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Axe "Proximity" Bergamot - A Review

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AXE PROXIMITY<< BERGAMOT

assuming a permanent place in my wardrobe

********************

Who was it who said "Hope springs eternal?" Well, it was somebody. I guess that's close enough. And in that spirit, let us take a small detour from fine fragrance into something that's.... close.

Being the proud and satisfied owner of several fine bergamot fragrances, including some other citrus fragrances which are "close" to bergamot, I generally feel it right and proper to investigate anything with the word "bergamot" on the label. Thus, on a particularly retentive trip to Target (Tar-zhay in English), I was overcome by an urge to own every bergamot fragrance, including the recent entry from Unilever, Axe Proximity Bergamot.

Note the absence of an "e" at the end of "Bergamot". I was curious about this rather artistic deletion. It turns out that Axe Proximity Bergamot is not produced by The Different Company, a fancy-pants French company that produces an industrial solvent known to Eastern Liberals and Hollywood Millionaires as "Divine Bergamote" or more simply "Bergamote". Au contrary, Axe Proximity Bergamot is made in the Good Old USA by people like me.

Well, that's all fine and good, but completely irrelevant. We perfumisorinosseuroscente-types know that it's the bottle that counts, so let's review that.

Axe Proximity Bergamot starts of boldly and unabashedly with a powerful note of broken spray mechanism. This note, first introduced by Creed in the Palinocene Epoch, has been copied relentlessly by all the designer houses (although many regard it as having been perfected by niche). Axe Proximity Bergamot, however, introduces a new twist on broken. Here, broken is elegantly wrapped in a rather opaque dash of black plastique. Similar to black rubber, introduced by Thierry de Baschmakoff in Bulgari Black, black plastique adds an elegant, high-tech touch to this fragrance. While one could argue that wrapping broken in plastique defeats the purpose of a broken note, I find that it adds considerably to the overall effect.

Not only that - I found broken spray mechanism to be richly complex, with hints of inaccessibility, redolence of physical impossibility, and a very sophisticated touch of ingenious but flimsy, first introduced by the great scent designer, Rube Goldberg.

As the topnotes of the bottle fade, a distinctly metallic accord takes its place. Hints of greenery and a black, paint-like note dance in and out as the rather cylindrical heart unfolds. While this cold metallic effect does last for the remainder of the fragrance, there are some surprising notes in the base. Among these are barcode, zip code, and serial number. The latter should not be confused with lot number, which is part of the well-known Creed drydown. In contrast with lot number, serial number is rather high tech, and not found in many fragrances.

The final surprises of Axe Proximity Bergamot, deep in the base, are three notes which appear and disappear in rapid succession: ?, P, and W. I found these rather intriguing. A closer sniff, slightly to the right, revealed that these are (in order) questions/comments?, toll-free phone number, and website. The presence of these notes in the drydown clearly distinguish this fragrance from all imitators, including various Creeds and Chanels. Even Bergamote lacks website - this despite the fact that The Different Company has a rather outstanding one. Thus, it's clear that Axe Proximity Bergamot is completely unique among bergamot fragrances.

I could not finish this review without mentioning the scent itself. On a positive note, I would say that "no live plants were harmed in the manufacture of this fragrance". I does have a rather linear structure composed of three notes - "smells kinda like bergamot", synthetic, and "almost powdery". The first (SKLB) decreases slightly over time. Synthetic remains constant throughout the duration of the fragrance. Almost powdery appears in the base. That's pretty much it. I thus find the contention that women would rip one's clothes off to smell this stuff to be a rather vicious slur against the fairer sex.

Nevertheless, I am a scientist, and I decided to test the aphrodisiac effects of the fragrance. Indeed, I found that when I made amorous advances toward my wife in her sleep, while wearing this fragrance, she did not wake up. Well, actually she did wake up, but it was due to my breath, and not the fragrance. Proof positive that the Axe effect is quite real.

There you have it. Axe "Proximity" Bergamot. Close - as in horseshoes, hand grenades, and nuclear synthetic bergamoid bombs.
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Comments

  1. jalexhrovat's Avatar
    Just came across your review and found it very well put together and amusing. I love the cynicism.
  2. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks! I was in a really weird state when I wrote it, to be completely honest. Most of the time I'm pretty upbeat about things, but I was incredibly disappointed by this fragrance (and that's with some pretty low expectations). Nevertheless, I woke up the next morning in a damn good mood, despite staying up late repairing the bottle. The only way I was going to review this was with a smile on my face, one way or another. So this thing pops out. Later, I read it and said to myself "Jeez - what a jerk - picking on a $4 fragrance. What was I expecting? Some people probably worked really hard to make that stuff smell as good as it does at that price." But I have a personal policy of no longer concealing my errors, so I have to let it stand.

    Long story short, I'm glad somebody found it amusing! Thanks again!
  3. Pollux's Avatar
    Excellent review!!!
  4. everso's Avatar
    LOL! great review....sounds like a kick ass mechanism!
  5. RocknRick's Avatar
    Now that was a ton of words. I didn't even pay for mine, came free with the room at the Hard Rock. None of my expensive scents were turning heads, so after it was sitting on my shelf for months, I said I will try this, I didn't even know what it smelled like until then.

    Shocked, it smelled like I just got out of the shower, hmmmm girls like clean guys, and that explains how dirtbags are probably talking to nice women, now they don't have to shower to smell good - interesting, right?

    The last 4 girls I talked to, and I know these girls too, all fell in love with me. Now come on, the only difference was this stupid little bottle of spray? How do I explain this. It's true,they don't comment on how good you smell, but there is something underlying that is working all too well.

    In fact, one girl came over to tell me how much of an ass she thought I was, 30 minutes later she was in my hot tub, and telling me we should be in a relationship.

    I don't know if this is good or bad, but man there are 4 girls that used to be fun to hang out with that I now have to avoid. WTF.

    Any comments from professionals in the industry? I would gladly read them.

    Maybe the Hard Rock added something to it so everyone gets lucky. The hard rock sample should be tested against the walmart bottle..

    Let me know - there are some bars I probably shouldn't wear this into - haha
    Updated 2nd July 2009 at 04:25 AM by RocknRick
  6. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    LOL! Enjoyed your comment very much!

    In fact, one girl came over to tell me how much of an ass she thought I was, 30 minutes later she was in my hot tub, and telling me we should be in a relationship.
    As far as Proximity goes, I think that's truth in advertising!

    You're right about the not having to shower thing. A lot of the kids in HS are apparently getting out of gym with an "Axe shower". But I note that for all the teachers that are getting gagged by the stuff, these ARE apparently the guys who are getting the girls. Hmmmm.......

    Thanks for stopping in, Rick!

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