Basenotes › Basenotes Forums › General Discussion › Off topic › Tricky dilemma: received a gift...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Tricky dilemma: received a gift...

post #1 of 18
10/25/07 at 3:09pm
Thread Starter 
My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years bought me a wrist watch yesterday. I think it's fantastic she put time and effort into finding something I would like and truly did pick out a nice one. That alone is a tremendous gift.

However, there are two problems.
1. I don't like it. It's a rose-tone gold skeleton watch with a black crocodile strap. The perfect example of the last thing I would have picked for myself.
2. We're in a bit of a financial crunch at the moment. I paid all the rent last month and am planning on doing so again this month. She took off one price tag but missed another so I know she let go of quite a bit of cash for it. Being the prudent person I am, i'm a bit disturbed that the money wasn't put toward bills or perhaps raising our quality of life above ramen noodles 5 days a week.

I don't know what to do! She didn't give me a gift receipt so I can't really exchange or return it. On the other hand, i've got this nagging thought that I really should be truthful about how I feel but i'm not sure there's a good way to tell her without hurting her feelings. I'm not one to don a mask to hide behind, so to speak; it's just not me. And then there's the financial factor.

Oy vey, am I in a bind or what? Any advice?
Reply
Reply

Features on Basenotes

Basenotes Reader Awards 2013 - Finalists Announced.
Petals Falling From The Sky - A Report From The Cote d'Azur's Bataille De Fleurs
Greatest Hits: Annick Menardo
post #2 of 18
10/25/07 at 3:12pm
Be honest.
- Rich
Reply
Reply
post #3 of 18
10/25/07 at 3:21pm
You've been in a relationship with her for two years and you can't openly talk to her about these things?.......if you don't like something or something is on your mind...talk to her about it.
Reply
Reply
post #4 of 18
10/26/07 at 6:57am
Tell her you'd prefer a different watch and ask her if she can get that one for you. And you should be happy she'd rather eat noodles and buy you a watch than be pissed at her. lol
Reply
Reply
post #5 of 18
10/26/07 at 7:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by nsamadi View Post

You've been in a relationship with her for two years and you can't openly talk to her about these things?.......if you don't like something or something is on your mind...talk to her about it.

Yes, but . . . .

I would not address Issue Number One: "Honey, you have awful taste and I am appalled that you think I would like something so hideous." I would just leave that one alone altogether. Sometimes you just have to appreciate that someone thought of you.

Issue Number Two is important enough to bring up. A lot of relationships don't work out because the people involved cannot get on the same page about money. You could start exactly as you started with us: "I think it's fantastic that you did this. However, I am worried whether now is the right time for luxury gifts. Would it be okay if we returned it and spent the money on this other bill?" In that way, you have (1) complimented her choice, (2) affirmed that you understand that positive motivation that went behind it, (3) but pointed your concern at the problem and not the person, (4) and asked for consensus to move forward. This is a delicate situation and feelings can get hurt; just be aware and try not to have your conversation be taken as criticism or a bid for control.

If this is an ongoing problem, i.e., if there are many thousands of dollars of unnecessary gifts and bankruptcy is imminent, then maybe counseling with a third party is necessary. Good luck.
Reply
Reply
post #6 of 18
10/26/07 at 3:49pm
I have a different view from most here...

1. Take the gift with the love and intention with which it was presented to you. If you truly love one aother it should mean more to you the sentiment than the way it looks.
2. Wear it occasionally and then "put it away for special occasions"...
3. Talk with her regarding contributing to the finances of the household WITHOUT mention of the gift or the money that was spent on it. At least a week or so should elapse before you have this conversation so she wont make the connection between the two... I believe it was given from the heart.
Reply
Reply
post #7 of 18
10/27/07 at 7:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimitri View Post

3. Talk with her regarding contributing to the finances of the household WITHOUT mention of the gift or the money that was spent on it. At least a week or so should elapse before you have this conversation so she wont make the connection between the two... I believe it was given from the heart.

This is a wise, wise man.
Reply
Reply
post #8 of 18
10/28/07 at 12:22am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Advocate View Post

This is a wise, wise man.

*Takes a sweeping bow* 8 years married and Im understanding a few things
Reply
Reply
post #9 of 18
10/30/07 at 7:19pm
  • tdi
  • offline
  • Gender:
Say Thank You. My husband has bought me many gifts ( very expensive) that have not been what I would choose for myself but I received them all graciously and wear them ( from time to time ) with pride.
Reply
Reply
post #10 of 18
10/30/07 at 7:59pm
I think too many people are playing the "don't complain about a gift graciously given" card. I don't think that's the issue. It's the money. I've also been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, and if she pulled something like that, I sure as hell wouldn't sit around and fret about it. Festering little annoyances about money just get more inflamed if someone doesn't say something from the beginning. I've seen great friends stop talking due to smaller monetary infractions.

I don't want you to jeopardize your own relationship in this way. Don't be rude about it, but clearly point out that there is no justification for spending extravagant amounts under the circumstances, and having a roof over your head is more important than having a watch. Hopefully she can handle you talking directly to her about the need for financial care and restraint. The point isn't who she spent the money on or the intention behind it...it's that she spent it in the first place.

Sorry to be so blunt about it. It's just that I recognize this as something very bad in the making, and I really think you need to address the situation directly and immediately.
Reply
Reply
post #11 of 18
10/30/07 at 8:26pm
Let's compare these two approaches:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimitri View Post

Talk with her regarding contributing to the finances of the household WITHOUT mention of the gift or the money that was spent on it. At least a week or so should elapse before you have this conversation so she wont make the connection between the two.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LiveJazz View Post

Don't be rude about it, but clearly point out that there is no justification for spending extravagant amounts under the circumstances, and having a roof over your head is more important than having a watch.

The same point gets made, but I know which one I would want to be on the receiving end of.

There are a number of problems with the second approach. First, is it necessary to criticize her judgment? Second, will she feel that her boyfriend is trying to control her, that he has the final say around here? A relationship between two equals does not work that way. That approach is more like a parent scolding a child, and she may rightfully resent being treated that way.
Reply
Reply
post #12 of 18
10/30/07 at 8:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Advocate View Post

Let's compare these two approaches:





The same point gets made, but I know which one I would want to be on the receiving end of.


Another wise man speaks!
Reply
Reply
post #13 of 18
10/30/07 at 8:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Advocate View Post

The same point gets made, but I know which one I would want to be on the receiving end of.

There are a number of problems with the second approach. First, is it necessary to criticize her judgment? Second, will she feel that her boyfriend is trying to control her, that he has the final say around here? A relationship between two equals does not work that way. That approach is more like a parent scolding a child, and she may rightfully resent being treated that way.

I very specifically said not to be rude about it. In fact, be very nice and patient about it. I think that using the watch not as an argumentative weapon but as an example of the actions that should not be happening would make the point more tangible and urgent. If the money situation is as dire as the original post indicates, Docman cannot afford to a) wait to speak up and b) risk her not getting the point later.

I know I sound cold and heartless. I'm really not. I know that people are going to flame me left and right, and that nobody is going to agree with me. The guy is living on Ramen 5 days a week and is picking up far more than his fair share of expenses. If my method does come off as rude (which it should not if care is taken), I still say that some momentary rudeness is preferable to a simmering, unspoken bitterness about money.
--------------------------------------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Advocate View Post

You could start exactly as you started with us: "I think it's fantastic that you did this. However, I am worried whether now is the right time for luxury gifts. Would it be okay if we returned it and spent the money on this other bill?" In that way, you have (1) complimented her choice, (2) affirmed that you understand that positive motivation that went behind it, (3) but pointed your concern at the problem and not the person, (4) and asked for consensus to move forward. This is a delicate situation and feelings can get hurt; just be aware and try not to have your conversation be taken as criticism or a bid for control.

P.S. I absolutely agree with this statement. I just strongly feel that time is of the essence with arguments such as this. In fact, I would actually prefer Dmitri's method if the financial hardship wasn't so pressing.

P.P.S. I'm sorry that my first statement was rash. Reading it again, it is overboard. It's just that my gf and myself are both very strict with ourselves financially, and neither of us would expect much patience from the other in a situation like this. I was a little angry for Doc just reading the post and I should have waited to respond.
Reply
Reply
post #14 of 18
11/7/07 at 1:17am
most annoying bit of advice you'll get in this thread: it's just money, don't worry about it.
Reply
Reply
post #15 of 18
11/7/07 at 10:24pm
Pretend you like the watch if you have to, but maybe you could suggest that you return it and go together to pick out a less expensive one and put the rest of the money towards bills. Maybe she'll appreciate your supposed logic.
Reply
Reply
post #16 of 18
11/7/07 at 10:57pm
Take the gift as is and pretend? Hmmm, how would that make her feel if she ever discovered how you really felt about her gift?? Like shit. Wouldn't you? Its also surreptious and lying.

Indeed, its the thought that counts but loving honesty is just as important. I prefer Delia's suggestion of emphasizing the thought but selecting a new watch that you enjoy, but doing it together. She'll appreciate your honesty and enjoy the time spent together, which is what most women (arguably men) want. She does want you also to have something you want and something that reminds you of her, perhaps something less expensive as well.

That's wisdom.

TNMA
Reply
Reply
post #17 of 18
11/8/07 at 9:03am
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenmarcher View Post

Take the gift as is and pretend? Hmmm, how would that make her feel if she ever discovered how you really felt about her gift?? Like shit. Wouldn't you? Its also surreptious and lying.

Absolutely. Total honesty is the best policy. While you are at it, this might also be a good time to mention that you do not like the way she is doing her hair these days, you have noticed that she has put on a few pounds around the tummy lately, and, sheesh, when is the last time she shaved those legs? After all, how would she feel later if she found out she was not turning you on like she used to? It is all about her feelings, really.

Once you get out of the hospital, let us know how it turned out, okay?
Reply
Reply
post #18 of 18
11/13/07 at 12:29pm
Honesty is alway's the best way to go. Lie's, have a way of catching up with you. Than you find your self telling another lie to cover up the first lie. It get's confusing,so many lie's Beside's, the thought,had to be there before the watch,and that is what is most important!
Reply
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Off topic

Features on Basenotes

Basenotes Reader Awards 2013 - Finalists Announced.
Petals Falling From The Sky - A Report From The Cote d'Azur's Bataille De Fleurs
Greatest Hits: Annick Menardo
Basenotes › Basenotes Forums › General Discussion › Off topic › Tricky dilemma: received a gift...