Funny Quirky Sayings

Heh, I actually say the turd in a punchbowl one, depending on the company. I just say punch bowl, though, not governor's punchbowl.

I've always liked "Well find me a box of Crayolas & color me tickled pink!"

That's a whole different kettle of fish, or a plate of donuts as in that is a whole different matter.

Why he's crazier'n a pet coon.

When she walks away from you, her rear end looks like a gunny sack with a couple of baby raccoons playin' in it.

He/she ain't got the sense God gave a goose.(or enter your own choice)

Its raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock.

He/she is so tight, he/she squeaks when he walks.

(I'm from the country. What can I say?)

"I see said the blind man, to the deaf, dumb, and blind horse."

Or when someone asks you where something is, you answer, "what do I look like a crystal ball?" Or you can substitute with a road map.

Interesting. In Latin-America it's " The Devil is getting married. "
Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I sense a PhD thesis lurking there . . .

" Mas sabe el Diablo por viejo que por Diablo "
--But this very popular one one does. Rough translation:
"The Devil knows a lot more because he's ancient, than because he's Evil."

" Did you forget you weren't hatched in an incubator? "--One of Mom's faves.

" He had more crosses than a positive blood test "---One of Dad's, translated from the Spanish.
In Cuba doctors would stamp a cross on a medical certificate if one had a contagious venereal disease.
This saying refers to excessive military decorations . . .

" More nervous than a cat with a long tail in a roomful of rocking chairs."---This has got to be Southern.

" We are daffy ducked! "-----We're completely f****d! ----Cockney rhyming slang.

" Did he need killing? "---Texan. Sometimes used by police to question the character of a murder victim.

" Sona si Latine loqueris " ----I saw this on a bumper sticker. It took me a while to get it: Honk if you speak Latin.

Pax 'all

Marius

"I haven't had so much fun since the pigs ate up my little brother!
(Ironically, when you've been bored)

"Just like horse s***--where it falls, it stays."
Said by your mother when nobody picks or tidies up after themselves.

"If it were a snake, I would have been dead by now."
Said when you've found something close at hand that you've been looking for.

"That, and 25 cents, will get you a cup of coffee."
On the worthlessness of a piece of information or anything else. Except now it should
be $2.25 and a latte.

"All the taste she has is in her mouth." Self explanatory.

"He has more troubles than Carter has pills." A reference to an old, widely advertised patent medicine,
Carter's little liver pills.

"Is the Pope Catholic?"
"Does a bear s*** in the woods?"
In other words, an obvious "yes" answer to a question.

"The devil is beating his wife" is also used in Hungarian for rain and shine together.

LOL that just reminded me of something a comic (can't remember who) said...

"She wouldn't call herself a lesbian even if she had a mouth full of one."

There's also one that's a family joke. My mom once unintentionally combined "I smell a rat" with "something smells fishy"...it came out "I smell a fish." My mom is notorious for saying unintentionally hilarious things.

I grew up in NZ and Australia and the punchbowl one goes thus "down under":

"That would go down like a poo in a punchbowl".

This is my new fave from your list: "You can wish in one hand and sh!t in the other and see which fills up the fastest"...

...sounds like something Dr. Phil would LIKE to say to some of his guests...

He had a smile on him like a skunk pulling sh!t out of tall grass.
- I wasn't aware that this activity pleased skunks so much until I met my MIL.
She's also fond of saying:
Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it. (Used to describe our former Prime Minister, Jean Chretien.)

this one has really amused me!


ones we use:

'as useful as a chocolate fireguard'

'a sandwich short of a picnic' when querying someone intelligence as well as

'one beer short of a six pack'

My husband also unintentionally mixes his metaphors. My favorite one was "He's talking through his cuff"-
a combination of talking through one's hat and speaking off the cuff.

funny how that gets around the world. first time i encountered it was in a caribbean women's lit class in that the saying "the devil and his wife are arguing" was used in the way you've mentioned in the book It Begins with Tears (http://www.powells.com/biblio/9780435989460?&PID=32318)

a personal favorite of mine came from a friend's grandmother: "crazier than a shithouse rat." self explanitory, no?

one we have in the dive shop that most of the world wouldn't get is "he's a walking pretzel." refers to someone who's done some crazy and/or commerical diving and has caught a bad case(s) of the bends (decompression sickness) and we're not really quite sure how's he's still alive or still diving at that point. another one from the shop is "Yeah, go dive the Andrea Doria." we get a lot of chest beaters who like to brag about their tech diving (we're a more recreational shop). Basically we're calling them out by naming one of the most rediculous and hard to dive sites in the country. Dive that, you get our respect. until then, shut up.

"all hock and no spit" he's more talk than he is action.

"driving the bus and calling for ralph" comes from my the boyfriend's father to describe a particularly nasty bout with the toilet after a night of drinking.

"well, if you're going to be a goat, be a goat!" said to me by the cool Jamaican lady in my upper level creative writing class. i was already late and rather hungry, so i stopped and got some dinner to-go because my classes were just not worth a speeding ticket, and walked in eating a chalupa. (lucky for me, my professor had a sense of humor and only asked if i had brought him some nachos).

That's all i've got for now. :-)

Those are actually pretty funny!
I wonder if anyone actually uses them.

I love how all of them include the word shit.

One saying 'i'm' notorious for, even though I remember reading it off somewhere else is:

He's not the smartest gold tooth in the rapper's mouth.

How could I forget my favorite?

"He don't know shit from Shinola."

I think this is of WW2 vintage.

"He's lower than a snake's belly in the rut of a wagon wheel."

Jeb Clampitt from the Beverly HillBillies

In Alabama, I heard:

"Raise the winder down -- it's comin' up a cloud!"

(Close the window -- it's going to rain.)

Or, he's a french fry short of a Happy Meal.

My dad used to ask me about people that I had talked to by saying, "what'd he allow?" and for the longest time I thought, what in the heck are you talking about? I had no idea what he was asking me. Maybe its just me but it meant, "what did he allow? what did he say? what did he allow himself to tell you?

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
(after someone's use of vulgar language)

Knee high by July!
(the corn crop is good - what can I say, I live in Indiana!)

My tongue got wrapped around my eye tooth and I couldn't see what I was saying!
(when a sentence just comes out jumbled)

I assure you, we do.

I coulda shit though a screen door and not touched a wire (pronounced wor).
(I was quite sick)

Dont get none on your forehead or your tongue'll slap your brains out trying to get to it.
(That food tastes amazing)

It's hotter than hell on the 4th of July!
(It is quite hot today)

Well isn't that just the pot calling the kettle black.
(self explanatory)

Well aint you just the sweetest smelling flower (pronounced flare) on the whole branch.
(you are quite lovely)

I need that about as much as I need another hole in the head.
(it is useless)

I aint seen you in a month fulla Sundies (sundays)
(It's been awhile)

I've enjoyed this thread so much. There are some really hilarious ones I had never heard before. Here are some of my favorites:

If my grandmother had had wheels, I'd be a bicycle (this is translated from the Spanish and means stop wishing for that which you are not)

The lights are on, but nobody is home (self explanatory, to describe a not too smart person)

If I tell you, I'll have to shoot you (perfect answer for someone who asks nosy questions)

My friend Brad is quite fond of his saying "Why don't you take a one-way trip on the Shut Up Express!" Pretty self-explanatory.

This is the funniest thread in a long time. I've been cracking up for 10 minutes.

"He's crazier than a pet raccoon."
My dad's way of saying someone's completely nuts.

"He's an enchilada short of a combination plate."
My mom's way of saying someone is dim witted.

"You just packed your bags and went to Bora Bora."
My mom's way of saying "you're not listening to me."

"Manso, pero no menso."
Translates "Meek but not stupid."
My (Spanish) grandmother's way of saying humility is fine, but don't be taken advantage of.
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Wow! I've never heard this saying from anyone else but my dad. (A WWII vet!)
He used to use it frequently!

One of my grandmothers said something in Yiddish, which a family member translated as "If your aunt had testicles, she would be your uncle." I'm sure it was raunchier in Yiddish.

My ex-mother-in-law, a beloved, smart-mouthed lady, said of her son, "He thinks with his schlong." It was funny at the time.

Tighter than a crab's ass in deep water.

(my dad's favorite way of describing a skinflint)

It's tighter than a nun's ass.

Fairly self-explanatory, I use it say that yes indeed, I have locked a door. :P

Two more:

1. " Body by Maserati, brains by Mattel. "


--- If you can't figure this one out, ask her to go out with you.


2. " That depends on what is, is "--- I don't know why, but it always cracks me up.

Cheers,

Mario

Tee hee.

Tighter than Kelsey's nuts. (Maybe you have to be from Brooklyn to appreciate this.)

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans - the tinkers would all be out of business. (Of course everyone knows what/who tinkers are. Besides our Tinker.) British - via my late wonderful husband, also responsible for Kelsey's nuts. Oh, you know what I mean.

"He needed killin' " - acceptable homicide defense. (See previous entry.)

Response to "How are you?" - "Finer 'n frog's hair."

Another response to "How are you?" - Bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Yet another response to "How are you?" - Runnin' around in tight little circles.

The last four are all from here in the South.

I grew up with the first three -- aren't they GREAT old expressions?

We always used to say that, "Well, he needed killin', yore Honor" was the definitive East Texas legal defense.

" Carry on like that and you'll be laughing on the other side of your face"
" He's tight as a gnat's chuff"
" Was it it cold in the ground when you got up this morning"
And one of my favourite ones from Beavis and Butthead " i'm gonna slap you round like a ginger step child"

OMG -- that's CLASSIC! I'm going to have to put that one to good use as soon as possible!


Same thing, different words I grew up with all my life: "I'm gonna beat you like a red-headed stepchild."
Black kids I grew up with often heard THEIR mamas say, "I"m gonna beat all the black off you!"

Another two we all heard with great frequency in my part of the country growing up:
"I'm gonna slap you into next Tuesday!" (or Wednesday, or whatever -- although it always seemed to be Tuesday in that threatening little refrain, though . . .)
and
"I brought you into this world, young man -- don't think for one moment that I'll wait to take you out of it."

If I only had a dime for every time my mom said to me as a boy, "I'm gonna slap you into the middle of next week..."

My grampy died when he was nearly 100. When I was a small boy it seemed he was ALWAYS sick in bed. Whenever I'd ask, "How do you feel, Grampy?", he'd ALWAYS respond, "With my hands, just like you do."

My brother-in-law is from Oklahoma, and whenever he's asked how a certain event turned out (i.e. Dr.'s appointment, job interview, a reluctant visit with relatives) he'll say, "Well, it was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

Oh, yeah, I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard that and/or said it. We often say it, too, after something really nice that we don't want to brag about (e.g., good sex, good food, any really nice experience).

Here's another old chestnut I heard this weekend: "If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry."

My MIL about people with huge egos:
"He thinks he is a sh*t on a stick, while in fact he is a fart on a splinter".

"Nervous as a gerbil in a San Francisco pet shop"
(Use your imagination)

" Colder than a well digger's ass"
(Very cold)

" That dog won't hunt"
( Doesn't make sense or won't work)

" She's PHAT"
(Pretty Hot And Tempting)

"If 6 people call you a horse you better look for the saddle"

"If you live by the sword, you'll die by the sword"
(If you steal, you'll be stolen from..etc.)

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" - Sun Tzu
(Be on good terms with all people - Desiderata)

"You think you got angels flying out your ass?"- You think you're better than everyone else?

"Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?" -My brother-in-law

"I'm gonna slap the taste out of your mouth!"

"That child is like a fart on a hot skillet"- He won't stay put

"Whoever eats the fastest gets the mostest"

"Shut your cotton pickin' mouth!"

"Stuck like shit on Velcro."

"Yeah, well, if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle."
(A great comeback next time you hear someone pose an implausible "if" kind of statement.)

"Well, I guess SOMEONE woke up on the wrong side of the coffin this morning!"

Next time you get asked to do something you don't want to do, simply do this:
Say "Let me ask my manager." Spin quickly in a circle, then say, "Uh, he says NO."

I lol'ed. Sounds like the South is a veritable gold mine for weird expressions. I used to date a guy from OK, and he would have the weirdest sayings, too.

Re: the rain and shine thing, in Dutch it's the same: "de duvel slaat z'n wijf" - the devil beats his wife.

It's hard to contribute any Dutch sayings, a lot would get lost in translation. I do remember reading this booklet on funny misunderstandings with non-native English speakers. One example that stuck with me was about a couple taking their leave: "I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart... And from my wife's bottom as well."

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit if it ain't (name)! -- Down South and meeting someone for the first time in a long while.

The version I learned from my dad:

"I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw."

And a ritual from my childhood dinner table: We'd sit down and Mom would say, "Is everybody happy?" Dad would always reply, "No, I'm Snow White."

Maybe you had to be there.

I'm just loving this thread. Some of those southern expressions are familiar. They must have migrated out west during the Dust Bowl.

"Well i'll be a monkey's uncle!"- expression of disbelief

We have a guy at work who does this all the time! In his defense, he is not a native American English speaker (he is from Mexico) and I think he gets it all jumbled up when he tries to put out an idea too quickly. Some of his hum-dingers include.....

"OK gentleman, regroup....let's keep our ball's on the eye!" (Uhh....that's EYE on the BALL, dude!! )

"...Yes, that's true; but the bottom of the point is....." (Here he mixes "bottom line" and "the point"...understandable).

"He/She looks like they were beating the Ugly Stick!" (Ahem....beaten with an Ugly Stick.)

Our department manager heard me use "In like flint" once and somehow came up with "In there like swimwear". Wedgie? I dunno.

Some of my faves include but are not limited to.....

"Shakin' like a dog sh#ttin' razor blades" (Physically shaking, nervous or have the 'chills')

"Not the brightest bulb on the chandelliere" (Did I spell that right. Heh heh....looks like an example right here! )

And the "lesson in life" ones I love.......

"Two wrongs don't make a right...but three lefts do!" (Credited to the late, great Jack Benny or one of his collaborators)

"If you lie on your back and cry on your pillow, tears roll into your ears." (The Flintstones, some episode with a celebrity detective guy in it.)

"Wild sex to me is like nuclear astrophysics.....I just don't get it." (My own authoring, to rationalize my low-key lifestyle. )