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Useful work phrases

post #1 of 15
8/10/10 at 10:18am
Thread Starter 
These will spice up a meeting...

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you are an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication!

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

19. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

20. Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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post #2 of 15
8/10/10 at 11:28am
Nice. #1 actually sounds like something I would say...good or bad?


Planning an office party or a fantasy football team?

"I'm developing a multi-pronged, synergistic solution to enhance cross-functional effectiveness by using inter- and intra-departmental assemblages to foster the repletion of stability and equanimity among associates."
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post #3 of 15
8/11/10 at 4:08am
Remember, youth and talent are no match for age and treachery.


(I actually have a T shirt emblazoned with that motto.)
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post #4 of 15
8/11/10 at 6:12am
#22 is a gem. Might just use that one!
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post #5 of 15
8/11/10 at 6:29am
I'm not afraid of work, I have learned to defend myself from it
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post #6 of 15
8/11/10 at 7:20am
Thread Starter 
#12 has a certain appeal. Those ceremonial duties ...

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” Robert McCloskey
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post #7 of 15
8/11/10 at 7:54am
Love those quotes. My DH would relate to No. 19 - he has a thing about consultants.............
I love No.23.
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post #8 of 15
8/11/10 at 8:39am
Thread Starter 
Here's some great ones by the Quantum physicist Niels Bohr

No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.

How wonderful that we have met with a paradox. Now we have some hope of making progress.
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post #9 of 15
8/11/10 at 9:11am
Thanks Ody. Good ones !

Mine is a simple one that's stuck with me for years.... 'Apply Yourself' - a very ( I mean , his face would crack if he smiled but he was one of my closest and my best friends ... ) serious friend of mine said this to me once when I was very young. He was so serious when he said this to me, I laughed till I cried.
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post #10 of 15
8/11/10 at 10:12am
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#2 is really good and funny.
#14 is a classic.

I'm with Sorcery of Scent, I might just steal #22. That made me chuckle. Ody.
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post #11 of 15
8/11/10 at 2:28pm
Thread Starter 
"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, not so good when people obey and acclaim him, worse when they despise him....But of a good leader who talks little when his work is done, his aim is fulfilled; they will say, 'We did it ourselves.'" Lao Tzu
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post #12 of 15
8/13/10 at 12:19am
All 26 are gems. It's hard to pick the top 10, let alone one!

Let's see, what to add?

I do have a great deal of initiative, but why would I wish to be a better slave?

*****************

So, tell me. How many people in this department envy the dead?

***************

One of the safety valves of capitalism is that one is forced to train one's future competitors. Therefore allow me to share with you the method I've invented to file for unemployment

*****************************

Spare me your platitudes.

( By itself this will usually fall flat but it's great when someone tries to explain how the problem is not as bad as it seems. It worked perfectly for Dr. Fu-Manchu in that situation. So if you can act the part of a calm and evil mastermind, go for it! )

*******************************


Would you not surmise that many present here have gone to great pains to discover precisely where you park your car?

**************************


What are you trying to say?

Like Fu-Manchu's line, this may seem flat at first but it works wonders for very specific work situations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkyAl-xrcZU


Pax,

Mario
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post #13 of 15
8/13/10 at 3:36pm
I really love:

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I find myself conjuring variations of this more often that I'd like to admit (instead of 'You're insignificant.', though, 'I was focused elsewhere.').


I have a personal and funny one, used to me by one of my exasperated-but-diplomatic contractors (His choice of metaphor really tickled me and has stuck with me for some years.);

"Ma'am, I know I'm just the cook; I know it's your chicken. Just tell me how you need it re-done."
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post #14 of 15
8/13/10 at 5:00pm
#4 reminds me of the opening to Mythbusters: I reject your reality and substitute my own.

#5 is almost a Homerism: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

#12 reminds me of a gentleman who had an office in the same building as mine. Don was a kingpin in the local Republican party, always wore a suit, and had a sort of Walter Matthau air about him. When our state began offering personalized license plates, Don was eager to indulge his sentimentality and reproduce the plate his father had on his car many decades ago. It was hysterical to see this conservative man climb out of his conservative sedan with the S8 10 license plate.
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post #15 of 15
8/13/10 at 5:10pm
Lots of brilliant humor here. Love it.

My favorite - an old standby: "The director of our complaints department is Helen Waite. If you have a complaint, you need to go to Helen Waite."
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