2 M∀NLY! (Part 2)

    2 M∀NLY! (Part 2)

    post #1 of 6
    Thread Starter 
    2 M∀NLY!



    (Continued from Part 1)


    "Come in! Please - have a seat. Here - take a lab stool!"

    Seeing only a tacky, vinyl-backed bar stool, we sat our butt in it.

    "And what can I do for you? You look like you could use some Comme des Garçons 2 Man!"

    Taking up his kind offer, I decided that I would emulate the fashion sensibilities of a man I had recently watched in Macy's. I thus applied CdG 2 Man as follows:

    • Neck - 4 sprays
    • Elbows - 2 sprays
    • Wrists - 2 sprays
    • Back of hair - 1 spray
    • Down the shirt - 1 spray
    • Up the shirt - 1 spray
    • Down the pants - 1 spray
    • Mist and walk through quickly - 10 sprays
    It was, indeed, quite voluptuous, as the young lumberperson had assured us.

    "Comme des Garçons 2 Man is truly a scientific breakthrough of the greatest magnitude!"

    Yawning, I bid the good doctor tell me more.

    "Note the minor but non-negligible second-order similarities between Comme des Garçons 2 Man and Kenneth Cole RSVP. This is not a coincidence. We believe that this constitutes definitive proof of the transactional interpretation of quantum mechanics. Specifically, Rei Kawakubo's wavefunction, going fashion-forward in time, interacted with all Kenneth Cole scents. But due to the symmetry-forbidden nature of Kawakubo's fashion sense, she chose the one scent most atypical of Kenneth Cole - namely RSVP."

    At this point, I advanced the theory that Kenneth Cole's brother's mother's sister's son's cousin might have smelled 2 Man, or that said person might have used a perfumer working on the same planet as Marc Buxton, the nose behind 2 Man, thereby causing the two scents to share one or more aromachemicals. The good doctor, noting that the boundary of a boundary is zero, concurred that these were indeed valid possibilities.

    "Let me introduce you to our focus group, which has determined that Comme des Garçons 2 Man is the most manly fragrance, bar none!"

    The good doctor then introduced us to what was, without a doubt, the most motley crew of slackers and layabouts I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Had I not taken basic biology, I would have surely believed these fellows had stolen even their Y chromosomes.

    "This is our water cooler focus group. Each member has demonstrated verbal masculinity at least 50% greater than humanly possible. As far as these boys are concerned, almost everything is."

    And with that, the entire group of beer-swilling no-goodniks belched in unison:

    "FOR PUSSIES!"

    "You see, real men were simply not enough. We have gained an order of magnitude in manliness by employing men whose exploits exceed the limits of the species, if not the universe itself!"

    He then introduced me to a rather tall man in a jean vest, leather pants, and a cowboy hat. Apparently, this young man went by the name of "Deuce", because he was "2 much". Suppressing the immediate need to barf, I listened to his testimony.

    "2 Man is just enough for this hombre. It's like a manly song by a campfire all night long!"

    I suggested that women went very nicely with campfires, but this suggestion was met with some degree of scorn. Seeking to relieve my predicament, the good doctor introduced the next panel member, a short man in a tee-shirt, smoking a cigar.

    "Yeah. Ya know what, buddy? It ain't Kouros, but wifey still gets that funny look when she smells it. You know what that look is? It's PENIS ENVY."

    Not paying much attention to the man, my ears perked up at the possible mention of a new Gucci flanker. I asked him if he had a sample, and if he was excited by the possibility of a dill d'eau bottle concept. He seemed to react to my query with some degree of animation, and required a bit of restraint by the doctor and Mr. Rojas. The good doctor attempted to move things along.

    "Arnold 2? Why don't you tell us what you think about 2 Man?"

    I was then introduced to an extremely muscular man - who had clearly obtained his physique through some form of unnatural process. The man regaled me with the qualities of Comme des Garçons 2 Man - using a rather laughable, and clearly fake, Germanic accent.

    "Tuuu Maaan ees zo vunderbaaaahr. No guuuuurly notes. No vimpy drrrrydohwnzh. No sveetnezz. No.. No..."

    "Steroids?"

    My attempt to help him out was not kindly received, to say the least. I am forced to admit, as I did to the policemen later, that something of a melee ensued. However, I am pleased to report that I got out of jail before the members of the focus group, if only because the police were less than keen on the idea of us having another highly productive session.

    So there you have it, folks. It's like a manly song by the campfire, with or without girls. Unisex in a lumberjack sort of way. No girly notes. No wimpy drydowns. And NO STEROIDS.

    If you can believe that.
    post #2 of 6
    I have only one word for you: Brilliant.
    Thanks for the laughs, Red
    post #3 of 6
    Red,

    I perceive that your interests have expanded beyond chemistry and literature to engulf sociology. I hope this experiment is successful in proving Basenotes the most tolerant community in the universe. Otherwise you'll be signing future posts, Flamingneck perfumisto.

    Manly hugs,
    Ed
    post #4 of 6
    Thread Starter 
    Thanks, guys! Honestly, once I figured out that my own character flaws made great characters, it was an endless fountain of material. But you're right, Ed - I'm pretty much counting on folks to have read enough of my posts to realize that I'm making a bit of fun of my various would-be, wannabe, and otherwise splintered selves, and nobody else.

    Well - maybe a couple of my favorite actors, too! Jaaaaaah!
    post #5 of 6
    WOW!!!! Hilarious...
    I showed this to my buddies at the business check company i work at. We spent the whole day laughing... LOL!!!
    post #6 of 6
    Thread Starter 
    Quote:
    WOW!!!! Hilarious...
    I showed this to my buddies at the business check company i work at. We spent the whole day laughing... LOL!!!

    In our never-ending quest for readership of any kind, I approve this message! Prejudice against spam, blog-bots, corporate links, and disadvantaged information forms of all kinds will not be tolerated here.

    PS - Welcome to Basenotes! And in particular, if you're not a bot, my sincere apologies!
    class="

    6/23/09 at 1:08am

    Redneck Perfumisto said:



    2 M∀NLY!



    (Continued from Part 1)


    "Come in! Please - have a seat. Here - take a lab stool!"

    Seeing only a tacky, vinyl-backed bar stool, we sat our butt in it.

    "And what can I do for you? You look like you could use some Comme des Garçons 2 Man!"

    Taking up his kind offer, I decided that I would emulate the fashion sensibilities of a man I had recently watched in Macy's. I thus applied CdG 2 Man as follows:

    • Neck - 4 sprays
    • Elbows - 2 sprays
    • Wrists - 2 sprays
    • Back of hair - 1 spray
    • Down the shirt - 1 spray
    • Up the shirt - 1 spray
    • Down the pants - 1 spray
    • Mist and walk through quickly - 10 sprays
    It was, indeed, quite voluptuous, as the young lumberperson had assured us.

    "Comme des Garçons 2 Man is truly a scientific breakthrough of the greatest magnitude!"

    Yawning, I bid the good doctor tell me more.

    "Note the minor but non-negligible second-order similarities between Comme des Garçons 2 Man and Kenneth Cole RSVP. This is not a coincidence. We believe that this constitutes definitive proof of the transactional interpretation of quantum mechanics. Specifically, Rei Kawakubo's wavefunction, going fashion-forward in time, interacted with all Kenneth Cole scents. But due to the symmetry-forbidden nature of Kawakubo's fashion sense, she chose the one scent most atypical of Kenneth Cole - namely RSVP."

    At this point, I advanced the theory that Kenneth Cole's brother's mother's sister's son's cousin might have smelled 2 Man, or that said person might have used a perfumer working on the same planet as Marc Buxton, the nose behind 2 Man, thereby causing the two scents to share one or more aromachemicals. The good doctor, noting that the boundary of a boundary is zero, concurred that these were indeed valid possibilities.

    "Let me introduce you to our focus group, which has determined that Comme des Garçons 2 Man is the most manly fragrance, bar none!"

    The good doctor then introduced us to what was, without a doubt, the most motley crew of slackers and layabouts I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Had I not taken basic biology, I would have surely believed these fellows had stolen even their Y chromosomes.

    "This is our water cooler focus group. Each member has demonstrated verbal masculinity at least 50% greater than humanly possible. As far as these boys are concerned, almost everything is."

    And with that, the entire group of beer-swilling no-goodniks belched in unison:

    "FOR PUSSIES!"

    "You see, real men were simply not enough. We have gained an order of magnitude in manliness by employing men whose exploits exceed the limits of the species, if not the universe itself!"

    He then introduced me to a rather tall man in a jean vest, leather pants, and a cowboy hat. Apparently, this young man went by the name of "Deuce", because he was "2 much". Suppressing the immediate need to barf, I listened to his testimony.

    "2 Man is just enough for this hombre. It's like a manly song by a campfire all night long!"

    I suggested that women went very nicely with campfires, but this suggestion was met with some degree of scorn. Seeking to relieve my predicament, the good doctor introduced the next panel member, a short man in a tee-shirt, smoking a cigar.

    "Yeah. Ya know what, buddy? It ain't Kouros, but wifey still gets that funny look when she smells it. You know what that look is? It's PENIS ENVY."

    Not paying much attention to the man, my ears perked up at the possible mention of a new Gucci flanker. I asked him if he had a sample, and if he was excited by the possibility of a dill d'eau bottle concept. He seemed to react to my query with some degree of animation, and required a bit of restraint by the doctor and Mr. Rojas. The good doctor attempted to move things along.

    "Arnold 2? Why don't you tell us what you think about 2 Man?"

    I was then introduced to an extremely muscular man - who had clearly obtained his physique through some form of unnatural process. The man regaled me with the qualities of Comme des Garçons 2 Man - using a rather laughable, and clearly fake, Germanic accent.

    "Tuuu Maaan ees zo vunderbaaaahr. No guuuuurly notes. No vimpy drrrrydohwnzh. No sveetnezz. No.. No..."

    "Steroids?"

    My attempt to help him out was not kindly received, to say the least. I am forced to admit, as I did to the policemen later, that something of a melee ensued. However, I am pleased to report that I got out of jail before the members of the focus group, if only because the police were less than keen on the idea of us having another highly productive session.

    So there you have it, folks. It's like a manly song by the campfire, with or without girls. Unisex in a lumberjack sort of way. No girly notes. No wimpy drydowns. And NO STEROIDS.

    If you can believe that.

    6/23/09 at 4:43am

    Gblue said:



    I have only one word for you: Brilliant.
    Thanks for the laughs, Red

    6/23/09 at 6:42am

    ECaruthers said:



    Red,

    I perceive that your interests have expanded beyond chemistry and literature to engulf sociology. I hope this experiment is successful in proving Basenotes the most tolerant community in the universe. Otherwise you'll be signing future posts, Flamingneck perfumisto.

    Manly hugs,
    Ed

    6/24/09 at 11:49pm

    Redneck Perfumisto said:



    Thanks, guys! Honestly, once I figured out that my own character flaws made great characters, it was an endless fountain of material. But you're right, Ed - I'm pretty much counting on folks to have read enough of my posts to realize that I'm making a bit of fun of my various would-be, wannabe, and otherwise splintered selves, and nobody else.

    Well - maybe a couple of my favorite actors, too! Jaaaaaah!

    7/13/09 at 3:06am

    oapx said:



    WOW!!!! Hilarious...
    I showed this to my buddies at the business check company i work at. We spent the whole day laughing... LOL!!!

    7/15/09 at 10:40pm

    Redneck Perfumisto said:



    Quote:
    WOW!!!! Hilarious...
    I showed this to my buddies at the business check company i work at. We spent the whole day laughing... LOL!!!

    In our never-ending quest for readership of any kind, I approve this message! Prejudice against spam, blog-bots, corporate links, and disadvantaged information forms of all kinds will not be tolerated here.

    PS - Welcome to Basenotes! And in particular, if you're not a bot, my sincere apologies!





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