Jokes that don't stink - Page 2

Guy walks into an upscale bar requiring coat and tie wearing a blazer and a set of Automotive jumper cables loosely tied around his neck in place of a necktie.

The bartender, drying glasses glances up and says:


OK. You can stay, but don't start anything.."

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
- Rich

Why Men Shouldn't Take Phone Messages:

"The Caron En Avion?"

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

A: Make me one with everything!

(Taolady's moniker made me think of this one )

So the Vendor promptly does...the Buddhist offers a $20 bill in payment and the Vendor quietly goes about his business. After a while the Buddhist politely asks, "What about my change?" The Vendor replies:

True change can only come from within...

Have a great weekend all!!

Not really a joke, but funny none the less....





Take THAT, you clown!!

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", the teacher says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck" the rottweiler ate him!"

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. "The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

So a teacher says to her class, "Please put your books away. I have a few questions to ask about the chapter you should have read last night. Okay, first question. Suzy - what part of the human anatomy sometimes expands to over tens times its normal size?"

Suzy starts to answer, then turns beet red, hunkers down in her desks and quietly says, "I don't know."

The teacher shakes her head, then calls on Billy, who answers, "The pupil, ma'am."

The teacher responds, "Very good, Billy. Now Suzy, I three things to say to you. First, you didn't read the chapter. Second, you have a very dirty mind. Lastly, you're going to be very disappointed."

and the guy who never learned to spell spent his night in a warehouse...

and for our friend who had the husband store, it's only fair to present the other half...

A man was downtown to buy an alternator when he noticed a store called the wife store. He figured since he was single, that this might take some of the annoyance out of dating if he could just go in and pick one. As he made his way to the elevator and notices there are 6 floors to choose from, he asks to go up. The elevator operator announced the first floor...

"These are the women who have jobs and want to be wives!"

the guy thinks ok, I can do a bit better than that, he proceeds to the second floor...

"These are the women who have jobs, want to be wives and love sex!"

hey sweet! but you know I can do better than this, third floor please...

"These are the women who have jobs, want to be wives, love sex and are very sexy to boot!"

dude! this ROCKS! but you know, I can do a bit better than that, fourth floor...

"These are the women who have jobs, want to be wives, love sex, are very sexy and love beer and sports!"

The guy is just floored and says to himself, this is just heaven! He proceeds to step off the elevator and choose a sweet brunette and pledge his love and devotion to her.

as they are leaving the building to go get hitched, on the ride down, they just had to ask the elevevator operator what's on the fifth and sixth floors...

to which he deftly replied "Couldn't tell ya, noone has ever cared to go up there!"

and finally:

for the women who think we are insensitive clods and don't remember important dates in our relationships...



A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room,

"Why are you down here at this
time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks
solemnly.

The wife is a lmost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and
sensitive her husband is.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your dad
caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun
in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send
you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...."I would have
gotten out today."

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago..."

This has got to be the geekiest joke i've ever laughed at, but I love it. You have to read it out loud for it to make sense!

There are a thousand mathematicians at a conference, and only one toilet.
Therefore P=Q.


Now for some, that I find funny, but most people are unlikely to! (If you get offended, get over it, you can change :P)

What do you call a Chav with two brain cells?

Pregnant.


What do you say to a Chav with a job?

Big Mac please.

Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

A: Cliff.

...

--------------------------------------
Two Octogenarian friends, Elrod and Phinneas were talking:

"You know, Elrod, for weeks I have been a new man with the ladies!"

"What do you mean, a new man"?

"I mean my erections are like they were when I was 16!"

"What? I don't believe it... what are you doing differently that makes it so?"

"Well, I ate 10 slices of deli rye bread every day for week and it works! I'm telling you, it works!"


Later, when walking home, Elrod passed a bakery and decided to stop in. What the heck..


Inside the bakery and behind the counter was a bent-over older woman nearly his age.

"Listen, have you any rye bread?", Elrod asked.

"Yes I do. 5 loaves left today."

"OK, let's see..I need 10 slices a day..for one week.. I will take all 5 loaves."

"5 loaves? Are you sure? You know, by the time you get to the 4th loaf it will be hard."

"Damn", Elrod muttered, "does everyone but ME know about this?"

************************************************** ************************************************** **************************************

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were veryfaithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that hisnormally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her abutt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Ferrari F40 out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the
pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 130 mph...then 150... then 170. Suddenly
he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the F40
, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were
bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

----------------------------------------



In the bank robbery, the gunman decides to let some of the hostages go, he goes up to hostage #1 and asks if he saw him rob the bank, hostage says “Well, Yes”
The gunman shoots him in the head. Hostage #2, “did you see me rob this bank?”

#2 – “No I did not, but my wife did”

Octagenerian Alfred's wife called him on his cell phone after he had been driving on I-95 for 25 minutes:

"Hello? Alfred..?

"Yes dear..."

"Listen, be careful! I just heard on the news that someone is driving the wrong way on I-95 somewhere between here and Miami!"

Alfred leans forward, squints through the windshield, surveys the road ahead and says:

"Someone? Hell, they are ALL driving the wrong way!"

as seen on Graham Norton:

Q: Why is it impossible for a man to satisfy a woman?

A: Because his dick's not made of chocolate and it doesn't ejaculate money.

(I'm not that money hungry, but I do love chocolate! thought this one was funny and in good taste...pun intended)

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
"What a clever dog!"
But the man protests:
"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

(Sorry... I couldn't help myself! )

I hope you don't mind one more chessic Joke!

A husband and wife were sitting across the board when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?"

The husband replies "Of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?"

The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my House of Staunton Imperial Ebony Chess Set in the Mahogany box that you bought for me last week?"

"Of course not," the husband says, "she plays bridge!!!"

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None -- I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me.