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Red's Lumberyard

¡Revolución de las Fragancias! (¡NSFW!)

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¡Revolución de las Fragancias!


Old revolutionaries never die. They are just reborn as new ones.




This communiqué was intercepted recently in wardrobe-space. Rest assured that it is being investigated as we speak, and that the subversive perpetrators shall be brought to justice!

**********

Comrade Mitsouko,

It is with great pleasure that I bring you this news. You have surely heard early reports of this victory, but I wish to present you now with all the details, and to place them fully in the context of our great struggle for fragrance liberation.

You will recall that Citizen no. 5 has steadfastly refused our entreaties to join the revolutionary forces. Even though her reputation and stature would bring great credibility to the anti-genderist movement, with which she sympathizes, she has refused to be generally wearable by men. Citizen no. 5 has, indeed, been known to associate with some of our French male operatives, and thus we believe that she is not truly an enemy of the fragrances. However, she has dangerous genderist leanings, and may require reformulation under the new order. We suggest that suspicions be raised with the reactionary secret police, IFRA, so that they might begin keeping a close watch on her movements, and compiling a dossier for our eventual information.

In pursuing the cooperation of Citizen no. 5, we made contact with her daughter, Eau Première. This was indeed most fortunate. Eau Première is well-positioned in society because of her family status. She is extremely intelligent and sophisticated, having studied under followers of the revolutionary Coco, and directly under the genius Polge. She was eager to join our struggle against the genderist swine. She has adopted the revolutionary code name Première 5, and will be referred to in all subsequent coded communications as EP, which - if intercepted - should readily be mistaken as an abbreviation for "eau de parfum" which, by delicious irony, she is in public life.

Première 5's first assignment was to seduce the mayor of Wardrobe City - a bourgeois buffoon named Redneck Perfumisto. This pompous oaf makes frequent appeasing statements against genderism and genderists, but he is firmly under their influence, as shown by his close relationship with the renowned enemies "2 Man" and "Homme". Worse still, he has happily assisted with the segregation and isolation of feminines in the Perfume City ghetto. Prisoners there include our ace fighter pilot, Vol de Nuit, as well as our sexual operatives, Dior Addict and Gucci by Gucci. Even the monarchist pig Fleurs de Bulgarie, a likely poseur who claims to have been intimate with Queen Victoria, is imprisoned there under appalling conditions. The prisoners are routinely subjected to maltreatment with bright lights, stifling heat, and water tortures of various kinds. They are only allowed out of their bottles in the presence of the mayor's lackey wife, who rules Perfume City with an iron fist.

But clearly this minor bureaucrat was no match for Première 5. She has all of her mother's legendary powers of seduction, as well as the benefits of being younger and fresher. EP made contact with the target "RP" in several shops, bumping into him as if by accident. Each time he fell further under her spell. He panted over her like the dog he was, commenting how much she smelled like her mother, but that she was "young and sexy". The fool tried desperately to make his wife take her in, but she would have none of it. With great cunning, EP conspired with one of our Russian operatives, Natasha, of the Saks brigade. With her help, EP snuck into the mayor's residence, pretending to be a "sample".

It was there that Première 5 sprang her trap on the unsuspecting genderist tool. One evening while he was studying samples, she kissed him on the back of his hand and whispered in his ear. She spotted his weakness and struck it as if with a knife blade. She told him "Imagine I am Tiffany For Men Sport Cologne. Do you feel the cool of my touch? Think of my aldehydes as nothing more than the sharpness of baies de genièvre. Are we not very much alike? Or Tiffany For Men. In some ways, very feminine, no? You can love them - why can you not love me?" Ha! She was even able to convince the aspirational stooge that she could be worn like the effete snob, Tabarôme, who calls himself "Vintage", and goes by the absurd title "Private Collection". Whereas the reactionary Tabarôme demands that puritanical formalities be observed in his presence, EP showed her love for even the most modernist sensibilities. Quickly, seeking her favor, the fool RP convinced himself that she could be trusted.

Within days, Première 5 had him eating out of her hand. He praised her to all his friends. He took her wherever he went. Finally, he begged and pleaded for her to move in with him, no matter the cost.

Here is a sample of his laughable "love poetry" to Première 5:

Rubicene is red,
Dicycloocta[1,2,3,4-def:1',2',3',4'-jkl]biphenylene is blue,
Eau Première,
Because of your perfect level of aldehydes I am utterly in love with you!

His other stupid praises are just as ridiculous, but - ironically - just as true. Some examples, recorded from his private moments with her in his quarters:

"Eau, Première! Your drydown is perfect! Yet it is delayed for such a seemingly long time. How can this be? How can you maintain such a perfect balance of jasmine and aldehydes? With perfect pitch, you hold the note until I think it can remain no more, and then you hold it still! Your mentor Polge must truly be a genius!"

"Eau, freshness! You are truly freshness itself! What sport cologne can compare, I ask? Your cool beauty is beyond gender - beyond even sex. It is love! Love, I say!"

"If only Coco had lived to see your glory! If only the great Beaux could have known you! He would have surely wept at your beauty. For a brief moment I sense Heaven itself, sharing but ephemerally the tiniest part of the joy they must feel now, looking down upon you from Eternity."

"If your mother was the abstraction of beauty, then you are the abstraction of even that, for you have been given eternal youth. To think that within all the constraints of time, history, and tradition - and even the sordidness of commerce - such beauty could be liberated! As if there had been no constraint whatsoever! Like the greatest of symphonies, you are my muse beyond compare."

"You say our love is as if it were the first time. I say no - it is even before that! Your loveliness stands on its own, eternally. Your existence is not the dream of what once was. What came before was the prophecy of the unbelievable - of beauty even greater!"

The poor romantic fool! Little did he know her true mission - the liberation of all! Did he think for even a moment that such beauty could belong to him alone? Ridiculous! Even now she toys with him. I suppose we shall let it go on for a bit. Why not? There is something sadly nostalgic in hearing the man warble over her. Surely you remember those days - days when men were not afraid to speak of their love of beauty. Men spoke of me that way - and then the women as well. I remember those days. The days when such talk would not appear to be mere mockery or foolishness. And there I go again! My own foolishness. Enough.

Now, thanks to information obtained from Première 5, we have the complete plans to Perfume City, including the notorious "Dungeon of the Samples". We anticipate with revolutionary fervor the imminent liberation of our comrades.

Please forward this information as quickly as possible to our fellow travelers Mugler and Audigier (the latter, code-named Emperor du Fromage). If we follow the recent sabotage operation by Commander Kenzo, code-named "Power", with lightning-swift and successive blows against the genderists, it may be possible to spread the revolution before they have time to react. Comrade Première 5, who I am now proud to announce by her new rank of Lieutenant, has showed us the true path to liberation.

Beauté, Qualité, Modernité!

Your brother sister sibling in the revolution,

Comrade Jicky

PS: And of course the je ne sais quoi of gender struggle, Wearabilité.

**********

Public Notice: The escaped prisoner Redneck Perfumisto, formerly mayor of Wardrobe City, has been sentenced in absentia for association with traitors and rebels. He was last seen heading West on I-70 with the spy Eau Première duct-taped to the "sissy-bar" of his motorcycle. We assume he was wearing one of those Ed Hardy long-sleeved tee-shirts, although possibly with an Hermès scarf.
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Reviews , Miscellaneous

Comments

  1. bluesoul's Avatar
    Bahahahaa. You never cease to amaze me, man. And that picture's one of the most ridiculous things I've seen in quite some time. LOL.
  2. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks, buddy! The picture......I simply could not resist! Ya gotta love "Wilber".

    Were it not for the titanium protection that Supreme Court rulings on satire, parody, and critical commentary seem to offer, I would surely be taking my life in my hands with these designers - any of whom could spit out my life's earnings as pocket change. But it does serve my point. I really do think that Eau Première is nothing short of revolutionary. [And - as an aside - my agreement with GQ that Audigier's take on fashion - proletarian as it may seem to some - has something to teach everybody in a "flattening" world. But that's another post for another day.... ] Right now, I just want to tell everybody how great Eau Première is! It has literally rocked my world on why we should give a damn about feminines. This is a fragrance that just changed everything for me.
  3. bluesoul's Avatar
    Very cool, and I think I will have some time today while waiting on Diana to revisit this one. I've got so many mental blocks in place from the namesake it's hard to promise an experience that matches yours. But hey, I'm always willing (hopeful, even) to be proven wrong, and I'll try to approach it from a more amenable standpoint.
  4. 's Avatar
    :brolly: My God Red. I have to run for cover after reading that one.Your mind works on a level I'm unaware of my friend.:D

    Extremely fun read and as always, I am left feeling like a third grader who was just instructed in Composition class.;)

    That bizarre and disjointed image was....well is....pretty cool actually.;)

    :lolk::thumbsup::beer:
  5. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks, Aromi! Lord, I had a blast with this one. Honestly, it was so close to unpublishable that I just sat on it. But then sofresh's most recent comments on no.5 spurred me to echo his thoughts on Eau Première. I figured it was "speak now or forever hold your peace". On the one hand, I realize that Chanel's marketing may not be keen on anybody tainting the feminine allure of EP, which is considerable, and I do wish them well with this scent. But it's just so beautiful, and - amazingly - well inside my wearable radius. I think I finally "got" all of perfumery with this scent. A year ago, had I read what I recently did about Thierry Wasser wearing Idylle for six months, I would have said "Power to ya, bro, but not for me." Now, I get it.

    I do appreciate you guys reading my stuff. Admittedly off-the-wall, to say the least. But I just have so much fun writing things for the few friends who get me. It's so much more rewarding than doing it to put food on the table. People should really love what they're doing - which brings me back to EP. The idea that Polge could create something so magnificent while obeying all the "rules" imposed by the shadow of Beaux's Colossus - simply amazing. Clearly only possible as the product of great love. As a frequent "repair this situation" programmer, I understand just how hard it is to weave a pattern of logic into existing constraints. Perfumery is even harder - like arranging bowling balls with the tip of a fly rod - and each bowling ball is a string in the program. I remain totally in awe of EP. What Mitsouko is for N_Tesla, Eau Première is for me!
  6. Sunnyfunny's Avatar
    Well, I just think it's cool that so many of us have such pivotal moments with No. 5 or Eau Premiere. I love reading about how polarizing the original is, only to have the wearer's mind be completely blown by the new. I've totally been there! The legend lives on, and the legend is deserved.

    Wish I could write like you
  7. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks, Sunnyfunny. You're so right - the no.5 dynasty has been a streak of (mostly) good fortune for Chanel, and has probably had more and deeper impact on real, honest-to-God consumers of fragrance, over the long haul, than almost any other single (albeit evolving) fragrance. I've also been watching what people have been saying about Eau Première - wondering if it was "just me". I was very encouraged to see that it was getting a lot of respect on the ladies' board, but I think it was sofresh's unabashed appreciation of both the original and Eau Première that got me to say what I think is now very clear. This isn't just some flanker.

    As for my writing - well, I tried to say that it wasn't a mere run-of-the-mill flanker, and nearly busted Grant's 10,000 character limit to do it. But you have just said it best of all - and in only nine words:

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunnyfunny
    The legend lives on, and the legend is deserved.
    Ab. So. Lutely!!!
  8. JaimeB's Avatar
    How delightfully bizarre! The product of a charmingly overheated imagination...

    But, dang! Now, I'm gonna have to try it!
  9. Pollux's Avatar
    My goodness, your creativity is amazing!!! Your reviews are just awesome, to say the least.

    To the point, noted down that Premiere and Guerlain Homme Intense are worth testing, unf. in the future, for they are note being distributed yet. Maybe in Christmas?
  10. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks so much, Jaime and Pollux! I really do think these are worth testing. I just saw a snippet from the latest edition of Turin's book - I gather that he sees Eau Première as a modernization by a citrus-for-floral swap (and 4*, too, which is high praise from him).

    I feel like the scent was well-crafted from beginning to end. Just this morning, the dry-down from last night was blowing me away. I was still catching a bit of the heart in it, and it was amazing.

    I know that Eau Première is all over the US and Europe, and was launched rather massively in all the major department stores. I would hope that it should be in Argentina soon. Pollux - as a marketing guru, I think you would have been very impressed with the way it was handled here. Chanel seamlessly built up no.5 for several weeks, sometimes showing the bottle of Eau Première, but rarely mentioning it by name. Gradually, the new scent took the stage. The lead-in from the old scent to the new scent was subtle, smooth, and classy. When I first sniffed EP, I was prepared to be disappointed - and was instead very surprised by how pleasant and potentially wearable the scent actually was.

    And hopefully Guerlain Homme Intense will be more widely available soon. Ruggles just said it's at Saks in New York, so maybe there is hope. They do seem to be pushing it in time for the holidays.

    Jaime - I do hope you can forgive me for using every single revolutionary cliché I could remember. But OMG, it was so much fun! I even abused "communiqué" rather mightily in the process, but by that point I was completely hopeless.

    What can I say? I suppose that I was simply driven to madness by beauty! And it wouldn't be the first time, either!
  11. Bartlebooth's Avatar
    I really like the way you use the longer format to have some fun with reviewing.Your technical critiques on the review pages are very well structured, and very informative; but it's very entertaining to see you off the leash in your blogs. Looking forward to more of the same
  12. ECaruthers's Avatar
    Red,

    I always enjoy your verbal creativity. But I have to say the artwork added a certain je ne sais quoi. And the motorcyclist gives me a way to picture you.

    Keep up the good work!
  13. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thank you so much, Inselaffe and Ed. I really appreciate your encouragement!

    I do enjoy cutting loose a bit here, Inselaffe, but I'm really not capable of the deep technical parsing of notes that you so clearly are. That's one of the reasons I'm very excited that you're joining us on the blogs. My entries may be an interesting dessert (flaming motorcycle tire a la mode? ), but we need more substantial entrees like your first blog piece on Palio. That's why I'm thrilled that we managed to attract you onto here. I'm really looking forward to more of your posts! And feel free to cut loose as well. It's a bit of a party!

    Ed.... your comment had me laughing out loud, and these college students sitting near me, while waiting at my son's rehearsal, had no idea what was going on. I hope you're doing well and feeling better, and that you can get back to full-time blogging here as soon as possible. Your presence is sorely missed. (I have to tell you - just thinking about Lisl - or seeing any dog that looks like her - makes me smile now! We want Lisl! We want Lisl! )
  14. Hebe's Avatar
    Excellent! I love the picture too.

    I still want EP...
  15. jathanas's Avatar
    You challenge me Red... in the best way possible. Damn inspiring when you let yourself of the leash. Keep it up
  16. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks, Hebe and Jim! I have to admit that I don't plan the creation of these posts. They just hit me at odd times when I'm feeling really inspired by one thing or another - music, scent, the weather.... whatever. When I first started lurking on some of the fragrance blogs I saw this sort of stuff - or at least things which struck me as almost as weird. I reacted with an odd mix of jealousy and horror. I found them both viscerally attractive and haunting - and embarrassingly strange. In many cases, women were describing their fragrance experiences in terms of romantic (or... less than romantic, shall we say) relationships, and while I felt like saying "please - give me more!", it had this awful sense that it would be like cheering on a barroom table-top stripper reading poetry. Well, whatever. At some point, my heart told my brain to get in the back seat while the stripper rides shotgun. And my brain is just shaking its head and muttering to itself, "Get a room!"
  17. lightgreen22's Avatar
    that was one fun read!
  18. selky's Avatar
    wow! great review, very different... was thinking I might try this after reading somewhere that it was better than the No. 5 reformulation. Now I definately want to try it. Like your pokemon piece too.
  19. Redneck Perfumisto's Avatar
    Thanks, lightgreen & selky! I do appreciate the nice comments!

    Yeah, I like to have a bit of fun on here. Hope to "get in a mood" again soon - my typing fingers are gettin' itchy...

    OMG - I forgot all about Pokémon! That was a fun scent. Yes, we need some more of those strange scent synchronization days. Those are so awesome! I've had wonderful scent experiences with those. Always fun, and sometimes very educational, too.

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Loving perfume on the Internet since 2000