to them on the bus gagging in my mind, trying to find some bubble of fresh air to return me to sanity. I can’t find it so I sit and choke on the air, much like you would in a New York City subway. This issue is due to a surplus of air in the head where, like with many issues, the person never took the time to realize how much smelly stuff they were wearing. They see advertisements for fragrances that have the latest and greatest pheromone that is a proven aphrodisiac. It is said to be a magnet that will have anyone from the opposite crawling all over you. This sounds good to the average Joe. It is a perpetual problem that will never be solved as long as opposites attract and fragrances are seen as some magical aphrodisiac. They won’t get you a partner, especially with your spraying habits!

So, is there some way to get these people to clean out their noses and simulate some awareness in them? Maybe they should pick their nose more. They could be taught self-restraint so that they stop spraying after six direct shots to the chest. My favorite solution would be to have them move to New York City where any person in the street would be more than ready to call you out and say, “Hey! You smell!” Women need to stop dancing though their spritzes because they are not the star of a music video and you have no way of measuring how much smell is sticking to you. Applying fragrances is not a dance move. Also, if you have glitter that smells like candy then throw it away. You have enough smelly things. Guys need to implement a regular showering schedule and know that just because you don’t wear cologne every day doesn’t mean you can make up for it by wearing a weeks worth in one night out. Practice moderation and this paper will no longer apply to you. I’m from New York so I better not smell you in the streets.

Updated 11th May 2008 at 05:30 PM by EnvYuS



  1. EnvYuS's Avatar
    Sorry for the delay Jamie...

    I wrote it for a class but I really didn't know what to call it. I wanted to call it an article, or I could have changed the words "paper" to "blog" but I didn't. I'm glad at least someone read it and possibly enjoyed it.
  2. CoL's Avatar
    Only one thing, it aint always the opposites that attract ;op


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