Perfume Reviews

Reviews by Redneck Perfumisto

Total Reviews: 319

Epicéa by Creed

Spruce beer: 90 kegs
Added to the ship's wardrobe
As a nutrient

For perfumistae
Known to prevent the dreaded
Aesthetic scurvy

Sore affliction of
Fragbro and nichester alike
On long voyages

Of discovery.
Used somewhat judiciously
Thereby avoiding

The addiction called
"Conehead fever" by such types
We were able to

The greater olfactosphere
In less than a year.

Also known by the
More charming French monicker
Of "Épicéa"

This fine concoction
When dabbed or sprayed as a mist
Provided relief

From the absence of
Tropical and citrus notes
Normally found in

Tommy Bahama
Aqua Allegoria
Acqua di Parma

And other perfumes
Of hespiridic nature
Or standard colognes.

Sadly, it is known
That modern fragrance habits
Frequently omit

Proper hesperides
Resulting in dubious
And curious tastes

Leading, shall we say
To artifice and excess
Quite unnatural.

That the common spruce
Should ward off said scurvy was
Revealed to us by

Our Indian scout
Improbably named Sternberg
Through accident of

An apprenticeship.
Now, as to the nature of
This natural cure

Some have likened it
To gray-capped Creed toiletries
Of citric nature

Both Santal Impérial
And Bois de Cédrat

Although foresaid scout
Swears that Épicéa is
Kin to an essence

To be called "Pine-Sol"
In some distant future where
All shall be revealed.

While it is alleged
That our fine spruce beer contained
Clove and lavender

And some of the crew
Swore that they could detect these
I personally

Was not so impressed.
Rather, I was entertained
With being in some

Fragrant Valhalla
Surrounded by conifers
And alpine flowers.

Such was my pleasure
That without reservation
I can recommend

This healthy liquor
When used regularly and
07th November, 2018

Whitewater Rush by Bath and Body Works

Bath and Body Fierce
And Blue Yankee Cotton are
Their own cool shadows.
05th November, 2018

Traversée du Bosphore by L'Artisan Parfumeur

Tales of dusty roads
And odd sweets, we laundered with
Her Black Opium

And my cough syrup
Plus some vanilla extract
Possibly stolen

"Kinda perfumey"
But better than those bus smells
Just one sniff away

"See the world" they said
Smell the world is more like it
Then cover it up

Pretend it's not there
Then yearn for something still real
Ah, but there's the rub

That magic moment
Of information in the

Meant to hide all the
Bad information from the
Good information

And information
Just wants to be valu'ble
Or so they told us

Though I must admit
That perfume is all lies, too
Even our fake Tide

Hiding all of our
More interesting stories
In more charming ones

So now, where were we?
Ah, yes. Riding on that bus.
Climbing rope odors

I still remember
How they made Black Opium
More like Terre d'Hermès

So don't ask me what
Istanbul really smells like
I'd just have to lie.
03rd November, 2018
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David Yurman Limited Edition by David Yurman

Dark exotic rose
Making gravity sexy
In that Yurman way.
01st November, 2018

Rosarium by Shiseido

Clean skank power rose
Little girly girl bottle
Hides big rose drama

Some jasmine story
Told with tea rose kabuki
Where clean is dirty

And dirty is clean
Where simple is complex and
Complex is simple

"There's only one note!"
And so began my journey
To understanding

How little I knew
About the Rosarium
Floral nucleus

Unfolded by thought
Pondering reflections on
Its shiny surface

Not mere sensation
Of obvious departures
From the obvious

At the moment when
She made Chanel Gabrielle
Smell as complex as

Gabrielle Chanel
I knew that I could trust her
To tell me the truth.
27th October, 2018

Cruel Intentions by By Kilian


new dress new heels new
job new purse new lipstick new
roses new trouble


"Of course she smells great,
you moron. It's the smell of
your money burning."


Devoted father,
son, husband, brother, uncle,
and friend to many.
14th October, 2018

Speed Smelling 2017 Postmodern Collection : Nelly Hachem-Ruiz by IFF

Super 'Nilla Girl
Platinum blond of blond woods
And smilky ethers

Her powers include:
Sweeter than pure cane sugar
Coconuts thrown at

The lightness of light
White pepper sandalwood rays
O, Brother, Where Art

Them there muses of
White pepper sandalwood rays
With power mighty

To make all questions
Of creamy versus milky
Just kinda vanish

Down by the river
Of those Bath and Body Works
In Yupper Laccia?

Well I do reckon
I run into her kinfolk
Somewhere on the way

To frag house freedom
And I done had a good time
On my journey home.
13th October, 2018

Straight to Heaven by By Kilian

Straight is relative
Complication stands guard at
The patchouli gates

Where memories of
Fragrance dear and story past
Tempt us off-line, their

Its to bits and their
Curling wits so densely packed
As to make one sigh

Upon grateful breath
With a bit less oxygen
A bit more delight

And thus we see that
All is well on the not so
Straight and narrow path

Still appearing straight
On heavenly inspection
Though to localish

Eyes, ears, nose and throat
Those boozy geodesics
Take us on their ride

Through woody woodlands
And spicy heartlands, not all
Of our own making

Nor all of theirs but
Something greater where ev'ry
It is one with wit

As we point to bit
Making our vain pronouncements
That we understand

And where was I? Yes
On some randomly crooked
Stairway to Heaven

Don't mind that it takes
That there down escalator
Through the perfume shop

Fiat lux adored
Fiat odore left to
Its own devices

Of whirling its and
Churning bits of alleged

Where somebody said
Leave out the totality
But not for my sake

Yeah, that's the ticket
I think I'll listen to that
Little old lady

The one who sees the
Wrong magic in ev'rything
She gets patchouli.
11th October, 2018

Speed Smelling 2017 Postmodern Collection : Julien Rasquinet by IFF

Myrrhum myrrhvana.
Not myrrh rhum but myrrh than rhum.
Myrrhaculous myrrh.
10th October, 2018

Speed Smelling 2017 Postmodern Collection : Dominique Ropion by IFF

WARNING: This fragrance
May result in some kind of
Epiphanous state

If you fall asleep
While first experiencing
The utter weirdness

Of psychedelic
Barnyard Egypt alien
Future fruitiness.

It has pyramids
ETs, lightshow, universe
Turns into Vegas

And don't blame me for
Leaving out Moses, cat gods
Steve Jobs and the rest

All bordering on
Simulation awareness
Though to be honest

Mileage may vary
Near the speed of xxxxxxx light.
Thus, I refuse to

Recommend this here
Mind-blowing fragrance per se
Nor seeking it out

Since these results are
Unexpected, shall we say
And rather unique.

Instead, I merely
Leave one message of the dream
A point well taken:

That we should love truth
For its own sake, and not for
The power it grants.

(I know that's a "should", but substitute "can" if you want, since the original thought was without words, and is somewhat larger.)

It would be rude of me and violate the taught principle not to bring this back to perfumery and an actual review. This fragrance has a unique tension that shows not only stylistically, as a sort of old / new conflict, and as the usual good / bad thing, but there is even a really weird accord that feels solitary and unitary and whole like chypre - like a musical tone - yet it embodies the conflict. It was a "note" that felt both beautiful and unsettling at the same time - a slightly minor key. In many ways, this is the same beauty as certain real ouds, but by a different route, or changed in some ways, which may be extending the same oud facet to create a focal point with a different feeling.

I expect we will see some great fragrance derived from this on shelves - possibly in the luxe niche category, if it's not already out there. IFF never lets a great idea like this go to waste.

Not kidding about the dream. I love this hobby! I think being in a dreamy state can really open us up to the emotional and symbolic messages in fragrance, particularly with some starter cues from the perfumer (like poem titles, etc.) Brian C.'s review of the new Slumberhouse scent (6s&7s) was a great example.

Ok. Maybe time to go back to sleep. LOL.

Good night.
08th October, 2018

Infusion d'Amande by Prada

The addition of
Almond elastomers to
Linen of iris

Gave a blue tint to
Sexy saintly macaroons
Without damaging

Their sterility
Or their soft, crunchy sweetness
Or so it sure smelled.

Fresh from no oven
Lunarossyl alcohol
Filled the air of some

Medically fresh
Patisserie of iris
Delivering their

Floral marzipan
In oblate hemispheroids
To smiling smelling.

I wasn't quite sure
I was actually there
I guess that's the point.
05th October, 2018

Speed Smelling 2017 Postmodern Collection : Domitille Michalon Bertier by IFF

So I tickles Baby Skank
Gives him a noogie

And then Mama says
He looks like Uncle Kouros
He looks just like him

Cep for she don't know
Baby Skank was adopted
And then I sees that

Li'l boy ain't got no
Li'l boy parts in his li'l pants
Oh we gone raise her

Without none of them
Gender pref'rence says Nilla
And then I'm thinkin'

She looks like Nilla
Alway tryin' some kinda
New-fangled thingy

Cep then I recall
We's all just characters in
Some Redneck's noggin

In some dang program
In some other program in
Some simulation

So I says out loud
Well she sure is a cute one
And that kid's got me

Thinkin' that maybe
I'll give old Kouros a call
Reckon he'd like one

So then Mama says
I never believed that boy's
Big gold tooth was real

So then I says yeah
Maybe it was just fool's gold
But it sure fooled me

I kinda like our
Neighborhood with all them kids
Just like the old times

Always some new name
I cain't pronounce quite right next
Door to one I cain

So I up and says
Thank God for Amber Woods and
Mama just laughs cuz

Amber babysits
The entire neighborhood's kids
Includin' Nilla's.
03rd October, 2018

Palo Santo by Carner Barcelona

Guaiac maple malt
With burnt tonka syrup and
Vanilla ice cream.

Palo Santo thus
Remaining a mystery
The wood and this scent.

In the same way that
Answering the great questions
Leaves a greater mess.
28th September, 2018
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Feuilles de Tabac by Miller Harris

Not much tobacco
Dissolved in perfect mixture
With not much amber.
26th September, 2018

ManRose by Etro

Earthy [Black (Tea] Rose)
Patchouli girls may steal your
Vintage Étroïste.
24th September, 2018

Déclaration by Cartier

L'Air de Cartier
That gentle woodwind song
Where less is more.
23rd September, 2018

Must de Cartier by Cartier

If I found jasmine
And tangerine Shalimar
Would you believe me?
22nd September, 2018

A Collection by Zara

Not sure that I like
Versachanel Pour Homme Sport
Édition Blanche.

Dry marine citrus
Just a litta bitta FUNK
Powdery off-white.

The whole and the parts
Alternative Zaraverse
Glad that it exists

But I'm still kinda
"WHOA MAN. That's some funky stuff!"
I think I like it.

Kinda like some dang
Junkyard Himalaya, some
"What da [a-z]{4} is that?"

Stainless steel monsta
'Luminum knotty pine-sol
"What the [a-z]{4}'s that - ART?"

And then you reckon
It made you wake the [A-Z]{4} up
So maybe it is.

But did it smell good?
You want to smell it again?
Then maybe it's good.

Mmmmm. Kinda funky.
You know this stuff ain't half bad
This (Zara|Polo) Red('s)? Sport.
22nd September, 2018

Y Collection by Zara

Through Flanker Darkly
Love Notes Lost of Fragrance So
Recalled (un)?Sweetly

Chasing extinctest
Vintagest formulations
Of La Nuit de L'Homme

And YSL L'Homme
Both I cornered by cashier
On twain discount racks

Camouflaged as such
The "DAY Collection", three cheap
Knock-off Zara frags.

"BWA-HA-HA" I cried
Seeing through such bad disguise.
At pennies a pop

No escape could be.
One perp, Versace Pour Homme
Also known as "A"

Purchased, you must see
For the sake of completeness.
Another one, "D"

Quickly joined the queue
YSL L'Homme, more or less.
But this one - this "Y"

Triple enigma
As soon enough before me
Truth most amazing

Not La Nuit de L'Homme
From this universe and its

But from another
Where dark accords were spared and
Clear fougère was not

Through coldest logic
Of Reformulationists
Looking for profffits

Or perhaps under
The excited edicts of
SNIFRA radicals.

Beloved beloved
Of vintage L'Homme fanbois here
Yet Bane of those there.

The other side of
Leafy Page in Book of Thyme
Writ wrongly yet Wright.

Knowing now this truth
This butterfly evasion
A toast is offered:

To Universe ours
With softest sweetest echos
Of those that are not:

Your truest beauty
That no beauty pleaseth all
But all pleaseth true

Whether true or not
And that in this strange beauty
We might see your own

That all may partake
Of otherworldly beauty
Clothed in that of ours

Spread out before us
In most unlikely places
Reserved for many

That greatest beauty
Lies not in beauty itself
Nor in beauty's lies

But in humble truth
That beauty greatest is found
Spread before the Least.
18th September, 2018

D Collection by Zara

YSL L'Hommme-ish
VCR boxes theme-ish
DAY logo code-ish

Nuit joke I get-ish
Collection thing I see-ish
Whole thing Zara-ish

Dry-down is dry-ish
That too-sweet thing is gone-ish
Still nicely sweet-ish

Not sure it's worth-ish
Your mileage not compute-ish
Call's W-ish.
16th September, 2018

Agua de Colonia Concentrada by Alvarez Gomez

Do not miss out on
This exuberant citrus
At drugstore prices.
16th September, 2018

Cordovan by Banana Republic

Richest of the Mall Leathers
Spanish Black Walnut

Prince of the Mall Frags
With shades of Dirty English
Hints of the Complex

Clever Concoction
At some optimal Blend of
Sheer Ecomomics

Red-colored Glass Cues
Standing out in Collection
Signaling Fragrance

Smooth barely Leather
Drying down to Clean Clothing
Via not quite Booze

Subtle and pleasant
Just a tad ordinary
Screams "You're in BR!"

Thus recommended
If you find it in Marshall's
Or in some Fine Mall.
15th September, 2018

Ryder by Abercrombie & Fitch

Clear skies, chill air, DUNES
Of warm laundry musks, cedars
15th September, 2018

Curve Crush for Men by Liz Claiborne

Cool shiny mossy
Curve with killer top notes that
Plot for your chump change.
13th September, 2018

Soul by Curve for Men by Liz Claiborne

Amber curved Curve's Soul
T'ward The Equator's long Arc
In Componentsphere.
12th September, 2018

Fancy Nights by Jessica Simpson


Faulkner story with
A women's prison train wreck.
Read it with some risk.


This is what happened
That day when Art found Science
In bed with Indoles.


Dear, I told Myrna
Perfume and pornography's
A bad idea.
11th September, 2018

Hempstead by Abercrombie & Fitch

Woods, earth, tangerine,
Theorema, Aventus,
Mall of the above.
11th September, 2018

Ellwood by Abercrombie & Fitch

Unitype citrus
Laundry musks and fashion malls
Conspired to smell niche.

Mannequins proclaimed
With bipedal charm

While stacks of blue jeans
Sang subtle songs of hipness
To our fresh-faced youth.

Yes, I was right there
When another fine mall frag
Smelled good but not great.
10th September, 2018

Carat by Cartier

Through carbon's prism
The rainbow of sensation
Don't stop the movie.

All hues together
Blinding coherence of life
Facets joined as one.

Say it in new words
Until the words lose their sound
And words are new things.

Did she throw white paint?
Is that cedar on your dress?
Crumbly number pie!

Savor those moments
When you taste Seven as One
Smell One as Seven.

When you see the truth
Value, valued, valuer
Are all the same gift.

Music of the spheres
Remembered and forgotten
Through carbon's prism.


Carat is another beautiful, artistic, and somewhat subtle work by Mathilde Laurent. It is a bright, pleasant, ethereal floral, simultaneously transparent, translucent and gently refractive and diffractive.

And yes, it's incredibly commercial, and screams "this is a really good normal fragrance - buy our diamonds". Still, there's no law that says good perfumery can't be wasted on the normal and the commercial.

Carat clearly and very successfully (though subtly) addresses the themes of its brief and marketing - jewels, white light, and the composite nature of the latter (see below).

And my wife likes this fragrance, too, so there is that.

The joys of finding quiet, higher beauty in fragrance (see above) are small and far apart, unless one looks for them. Look for them here.


Dr. Roy G. Biv

From Press Release and NST

Introducing the new Cartier Carat Eau de Parfum. An invisible jewel that radiates in a myriad of facets just like the diamond.

Perfumer Mathilde Laurent aimed for a perfume that would transmit light with the brightness of a diamond. Seven colors (violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red) are represented by seven floral notes (violet, lily, hyacinth, ylang ylang, narcissus, honeysuckle and tulip).
09th September, 2018

Speed Smelling 2017 Postmodern Collection : Sophie Labbé by IFF

Fake cologne, thank God
Will prove to be a very
Long-lasting problem.
08th September, 2018