Snappy Answers to Stupid SA Questions

Typical SA: Have you tried Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: No, I heard he was armless and wrote with his feet. I also heard that's sort of what his Signature smelled like, too, and quite frankly, I don't think he was gellin'.

Mugler SA: Do you believe in the extraordinary?
Me: If it improves my chances of getting laid by a hot SA, I'd believe in the Easter Bunny. Speaking of bunnies, didn't I see you in Playboy?

Macy's SA: Do you want to apply for a Macy's card?
Me: Can you still apply if you don't have a green card? Can I use food stamps toward my monthly payments?

Ulta SA: Why do you want to buy that nasty Kouros?
Me: It brings back fond memories of the time I rode the short bus to band camp, and sally, she got sick. Real sick. All over my flute!

Typical SA: Have you tried Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: Unfortunately.

Mugler SA: Do you believe in the extraordinary?
Me: If you're about to show me a Mugler product, then no.

Macy's SA: Do you want to apply for a Macy's card?
Me: Will you pay for it?

Ulta SA: Why do you want to buy that nasty Kouros?
Me: I'm not buying it, I'm stealing it.

Aramis SA: If you buy (insert Aramis Distributed product here) you'll get a free box!
Me: What's in the box?
Aramis SA: Nothing!
Me: Um...how is that a good deal?
Aramis SA: If you don't like that we have another great free gift: an umbrella with a handle shaped like monkey wrench!
Me: You hate your life, don't you?
Aramis SA: I just want someone to love me...

Calvin Klein SA: BUY OUR STUFF WE HAVE LOTS OF FREE THINGS, BAGS, BAGS, FREE BOTTLES, PLEASE SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!
Me: It doesn't change that your fragrances suck.
CK: BUT THEY EACH COME WITH 1390984356 FREE BAGS!!!

Hello, sir. Would you like to try...

Thanks madame, but I'm a member of Basenotes (whips out membership card). I already know what I wish to sample.

(She gasps with surprise and takes two steps back. She then runs to the back to get more tester strips)

SA: Have you tried the new Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: Lady....what the hell did I EVER DO TO YOU???????

Or......

SA: Have you tried the new Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: Why yes, I have. And frankly, he makes such nice watches, whatever made him decide to market such a gutless, me-too, cookie-cutter scent?
[*crickets chirping*]


SA: This is the new True Star by Tommy Hilfiger. It's wonderful.
Me: Did you know that "star" spelled backwards is "rats?"

SA: Oh, sir! Acqua di Gio is such a unique, distinctive scent.
Me: It certainly is....if you LIVE IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE!!!!!!!!!

SA as I spritz on the new Euphoria by Calvin Klein: Were you looking for something for your wife or girlfriend?
Me: Madam! I plan to use this on my right AND left hands, thank you!!

SA handing me a card with a flourish: The new Curious by Britney Spears for that special lady in your life?
Me: For my Mom, eh? I may as well hand her a loaded .44 Magnum and and say AW GO AHEAD AN' SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER MOM. IT'S OK!!!!!

SA at Perfumania: So, what are you looking for today?
Me: Oh, same things I'm always looking for......Hefty bag full of hundred dollar bills, Bottomless mug of beer, and a soft place to lay my head. Seen any 'o them around?

That last one I'll occasionally use in jest if the situation is right.

I just had to add this...

Perfumania SA: You do know these scents are for men?

Me: I'm a dyke, close enough.

This actually happened, too.

I'd *love* to see the SA's expression!

My favorite stupid lines from SAs:

"This is limited edition. They destroy all of the bottles that aren't purchased."

Yes....this really happened. So stupid it boggles the mind, no?

My reply: "That's funny..I see it on discount online sites and Ebay ALL the time."

Her reply back: "They could get in big trouble for that!"

Uh huh...the Escaded Limited Edition Police will beat down some major ass when they catch wind of it, I'm sure....haha

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SA: "You don't really LIKE that scent, do you?" As I am asking to purchase it.

Me: "You don't really like to make a sale.....do you? Nevermind, I'll buy it elsewhere." Yes, I really did this. It was just too rude and stupid to go unrewarded. The glare I got as I turned to walk off was top notch..haha

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The most overused phrase from SAs: "This one really smells fresh." I think I even heard that used for some heavy orientals. Too funny. Fresh sells, I guess.

SA: Do you need zum help veet zee Narzeesco Rotreekiss?
Me: Yes, what's the difference between the three versions?
SA: You ZONT VANT zay HODEETOILETTE dahlink! YOU VANT ZEE Eau de Parvuuuum!
Me: What I WANT to know is the difference in the bottles- which one is what? Pink or black or clear?
SA: You ZONT neet to know zat! You only VANT TO BUY zee Eau de Parfuuuuuuum!
Me: Okay, what about the lotion? What sizes does it come in?
SA: You ZONT VANT zee LOSHUN! You VANT zee BOTTyCREAM!
Me: What I really VANT, baby, is to get the hell OUTAHERE!

SA: We only have the After Shave in the Caron Pour Homme.
Me: But I need the Eau de Toilette.
SA: But this two-for-one package contains a 1.7 oz bottle of the EDT.
Me: But I don't NEED the After Shave.
SA: But you get TWO FOR ONE PRICE. How can you beat that?
Me: I can. I'll go to Saks & buy what I want.

SA: Isn't this LOVELY?
Me: No.
SA: Well, OBVIOUSLY it's NOT for EVERYBODY.
Me: ANYBODY with taste, that is...

SA/Vendor: But I can't sell any Carons or Guerlains to you tonight. We're having our Customer Appreciation Night and that area is closed off to those customers with invitations to the champagne reception.
Me: Yes, but I'm a customer and I traveled 10 miles to spend $210 on a bottle of perfume.
SA/Vendor: Well, maybe you could come back tomorrow....? When we're not soooo busy?
Me: Maybe tomorrow when you're not so busy, you can explain to the dept manager why you let a $210 sale slip out of your hands and permanently turned off a customer from ever shopping here again.

SA: YES! Can I help you?
Me: Do you know what the difference is between the two versions of Caron's Fleur/Fleurs De Rocaille?
SA: I'm sorry. GIGI? Do we even carry that? No. Sorry, we don't.
[And the tray filled with Caron bottles is sitting right below her elbow. Go figure.]

SA: I have some lovely fragrances for you to try.
Me: I'm not trying, I'm buying.
SA: But these are our newest arrivals. Here, try some spray card samples.
Me: If you can't help me, can you direct me to the SA that can?
SA: Well, I can help you! Waht is it you want?
Me: I'm trying to tell you, but you keep trying to spray 10 different bottles of crap on me!
SA: JOLIE! Can you THIS WOMAN PULEEEEZ?
Me: Don't bother. I'll help myself when I get to Neiman Marcus.

And just one more, for the road: [smiley=grin.gif]

SA: OHMYGAWWWWWD! (Looks at me disparagingly, shaking her head like a disapproving school-marm) NEVER rub your wrist or fan the fragrance after spraying! You simply spray, like this, WHALAH! And then you just simply walk into the fragrance!
Me: Know what you do next after the SA has insulted you?
SA: Pardon me?
Me: You put down the fragrance, and you simply walk out the door and POOF! End of sale!

(I actually did this last holiday season. The worthless #$%!! was gone the next day. As well she should have been...)

Bad SA stories, I have a million of them. Enough to write a book....

Bloomingdale's SA: (after I bought a bottle of HMori EDP) You know we carry some products to take care of the bags under your eyes.
Me: Â*Oh, really (monotone with a stare)
BSA: Â*Why yes...we also have some lotions for your skin as it seems you have some irritable skin when you shave around your neck area.
Me: Oh, really (same monotone with same stare)
BSA: Â*You will be much more attractive, I guarantee it!
Me: Â*Do you have lotions for stuck up rude bitches?
BSA: fake laughs...why of course not.
Me: Â*Too bad...then I walked off

i dont have an recent SA stories. my last purchases in the last 3 years have been off internet sites you guys and ladies have directed me too, or in the last year, only through purchases here.

one time i was in college and a guy sprayed my hair and sweater with some cologne as i was walking by and asked me "how do you like that?" i wish i had hit him in the nose and responded, "probably as much as you liked that."

i feel sorry for some of you people. but ritamae, noseorgy, feel free to go on. i wanna be prepared in case i break down and go into a dept. store. we dont have anything good in memphis, but i do get to NYC once a year or thereabouts.

sam

Screw the department stores!
Internet only now, especially since most of my favs can't be found in department stores and they can all be found online. Shipping can sometimes make yur butt pucker a bit even if you live close by but I would rather give my money to those guys than those uneducated (I'll stop there) SA's. ;D

I'll only endure the rude likes of the dept store SAs when I have a fragrance jones & I GOTTAHAVEIT that night. To be fair, I'd say maybe 5 out 10 SAs in Chicago are credible and knowlegeable with regard to the fragrance line they are selling, but the other half are just there to b.s. the day away behind the counter, kiss celebrity ass, and earn their measley percentage-based commissions. I often revisit Saks again and again because the same SAs that have been there for over 10-20 years are still there. You know they are still there because they are not only knowledgeable, but they are courteous & never too busy to offer personal assistance, whether it be in the store or on the phone. They treat a customer the way they would expect to be treated themselves. Which says a lot about their SA Training Program. Nordstrom, for the most part, is snob-city, sorry to say. If you're not on their freaking "A" list, they treat you like shit, not like a customer or a human being. Ditto Neiman Marcus, unless the dept manager waits on your personally. But then again, you "know' "why" he was promoted to manager - he's the only behind the counter with brains.
There are many times where I have been treated so rudely for no reason at all, that, had I not needed the item for a gift or because I wanted to wear it out that night, I wouldn't have bothered to buy the fragrance in that store.
These days, I purchase my fragrances mostly on-line. At least I get honest reviews here on Basenotes. I personally feel that many of the reviewers & members on this site should be working behind the counters of major dept stores.
In the 80's in Chicago, there were two shops that sold scents exclusively. The shop owners were like life long friends. They taught you about fragrance, cared what you thought, and would often spend more than an hour searching their stock for just the right "signature" fragrance for you, without any pressure to buy. "Wear it home and come back tomorrow & we'll see if it's the one for you." Man, you don't get that kind of treatment at any of the major dept stores anymore.

The only time I'm treated with respect at Nieman Marcus is when I'm dressed up. If I walk in there with a pair of jeans and t-shirt, the SA's turn their noses up at me. They don't even bother greeting me.

The one time that I was helped at NM went something like this...

SA: You do know that Creed cologne is rather expensive, don't you?
Me: You do know that your breath stinks, don't you?

Neimen Marcus especially...I went in there looking for a shirt and some Creed EDP samples one day and I first went into the shirt department. It was Saturday so I was dressed in my usual sweats and comfy frayed t-shirts. I have to wear suit and tie all the time so I refuse to wear it on my days off. I was actually going to get a Zegna shirt when I asked to see one of the purple colored ones the "stuck up snob brown noser fake rat turd" said "I don't think you want one of those." I said "Why?"
He said "That shirt is over $150." I almost wanted to take a dump on his counter right there and then buy the shirt...that would have been awkward to say the least ;D
So I said F-off and proceeded to the fragrance section and was greeted by a very feminine man behind the counter who was very busy talking with another very feminine man...He ket ramblin on about how he combines three to four frags to get his unique scent and only wanted to let me smell those in particular. Later girls!
Never went back there again either. Where do these people live and how do I accidentally bump into them on the street and push them down a subway stair...ok not really but maybe push them into a garbage can ;D

Typical SA: Have you tried Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: no but there is no need, I dont like wearing "fresh" or "new" plastic.

Mugler SA: Do you believe in the extraordinary?
Me: Ermmm, excuse me, are you hitting on me?

L.S. Ayres SA: Hello, our top selling young mens fragrance, Gio, is over there but I have some Curve right over here which also sells well to men your age.
Me: Do I really look that boring? What makes you think that I would want to smell like sweetened plastic or just like everyone else?
LSA SA: (blink followed by blank stare at which point I told her I would like to try John Varvatos and she then tried to make up by saying you have good taste)

Me: Hi, can I try Gucci Rush?
Perfumania SA: Do we sell that?
Me: Umm yeah it is directly behind you.
PSA: Oh, wow!

I physically laughed out loud at this....well done.

The Neiman Marcus in Oakbrook actually treats me very well, though I routinely drop the Gross Domestic Product of Sub-Saharan Africa on Kiehl's stuff so a few of them know me. Nordstrom's is full of liars and idiots. I had almost had to beg someone to help me with some MPG stuff downtown and when I told them I was ready to buy Eau de George Sand, they told me to wait while they went over to say hi to one of their other customers. Shockingly enough I walked out.

I walk into the Dior boutique and I ask the SA: "Hi, I'm looking for the new Dior Homme scent"...he replies, "Is there a new one?...There's MISS Dior Cherie...."

*sigh* That's sad, REALLY sad. I ask for Dior Homme and he pushes Miss Dior at me.

I haven't got too many of these, and not as outrageous as the ones posted. But one of the worst was when I was on the look-out for a sample of Gaultier². At one store they immediately replied they didn't carry it, but they had these other new scents I could try if I wanted (something sporty like Puma or Lacoste) on which I replied that I'm not inteersted in that, or anything else sporty. I knew they carried Bvlgari from before so I asked about Bvlgari Black since I really want to purchase a bottle. And the response to that was "Well you seeee, all brands have a lot of different products (holding the hands far apart like measuring a big fish) and we can't carry them all y' know". I just sigh and shake my head and walk out, never to return again.

That's interesting... Maybe you should've asked whether they had Miss Dior Cherie. Then the SA will say, 'that's a lady's scent...you can try Dior Homme.' [smiley=grin.gif]

Typical SA: Have you tried Kenneth Cole Signature?
Me: Yes I did but he threatened to bring charges if I forged anymore more of his checks.

Mugler SA: Do you believe in the extraordinary?
Me: I did.

Macy's SA: Do you want to apply for a Macy's card?
Me: I would love to but I'm in a hurry to have small slivers of bamboo inserted under my fingernails and they charge me if I mss my appointment.

Ulta SA: Why do you want to buy that nasty Kouros?
ME: So I can breathe easier when standing next to sales assistants.

Griff

We were launching Black Code by Armani.....Passing out samples.....Would you like a sample of the new scent by....? No....I'm not a fragrance kind of guy.....I wanted to reply badly....I know...I can tell.....Of course we have to put on our phony smile and say...."Thank you and have a great day".
SA...have you tried? Yes....I have 15000 other fragrances at home that smell just like it....
Mugler rep.....Do you believe in the extraordinary? Me......Can you spell extraordinary?
Customer.....What do I get if I buy this bottle of fragrance?
Me.......The bottle of fragrance......
Gary

This happened to me at Macy's today.

SA: Would you like to try Armani's Black Code?
Me: No thanks. I already have enough Oriental scents.
SA: Actually, it's made in Paris. You're probably thinking of Issey Miyake. That one is Japanese.
Me: Yeah...uh, sure.

I was about to explain to her the true meaning of Oriental scents, but I thought why bother.

SA: Have you tried the new Kenneth Cole Black (that's the one they're pushing right now in Germany)?
Me: Yeah, and today I wanted to celebrate that I can smell again. Where are the Guerlains?

Real story:
SA (looking puzzled because a guy is trying Flowerbomb, ON HIS ARM!!): Err...Hi! Are you looking for a fragrance for your girlfriend?
Me: No, I just wanted to smell it on my skin.
SA: But you do know that it's for women?
Me: Yeah, sure, thanks.
SA: But it's really very feminine.
Me: And so am I! (making very "gay" movement with arms)
It took the SA about thirty seconds to close her mouth, then she left without saying a word.


Usually, I'm the one asking the "stupid questions", because that's my job. I should add that most of the customers questions are a lot more stupid. Here are my favourites. All of them are 100% real and were asked in the last three months:

This is the best one ever:

Customer: I'm looking for Exorcist.
Me (SA): Excuse me, you're looking for what?
C: Well, Exorcist. That one by Chanel.
Me: Or are you looking for Egoiste?
C: Yeah, whatever...

Customer: I want Armani by Givenchy!
Me: Well, there's Armani and there's Givenchy...
C: No, it's "Armani" by Givenchy. I got a sample in my pocket.
Me: May I see it?
C: Sure
(Of course, it's Amarige...)
Me: Oh, you're looking for Amarige!
C: That's what I just said!

To understand the following, I should mention that we have bright orange "NEW!" signs on our shelves, you know, for new fragrances.
Me: Can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I kinda like this "New!" by Givenchy (pronouncing "New" in an awful german/french/rubbish way)
Me: O.k., which one, Blue Label or Very Irresistible?
C: No, the one that's called "New!"(omg, she said it again)!
Well, she liked the new Duty-Free only fragrance by Givenchy "Only Givenchy". But I'm quite sure she still thinks it's called "NEW!"

Customer: I'm looking for Background by Jil Sander
Me: I'm sorry, it's discontinued.
C: O.k., I'll fly again next week. Do you think it will be in until then?
Me: It's not sold out, it's discontinued. That means you can't get it anywhere.
C: I understand... ... ... Are there any other perfume shops here in this terminal?

LOL! I bit my tongue laughing at that one!

Exorcist......I busted out here in the Library....that's too much!!!!!
Gary

ME: I'm looking for Serge Lutens fragrances
SA: I do not know this brand. You know, we only sell top brands. I'm sorry.

I was sorry fer her...

I never worked in retail, but I've been on the front lines in hotels and restaurants and you guys are cracking me up! I think, though that some of you are too hard on the SAs who are under informed. I can't imagine they are paid enough to take the job so seriously that they would go out of their way to educate themselves. It is the merchant that bears the responsibility of assuring that they have a knowledgable staff that is reasonably compesated for their interest and understanding of the product they sell. Uneducated SAs are the result of shortsighted management. The kids are just trying to make a living. That said, once they get rude or snoby they're dead meat in my book. I'd rather have a clueless SA doing his or her best than a well informed bitch acting like I am distracting her from her duties.

call me a sadist, or a bully for picking on those trapped in shitty retail jobs, but it has gotten to the point where I get off on walking out. Thre are enough frag stores around, not to mention internet and sell/swaps, that if an SA makes me put up with ANYTHING, I get rude as hell. Her job is t make me want to spend money, period. Turning to chat with a friend, ignoring my VERY informed opinion and directing me toward the new crap for 20-somethings, etc., these are all grounds for me to pick up my bag and walk out, mid-sentence. I love it. Im a tough customer, I know it, but places with good employees get many hundreds of dollars of return business from me, so if your "customer service" makes me roll my eyes, I'm happy to be "that asshole hotshot who thought he was too cool"

SA: Hi, can i help you there?
Me: I'm looking for M7
SA: Cool, my husband drives a M5, it's really nice
Me: oookk, where's your Rive Gauche?
SA: Who? Never heard of him
Me: Reeeeve Gaaauuuche, yah know?
SA: Is that French?
Me: No, it's Chinese!!!
SA: Sorry I dont know any Chinese
Me: Nevermind *grins*
SA: what type of scents do you usually like to wear
Me: mostly orientals
SA: sorry, this is North America
Me: Really?.....I thought i was in China

haha, was that a hypothetical convo or did that actually happen HackerX?

LOL!!! I'm glad this thread has been brought back. Just yesterday I was in Halls and for giggles I was sniffing some of the deoderant sticks in some of the frags I was already familiar w/. A SA ran up to me and said "Oh honey! Are you looking for something for your boyfriend (shudder)? Here, what you do is you take one of these cards, spray a little on the card and then smell it. Be sure to keep the card separated though or the scents will mingle." Ugh. I was so taken aback I just stared at him for a couple seconds and said "Oh my God! Thank you! I can't believe I've been doing it wrong all this time!" in an overly sarcastic voice. I then put down the deo stick I had been sniffing and walked out of the store.

Haha. I wonder who got the better laugh: the SA and his buddies, or Bnoters on this board.

[QUOTE=Joel_Cairo]call me a sadist, or a bully for picking on those trapped in shitty retail jobs...


Ok, J.C. you're a sadist AND a bully. If you want to get off on belittling someone because of lousey and/or incompetent service, head straight for the department manager and tell them everything they are doing wrong and how much of your money they are losing ( that is, if you really intended to spend your money there in the first place, vs. just had some free time to be a big asshole in a small pond.) If you have any guts at all, you'll step up to a person with real power when you have something to say. I think it's pathetic that a person would actually make a sport of throwing his weight around in a department store, regardless of the quality of service.

Not every SA is as enlightened as the basenoters here!

I used to be, as many of you know, a vendor for Aramis, and right after the launch of Sean John's Unforgiveable I went over to another store in the mall to see if they had anything new or different. There was another Aramis vendor there who tried to push the Unforgiveable on me, but she said, "Would you like to try Unforgiven?" I couldn't help but think to myself, "you might sell more if you knew the bloody name."

I understand it can be pretty frustrating from the customer's stand point, but it's just as bad if not worse if you're in the business and see/hear this crap going on.