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Break-up fragrance

post #1 of 31
12/21/06 at 8:32am
Thread Starter 
Last night my boyfriend of a year+ and I broke up. It's mutual, and it's the best thing for both of us, and we'll probably stay good friends... but I'm mourning the loss of 'us'...

Lest I burst into virtual tears, I'll get on to my fragrance-related dillema: I want to wear perfume to help bolster my strength, sense of peace and well-being, etc... but I don't want to 'ruin' a fragrance with associations to this difficult, emotional time! The only solution I can see is to go buy a fragrance specifically for this 'occasion' so to speak. Something I like, but that I won't miss if I can't ever wear it after this.

Any other ideas, or suggestions for a good 'break-up frag?'

Thank you.
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post #2 of 31
12/21/06 at 8:57am
Is it in the air? Me and my BF of 3 years are either broken up or on a "break." Hard to say which but perfume has been helping me through it!

I haven't been looking for a particular scent per se, but have certainly been experimenting. Right now, I'm interested in things that cloak me and are VERY distinctive. I want/need cloaking because this will protect my emotions and create a distraction. I liken this to "refracting mirrors": you can see me, but you're not really sure which one is the real image. So far Jicky and Passage D'Enfer will probably be some "cloaking" frags for me.

I am also going for frags that are a bit strange, and slightly unapproachable: L'Anarchiste, Black Orchid fall into this category so far.

Sending best wishes and lots of support to you Silvergirl.

the beneficient perfume spirit that looks over us and bestows grace and strength -->
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post #3 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:11am
Sheesh! Any rationalization for a new purchase, eh?

(Just kidding!)

Seriously, I think mad sampling is the way to go right now, and going with whatever fragrance makes you feel good.

And get out and about, see friends and family, give yourself no time to brood. It will take time, but you will feel better.

(((Hugs))) and best wishes to you both.
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post #4 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:19am
It just so happens that I have just broke up with my best friend, this morning even. Not my husband, but someone who was very dear to me. Sometimes, only time helps, but I'm going out this evening and splurge myself to death. Look out, if someone wants a fragrance in Southern California, you better rush out there and get it because I'm going to wipe out!!!
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post #5 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:19am
L'heure Bleu and other sweet fragrances have helped me at such times, without any bad associations later on. But that may be because such are my favorites, anyway...
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post #6 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:21am
I agree with the sampling route. There is nothing like having a scent ruined with a bad memory

I wish you well.
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post #7 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:23am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochi227

I haven't been looking for a particular scent per se, but have certainly been experimenting. Right now, I'm interested in things that cloak me and are VERY distinctive. I want/need cloaking because this will protect my emotions and create a distraction. I liken this to "refracting mirrors": you can see me, but you're not really sure which one is the real image. So far Jicky and Passage D'Enfer will probably be some "cloaking" frags for me.

That sounds so... right. I want to be "cloaked". Conveniently, a Jicky decant and Passage D'Enfer sample are both already en route to me! There are so many I've been meaning to try... I'm about to take the last of my finals... on this amount of sleep (2 hrs maybe), I'll probably just deliriously laugh and scribble through them... but afterward, Nordie's here I come. The SA's had better look out though, because I'm in no mood to have 'Juicy Couture' shoved under my nose...

Anyway, thank you for the support ladies, and lots of sympathy and 'good vibes' to Mochi and TDDanae:-)
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post #8 of 31
12/21/06 at 9:53am
mad sampling of frags (and lovers?) is definitely the way to go. your sampling frenzy will at least get your mind off the sad things, and help you think about the positive new directions your life will take now! anyway, retail therapy always helps, right? or is that just enabling.

best wishes to you; it's always hard to do, even if it's necessary and right.
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post #9 of 31
12/21/06 at 10:15am
Mad sampling sounds like a great idea; as does something quirky. Maybe some Demeter scents, just to distract and entertain. Little danger of finding a holy grail fragrance from this house.

Anybody who's in need of QSB (quirky scent bombardment), send me a PM with your address and I'll dump, er, I mean, gift you with a sample of Dinner by Bobo.
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post #10 of 31
12/21/06 at 11:06am
Don't wear one....

I would always suggest a non-scented breakup. It just seems easier.
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post #11 of 31
12/21/06 at 11:15am
I LOVE "cloaking" myself in Bvlgari Black. Takes a few sprays, but the result is great!
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post #12 of 31
12/21/06 at 2:33pm
So sorry for you... :-( :-(
I hesitate to tell you the one that comes to mind lest this trying time colors your impression of the fragrance forever, but I know I would grab Apres L'Ondee. It's so sweet, innocent, and feminine in a kind way. It's gentle qualities are always nurturing to me, and helps me be kind to myself.

- Kathy -
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post #13 of 31
12/21/06 at 3:44pm
Don't worry. I wore some of my best perfumes at sad moments. Then I kept wearing them and had good moments in them again. That is how life is: bittersweet.
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post #14 of 31
12/21/06 at 3:48pm
I like the idea of the sample frenzy as well; everything new and bright and fleeting. However... I kind of feel that finding a new scent that will always reflect this period can be very therapeutic. Having gone through one major breakup in my life (my boyfriend of seven years and I broke up about four years ago) I can say that it isn't really something you get over, particularly if it isn't an angry, never-want-to-see-your-face-again good-bye. You carry this around forever, and it becomes part of you. This person is very important to you and so is this pain of parting. To have a scent that you can revisit when the memories announce themselves in the future can be a somehow soothing ache, like rubbing a bruise. My advice is to sample sample sample, find something that feels right, get to know it, wear it 'til it feels time to move on, then keep the rest in the back of the drawer. I think you'll pull it out from time to time down the road and be glad you've got it. Mourning is a very long process, but it's beautiful and very human.
My heart is with you (and all you ladies going through the same thing). Good luck and know that the big pain always passes when it's ready to.
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post #15 of 31
12/21/06 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
Purplebird and Pellen . . . reading your posts, I started to cry, in a good way. Thank you for the compassionate words of wisdom.
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post #16 of 31
12/21/06 at 5:02pm
Silvergirl, you've got lots of support here -- which you deserve! I echo the sample-fest mentality posted before, and wish you comfort in the various fragrances and delight moving forward. May you find a new "must have" frag and a new love interest in eerily close proximity, but enjoy the process of looking for (or simply being open to finding) both in the meantime.
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post #17 of 31
12/21/06 at 5:10pm
I am so sorry to hear about your breakup! :~(

I might be a little too indulgent in my suffering, but I've suffered a lot for love (ask me how I ended up in rural Alaska sometime). I would probably do something ridiculous like wear Songes if I was suffering another terrible breakup. It's a gorgeous scent that I would otherwise wear on my wedding day.

Alternatively, I would wear the cologne that I could imagine my future partner to wear, like Bulgari Black.
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post #18 of 31
12/21/06 at 7:31pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by linnea

I would probably do something ridiculous like wear Songes if I was suffering another terrible breakup. It's a gorgeous scent that I would otherwise wear on my wedding day.

Alternatively, I would wear the cologne that I could imagine my future partner to wear, like Bulgari Black.

That's quite ironic, because Songes was the first frag that jumped out at me when I rifled through my little drawer of samples. I adore this, it puts me in the sun, laying on the shore of a mountain lake slathered with Bain De Soleil tanning gel (I covered this association in another post:-). It's doing me lots of good.

Unfortunately, my ex (it feels WEIRD writing that, haven't been here in so long...) had rather fantastic taste in fragrances, so Bulgari Black, Acqua di Parma, and Fou d' Absinthe, which are my top masculine frags, are all pretty much out for a while. But he loves them, so he can have them. Hm, that makes me wonder whether there's couples who have to settle who keeps which frags after a separation, sort of like who gets what furntiture, etc. Ok, maybe not :-)

My sampling trip to Nordstrom has been postponed 'til tomorrow, but just the thought is keeping me nice and distracted... I plan to flirt with dozens of gorgeous...perfumes! And then I'll probably have to take the best ones home with me and get intimately acquainted ;-)

Thanks again to everyone for the support. I feel lucky to have found a community of such caring people.

Anyway... what rambling? Whose rambling? I'm not rambling...
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post #19 of 31
12/21/06 at 8:19pm
Silvergirl,

My sympathies and heartfelt condolences to you...

I'll second (third, fourth, whatever) the sampling frenzy route.
The best way to rid yourself of something old is to reach for something new and exciting - even if that new happens to be the, "Great Unknown".

So my advice is to embrace your newfound liberation, experiment furiously, and soon, this too, shall pass...

I'm certain that you will find a hidden gem or two, and possibly even a life-changing scent that you will wear boldly and proudly - a triumph of the spirit, as it were.

Your post makes me think of the small plants and vines that grow in the rocky, inhospitable soil where I live. If you have ever seen a green shrub peeking out from the face of a dry red sandstone cliff, you know what I mean. The shrub doesn't worry about whether there will be water tomorrow, and requires nothing to validate its' existence. It simply thrives in the here and now. It reminds me that we are all clinging to a precarious life and that life does, in fact, go on...

Paul
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post #20 of 31
12/22/06 at 1:06am
Break-ups are such bummers, so disappointing in all respects. You have my sympathies. I vote for comfort fragrances, and mine is Matin Calin by CSP. I also recommend chocolate ice cream, and a professional massage. Remember, the softest hearts are also the most resilient.

I hear Art Garfunkel singing,

"Sail on, Silvergirl
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine,
All your dreams are on their way."
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post #21 of 31
12/22/06 at 2:59am
Thread Starter 
Oh, Shycat! I can't tell you the wonderful things you've just done for me. "The softest hearts are also the most resilient"...how simply romantic and true. And a massage...of course! Brilliant idea. ...AND, after reading your post, I put on that beautiful, beautiful song and am swaying in its arms. You're the first to notice (or at least the first one to point out) the S&G reference. Incidentally, I originally thought to use it because it's the pseudonym my ex used to thank me in the credits of his most recent album...rather ironic, but hey, I can appreciate irony.

I'm happy to report that I've had some good sleep, and am feeling so much better. I'm trying my sample of Voleur de Roses again, and I didn't really 'get it' until now, but now it's so perfect. It's fallen petals breaking back down into soil, but it's also the living, growing rose... Couldn't be more fitting or comforting, as it parallels our relationship: though it's over as we've known it, now that we've both had a bit of time to absorb the new reality we've chosen, we've been in touch, and I think with a bit more time we'll able to help each other through it, as friends, and I believe our friendship will deepen and grow as a result. I know it sounds strange. It IS strange, but it's also beautiful... kind of like VdR!
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post #22 of 31
12/22/06 at 3:12am
I always think a positive route is best. I think some fine Eau de Cologne with lots of uplifting neroli and citrus can give a glimpse of sunshine on the darkest day. .
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post #23 of 31
12/22/06 at 10:21am
:hugs: silvergirl, such a rotten time of year to split up too. Look after yourself.

I posted on here when I lost my Grandma a couple of years back, also seeking something just for how I felt at the time. I ended up with Hermes Eau des Merveilles, and McQueen Kingdom, the EdM I found comforting during the day, Kingdom at night. Once I'd worn EdM to the funeral I found it difficult to wear it again, and gave it away. Although I'm thinking about trying the Elixir version to honour her memory, and I still wear the Kingdom now.

edited for typos.
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post #24 of 31
12/22/06 at 12:28pm
I chose to wear Geir in a similar situation. It was a talisman scent, a scapegoat (in the old, old sense of the word), maybe something of a totem. It bore the brunt of the hard times, and I poured into it the feelings that I was tired of having. Consider it a sort of emotional dialysis. And now, Geir sits at the back of my collection (even behind Happy and Odeur 53). I will never wear it again until I have to.


If you smell me wearing Geir, watch out.


-ben
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post #25 of 31
12/22/06 at 12:53pm
I would definitely not wear anything that person has given you...and on a lighter note I would wear something that makes you feel good, in your power, on top of the world type of scent. If that is Joy perfume, or some light, happy edt...go for it!

Most of all get grounded and be present...present moments. Sometimes we go through these phases in a rush just to end it....things left unsaid. If you can remain friends than that is a blessing.

Look at this event as one door closes and another one opens.

Great timing...new moon, winter solstice, and new years. These are all times of new beginnings...

Find the joy in it.

JoAnne
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post #26 of 31
12/22/06 at 1:37pm
My heart goes out to you, and all I can say is that if you let it, time will make it stop hurting.

I can understand your wanting to find a fragrance that you might be willing to part with after you recover from this, but it's tricky to be certain that you'll find something that you want to wear often while your in pain, yet are indifferent enough over to put it aside, later.

Sampling is brilliant, but if it starts feeling to hectic, maybe this is a good time to find a new, very personal fragrance you only wear for yourself; when you feel bad and need comfort, AND when you feel wonderful and want to celebrate. Any major event throws your individuality into sharp relief, so this is probably a great time to find a "just me" fragrance whose selection is completely distinct from what someone else might like or dislike.

Really hope (and believe) you'll have better new year...

take care,
m.
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post #27 of 31
12/24/06 at 10:40am
Silvergirl, I hope you are feeling better, I read this thread rather late, better late than never.
Having gone through a divorce after 17 years and 3 children, I have become rather philosophical about relationships ending and new ones beginning...
I wish you lots of love on your journey.

Here are fragrances that come to mind when I think of comfort...

Aimez Moi
Lolita Lempicka
Hanae Mori Butterfly edp
Feminite du Bois

Hugs to you.
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post #28 of 31
12/24/06 at 10:02pm
Dear Silvergirl, some very wonderful people have given their heartfelt advice and shared their own experiences when it comes to loss and parting. We've all gone through it, and yet no matter how many times something like this happens, each experience is different yet hurts just as much. I wish you only the best in your jouney through this time...

As for a specific scent you'd might want to consider for a time like this? Well, and this of course is only just my opinion, I would avoid wanting to comemorate any negative feelings by making them memorable and stand out in your heart and mind by relating them to a particular fragrance that you might like. In fact, even testing new scents could somehow triger that sort of connection so that in the future when you have fully recovered from this experience just smelling them again - anywhere - might bring back all those feelings and memories again. At least for me scent-memory works that way.

Once again, I wish you all the best
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post #29 of 31
12/25/06 at 6:21am
From the book The Fragrant Mind by Valerie Wormwood

Essential oils or fragrance notes to express grief:

Rose Otto
Melissa
Benzoin
Vetiver
Rose Maroc
Neroli
Mimosa

To help dissipate grief:

Cypress
Rose Otto
Frankincense
Bergamot
Vanilla
Rose Maroc
Narcissus
Roman Chamomile
Carnation
Nutmeg


Blends to be diluted with 1 oz (30 ml) jojoba, almond oil etc. Can be used for massage, whatever.

Grief induced numbness, shock and disbelief:

Cypress 5 drops
Helichrysum 5 drops
Frankincense 10 drops
Bergamot 5 drops

Grief induced distress:

Carnation 7 drops
Rose Maroc 4 drops
Roman Chamomile 1 drop

Grief induced depression:

Ormenis Flower 10 drops
Benzoin 10 drops
Nutmeg 10 drops

Continued deep sadness:

Cypress 5 drops
Rose Maroc 15 drops
Hyacinth 10 drops
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post #30 of 31
12/25/06 at 11:07am
Wow! That is really amazing. Flower Essence Remedies have helped me a lot. They don't smell like anything, they're homeopathic tinctures that you add to a glass of water and drink. They also make some creams (Bach's Rescue Remedy and FES Flowers' 5-Flower Formula) that you can apply topically. I've used blends like Rescue Remedy in my drinking water and in my kitties' drinking water, too.
http://www.bachflower.com/
http://www.fesflowers.com/





Quote:
Originally Posted by pluran

From the book The Fragrant Mind by Valerie Wormwood

Essential oils or fragrance notes to express grief:

Rose Otto
Melissa
Benzoin
Vetiver
Rose Maroc
Neroli
Mimosa

To help dissipate grief:

Cypress
Rose Otto
Frankincense
Bergamot
Vanilla
Rose Maroc
Narcissus
Roman Chamomile
Carnation
Nutmeg


Blends to be diluted with 1 oz (30 ml) jojoba, almond oil etc. Can be used for massage, whatever.

Grief induced numbness, shock and disbelief:

Cypress 5 drops
Helichrysum 5 drops
Frankincense 10 drops
Bergamot 5 drops

Grief induced distress:

Carnation 7 drops
Rose Maroc 4 drops
Roman Chamomile 1 drop

Grief induced depression:

Ormenis Flower 10 drops
Benzoin 10 drops
Nutmeg 10 drops

Continued deep sadness:

Cypress 5 drops
Rose Maroc 15 drops
Hyacinth 10 drops
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post #31 of 31
12/26/06 at 3:34pm
Thread Starter 
Wow, that's interesting pluran, thank you... I cut'n'pasted into a Word doc. so I could save it.

I'm feeling better, especially today... I spent the previous two days with my family, which was good. It never hurts to be reminded how much you're loved. I think initially I was just panicked: it felt like I had lost a vital organ or something, and had no idea how I would even function. Now I'm realizing he wasn't vital... just like an appendix or something:-), and as the days go by I'm realizing over and over that I'm still living, breathing, and sometimes smiling, and I'm going to be just fine.
Fragrance-wise, I've been all over the map: applying small amounts of different things several times a day, according to my mood at the given moment:-). If I have a tough moment, I forgo fragrance until I'm feeling better. This way I'm pretty sure I won't have any associations that will be so powerful that I can't wear the scent again.

Right now I'm wearing Chergui over Parfum Sacre and it's quite fantastic!
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