Red's Lumberyard
¡Revolución de las Fragancias! (¡NSFW!)
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on 7th November 2009 at 04:10 AM (2674 Views)
¡Revolución de las Fragancias!
Old revolutionaries never die. They are just reborn as new ones.
This communiqué was intercepted recently in wardrobe-space. Rest assured that it is being investigated as we speak, and that the subversive perpetrators shall be brought to justice!
**********
Comrade Mitsouko,
It is with great pleasure that I bring you this news. You have surely heard early reports of this victory, but I wish to present you now with all the details, and to place them fully in the context of our great struggle for fragrance liberation.
You will recall that Citizen no. 5 has steadfastly refused our entreaties to join the revolutionary forces. Even though her reputation and stature would bring great credibility to the anti-genderist movement, with which she sympathizes, she has refused to be generally wearable by men. Citizen no. 5 has, indeed, been known to associate with some of our French male operatives, and thus we believe that she is not truly an enemy of the fragrances. However, she has dangerous genderist leanings, and may require reformulation under the new order. We suggest that suspicions be raised with the reactionary secret police, IFRA, so that they might begin keeping a close watch on her movements, and compiling a dossier for our eventual information.
In pursuing the cooperation of Citizen no. 5, we made contact with her daughter, Eau Première. This was indeed most fortunate. Eau Première is well-positioned in society because of her family status. She is extremely intelligent and sophisticated, having studied under followers of the revolutionary Coco, and directly under the genius Polge. She was eager to join our struggle against the genderist swine. She has adopted the revolutionary code name Première 5, and will be referred to in all subsequent coded communications as EP, which - if intercepted - should readily be mistaken as an abbreviation for "eau de parfum" which, by delicious irony, she is in public life.
Première 5's first assignment was to seduce the mayor of Wardrobe City - a bourgeois buffoon named Redneck Perfumisto. This pompous oaf makes frequent appeasing statements against genderism and genderists, but he is firmly under their influence, as shown by his close relationship with the renowned enemies "2 Man" and "Homme". Worse still, he has happily assisted with the segregation and isolation of feminines in the Perfume City ghetto. Prisoners there include our ace fighter pilot, Vol de Nuit, as well as our sexual operatives, Dior Addict and Gucci by Gucci. Even the monarchist pig Fleurs de Bulgarie, a likely poseur who claims to have been intimate with Queen Victoria, is imprisoned there under appalling conditions. The prisoners are routinely subjected to maltreatment with bright lights, stifling heat, and water tortures of various kinds. They are only allowed out of their bottles in the presence of the mayor's lackey wife, who rules Perfume City with an iron fist.
But clearly this minor bureaucrat was no match for Première 5. She has all of her mother's legendary powers of seduction, as well as the benefits of being younger and fresher. EP made contact with the target "RP" in several shops, bumping into him as if by accident. Each time he fell further under her spell. He panted over her like the dog he was, commenting how much she smelled like her mother, but that she was "young and sexy". The fool tried desperately to make his wife take her in, but she would have none of it. With great cunning, EP conspired with one of our Russian operatives, Natasha, of the Saks brigade. With her help, EP snuck into the mayor's residence, pretending to be a "sample".
It was there that Première 5 sprang her trap on the unsuspecting genderist tool. One evening while he was studying samples, she kissed him on the back of his hand and whispered in his ear. She spotted his weakness and struck it as if with a knife blade. She told him "Imagine I am Tiffany For Men Sport Cologne. Do you feel the cool of my touch? Think of my aldehydes as nothing more than the sharpness of baies de genièvre. Are we not very much alike? Or Tiffany For Men. In some ways, very feminine, no? You can love them - why can you not love me?" Ha! She was even able to convince the aspirational stooge that she could be worn like the effete snob, Tabarôme, who calls himself "Vintage", and goes by the absurd title "Private Collection". Whereas the reactionary Tabarôme demands that puritanical formalities be observed in his presence, EP showed her love for even the most modernist sensibilities. Quickly, seeking her favor, the fool RP convinced himself that she could be trusted.
Within days, Première 5 had him eating out of her hand. He praised her to all his friends. He took her wherever he went. Finally, he begged and pleaded for her to move in with him, no matter the cost.
Here is a sample of his laughable "love poetry" to Première 5:
Rubicene is red,
Dicycloocta[1,2,3,4-def:1',2',3',4'-jkl]biphenylene is blue,
Eau Première,
Because of your perfect level of aldehydes I am utterly in love with you!
His other stupid praises are just as ridiculous, but - ironically - just as true. Some examples, recorded from his private moments with her in his quarters:
"Eau, Première! Your drydown is perfect! Yet it is delayed for such a seemingly long time. How can this be? How can you maintain such a perfect balance of jasmine and aldehydes? With perfect pitch, you hold the note until I think it can remain no more, and then you hold it still! Your mentor Polge must truly be a genius!"
"Eau, freshness! You are truly freshness itself! What sport cologne can compare, I ask? Your cool beauty is beyond gender - beyond even sex. It is love! Love, I say!"
"If only Coco had lived to see your glory! If only the great Beaux could have known you! He would have surely wept at your beauty. For a brief moment I sense Heaven itself, sharing but ephemerally the tiniest part of the joy they must feel now, looking down upon you from Eternity."
"If your mother was the abstraction of beauty, then you are the abstraction of even that, for you have been given eternal youth. To think that within all the constraints of time, history, and tradition - and even the sordidness of commerce - such beauty could be liberated! As if there had been no constraint whatsoever! Like the greatest of symphonies, you are my muse beyond compare."
"You say our love is as if it were the first time. I say no - it is even before that! Your loveliness stands on its own, eternally. Your existence is not the dream of what once was. What came before was the prophecy of the unbelievable - of beauty even greater!"
The poor romantic fool! Little did he know her true mission - the liberation of all! Did he think for even a moment that such beauty could belong to him alone? Ridiculous! Even now she toys with him. I suppose we shall let it go on for a bit. Why not? There is something sadly nostalgic in hearing the man warble over her. Surely you remember those days - days when men were not afraid to speak of their love of beauty. Men spoke of me that way - and then the women as well. I remember those days. The days when such talk would not appear to be mere mockery or foolishness. And there I go again! My own foolishness. Enough.
Now, thanks to information obtained from Première 5, we have the complete plans to Perfume City, including the notorious "Dungeon of the Samples". We anticipate with revolutionary fervor the imminent liberation of our comrades.
Please forward this information as quickly as possible to our fellow travelers Mugler and Audigier (the latter, code-named Emperor du Fromage). If we follow the recent sabotage operation by Commander Kenzo, code-named "Power", with lightning-swift and successive blows against the genderists, it may be possible to spread the revolution before they have time to react. Comrade Première 5, who I am now proud to announce by her new rank of Lieutenant, has showed us the true path to liberation.
Beauté, Qualité, Modernité!
Yourbrothersistersibling in the revolution,
Comrade Jicky
PS: And of course the je ne sais quoi of gender struggle, Wearabilité.
**********
Public Notice: The escaped prisoner Redneck Perfumisto, formerly mayor of Wardrobe City, has been sentenced in absentia for association with traitors and rebels. He was last seen heading West on I-70 with the spy Eau Première duct-taped to the "sissy-bar" of his motorcycle. We assume he was wearing one of those Ed Hardy long-sleeved tee-shirts, although possibly with an Hermès scarf.
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