I can't sleep... Since were's talking about tobacco, how about a funny story about cigars?
At the hotel in which I tend bar, we've been smoke-free for a year. Before that, we had a lot of cigar smokers and even had a nice giant wooden humidor. There was this one guy that we couldn't stand-- he kind of looked like Leon Pannetta and always came in with buy-one-get-one free drink coupons. And he always bought cigars and never tipped on anything. We always referred to him as "Cigar and Cabernet guy." It was funny because we disliked the guy, but he always thought he was our best friend.
We were preparing to go smoke-free, so we were getting rid of our cigars pretty cheaply. Also, the GM came in with a dolly and removed the humidor-- I think he gave it to one of his corporate buddies. About ten minutes after the humidor was wheeled away, Cigar and Cabernet guy came in looking for wine and a cigar. I decided to f*ck with him.
"Aw dude-- you JUST missed it. We got rid of all of our cigars. We were just handing them out for FREE by the handful-- the $24 Montecristos... everything. We just had to get rid of them all."
The guy was getting really agitated by this "news". He was so mad at his bad luck. The other bartender was trying really hard not to laugh, because he had dared me to give this guy the BS story. The guy tried a few times to form a sentence, before finally stammering "...What about me?...I...I'm y-your best customer! Why didn't you t-tell me you were giving everything away?!?'
Then I topped it off with this "Yeah, that's too bad. And also, apparently, they needed to get rid of the humidor in a hurry and there were no takers so some old lady at the bar said she would take it-- and the hotel is actually paying to ship it to her home in Minnesota-- just to get it out of here. It's a pity because she said she doesn't even smoke cigars, but she liked the color of the wood."
The look on the guy's face was priceless and indescribable. What I did was mean but funny. At least after that, every time he came in, he started tipping us and he's actually an OK guy now. Sometimes you've gotta break some eggs etc. LOL.