MIND MATTERS. A support group for mind, body and soul.

‹ Back to Group Overview
This group is private. Please pm me for details. musse » More

Troubled Relationships
« Back to Group Discussions

post #1 of 26
9/11/09 at 12:53am
Thread Starter 
This issue popped up on a number of other threads, so I thought I'd start a dedicated thread to it. Any relationships - romantic, friendships, family, or otherwise.

Hopefully we can help each other out some.
Reply
Reply
post #2 of 26
2/8/10 at 9:32am
I don't know why I bump this thread and take up the task of resurrecting it, months after it stood all that empty with no reply, but I guess that, when it appeared in the first place, last year in September, I would have hardly found the strength to address it directly and/or bluntly.
I have decided to write on this board more than just to vent, yet it seems that I had more than fair share of troubled relationships (or, more accurately, the lack of almost any relationship), so much, that it got unbearable. Yes, now I'm talking romantic relationships and the constant feeling of misfortune which chased me since day one, when it came to the opposite gender. And this is far more than just speaking from loneliness, frustration and desperation.
Reply
Reply
post #3 of 26
2/8/10 at 9:33am
At first, I thought I lacked the company and/or intimacy of a potential partners, yet there's more than this to it, quite often, I'm truly missing the feeling of being there, generous and dedicated to someone. But never being in a relationship, nor even attracting anyone or making oneself liked and loved by anyone up to the age of almost 27 makes one think. And I constantly get the sensation that my time is running out and that it might as well be too late for ever being together with someone. To get in more details, I do admit, it was part of my fault too, since from early puberty onwards up to now, I was constantly bullied and simply ignored, apart from getting hundreds of rejections (both in real-life dating and in online partner search) on accounts of ugliness- just see the Members Pictures section, part 5- short height, lacking self-esteem. But after hearing the same complaints and criticism all over again, I became increasingly certain that something is definitely wrong with me.
Reply
Reply
post #4 of 26
2/8/10 at 9:40am
I came so far as I'm in the point where I seek for immediate and effective solutions, a definitive answer. It's so excruciating to see that most people's happy relationships beginning with late puberty and early teens, while I am in my early adulthood and still lack almost any experience whatsoever. I've heard explanations for that, including the fact that "women will never go for a person with so little experience", "women will always sense my insecurity" and even "with an attitude like mine, I will never get anyone". And, more and more, all these years of loneliness, combined with increasingly negative feedback on my private life, make me almost certain that nothing will change, otherwise, I would not wasted that much time. My trouble is also the fact that I come from a nearly Third-world country, where dating/private life/romance patterns are, at the same time, both very traditional and, paradoxically, quite mercantile.
Reply
Reply
post #5 of 26
2/8/10 at 9:51am
Any misogyny aside, virtually the majority of women in my country, by the time they reach the age of consent, are already committed, thus completely unavailable, or even already married- so, even thinking about starting a relationship with anyone still available would be against the law. Aside from that, most women in my country are all demanding an expensive, lavish, showy lifestyle, complete with luxury cars, Vuitton or Hermes handbags, Vertu phones, and more, as a prerequisite of starting any relationship or even as a "calling card", even if they are not even going to become friends with the man giving them this, simply as a compensation for the "trouble" of simply being introduced to any guy. Now, I'm far from stingy, but I think investing huge sums of cash just as the equivalent of an uncertain relationship going nowhere, is just overdone.
Reply
Reply
post #6 of 26
2/8/10 at 9:55am
But the main difficulty is that, while I might be reluctant about this, there will always be men, aside from having the looks I never had, are also willing to spend as much, so even if I was on top of the Forbes list, I would always to look behind my shoulders because a guy willing to invest more and thus will get more can always come along. So the financial aspect only makes matters even worse.
Thus, with no relationships likely to happen pretty soon, this whole situation plagues me as much that I have long lost my will to live. At first I though, either that "it's not everything" or that "I do love life", but in fact, I don't. Due to the constant private misfortune, I'm not even sure whether this is more than just negative attitude and it might be an incurable disease- some guys are born to attract the opposite gender without even trying, others stand no chance.
Reply
Reply
post #7 of 26
2/8/10 at 10:03am
I'm genuinely disgusted about myself in relation to women, yet unable to remember myself of ever being different. When all the other guys in this world confess about their numerous relationships, experiences and dating successes, when almost any film or anytime I go out in the house, my nose is nearly constantly rubbed into seeing happy couples, sometimes nearly half of my age, it's definitely sometimes too hard to bear. In my pain, there seems to be no terminal point either, so why not end it, if the ending can be so easy, clean and painless? So hard, that I often lack the energy of waking up each morning and interact even minimally during the day. But after a lifetime of rejection, I'm not going to fail with a few hundred more potential partners, like I did before. I guess I'm simply not made for having a woman (and since I'm neither LGBT nor asexual, although I respect everyone embracing this, even tougher luck for me).
Reply
Reply
post #8 of 26
2/8/10 at 10:13am
It's just that, apart from any form of physical intimacy, I will never get shared love, that love which is two-directional and not just unrequited, as any love I felt for any woman up to now (sometimes even being directly pointed out by the very respective woman why it is unrequited, thus me never deserving her, almost irrespectively of who she actually is). And since my parents will most likely outlive me anyway and I also got over the fact of having few friends, I'm eager for the moment when I finally won't have to "hang in" any longer, not expecting anything but the total ending (since I'm neither spiritual nor religious whatsoever, being certain that there is nothing expecting me and that all chances to live happily are here on earth and quite directly proportional with immediate physical sensations of no metaphysical finality, once this chance is wasted, that's it).
Reply
Reply
post #9 of 26
2/8/10 at 10:23am
I mean, a guy like me, who was still in his senior year in University, when most of the guys had so many women, as they wanted, had to face things like one person playing a prank one me, telling me she was available, although she already had a bf, became the target of immediate ridicule of me being told "oh, you'll never be like her bf, since he's taller than you and drive a more expensive car, so she did right not choosing you" and a guy who's profile was not leading to even one date after many of years on one dating site and being downright rejected from the start from another, saying "we cannot take your profile on our site, your chances are too slim", well a guy like that cannot take any longer. There was even a time, when I avidly read the "most female compliments" threads, but it was useless, I remained the one not just to whom everything is denied, but to whom it's supposed to be denied- at least according to others.
Reply
Reply
post #10 of 26
2/8/10 at 10:31am
So when I will finally avenge the lack of any relationships in my life, troubled or otherwise (or, rather, the troubled way which only leads to unidirectional, incurable rejection), I hope that no male person in this world will learn from my story and not repeat my mistakes. I also hope that what awaits me there will be, either completely blank, or, failing this, at least a world where personal misfortune and/poor dating skills won't matter that much.
Although most scientists, scholars, physicians, therapists will agree upon the fact that my problem is a deeper one, in fact, everything else in life (OK, maybe aside from the luxury objects representing, at least in my society, the gateway to any woman), came so easily, yet the woman remain the only unobtainable and unexplained mystery. Why is it always have to be so hard to have what we really want? Thanks for bearing this nearly endless rant and please excuse any (totally unintentional) offense.
Reply
Reply
post #11 of 26
5/13/10 at 9:56am
Thread Starter 
Ken - thank you for sharing your story. To be honest, when I first posted this thread, my own troubles were too near to my heart to share, so I understand not posting here when times are their toughest.

I can't imagine living in your situation. Honestly, Romania sounds like a tough place to be - I don't know if you've thought about it, but it might be worth heading to Northern and Western Europe if you can, or maybe even North America, Australia, or New Zealand. Here in Canada, it's an oddity to be married at my age ( twenty-two ), and most of the women I know aren't even thinking of marrying and settling down until their thirties. For better worse, there are a ton of singles in every age group, teens to retirees.
Reply
Reply
post #12 of 26
5/23/10 at 9:02am
Thanks, Sugandaraja, for reading my posts and for your understanding.

The fact is, if you feel that it is not too private and-or not to recently occurred to share, I am almost certain not just me, but most Basenotes members here on mid matters would share what they are going through, so, I guess talking (in some, not all situations, as it takes a lot of processing and a tough personal decision, I know) about their personal relationships may be, if not the answer, then still one among many viable possibilities to get a better grip over them. Nevertheless, life in my country is tough, sometimes up to the point that I do not come to terms with it myself.
Yet, although relocating did cross my mind, apart from the harsh immigration policies, technically legalizing the situation of being treated in a completely overt manner like a "lesser citizen", coming from "some odd country in Eastern Europe",
Reply
Reply
post #13 of 26
5/23/10 at 9:07am
I have actually lived in Northern and Western Europe for a while and did it improve my personal or any other part of my life? Not quite, because the women still had this bias towards my way inferior condition simply because of my ethnicity and nationality. I am by far not trying to the pessimist and invalidate your advice, which I am thankful for.
But still, after so many obstacles, and considering I only have three more years to live, I am then deciding to call it quit. Since I am almost certain that I will stay single for these remaining years and just as I said, I do not want to outlive my 30th birthday. That does not mean I am not looking and still trying but chances become less and less plausible day by day, that I doubt if there is ever going to be a geographical solution to more personal problems. I also have my doubts if only one person of the opposite gender, from teen to retiree, irrespective of her background, will ever see my with anything else but hostility.
Reply
Reply
post #14 of 26
5/23/10 at 9:09am
However, thanks so much for your understanding and patience and, whenever it is not too difficult to talk about, feel free to talk to me about any more or less similar situation of yours where some- even if unprofessional advice - might make a difference.
Reply
Reply
post #15 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:16am
Thread Starter 
Well, haven't had call to use this thread for some time, but now feels like a good time to do so.
Reply
Reply
post #16 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:17am
Thread Starter 
So, yesterday, I found out my fiancee has been carrying on multiple affairs behind my back. I found out in such a simple, stupid way that a large part of me thinks it must be deliberate. He was in a rush off to work yesterday morning and he left his dating profile account up on the screen, with an email he'd written to one of his I-guess-you-could-call-them boyfriends. I was just kind of paralyzed as I read it, then began reading through multiple other correspondances with other guys. Those were just the ones I could read, too. There were many messages in German I didn't bother translating; I already knew enough.
Reply
Reply
post #17 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:18am
Thread Starter 
I know it's an all too common story, reading a lover use the words they said to you that made you fall for them on someone else, but it still feels like such a deep level of betrayal to have it happen. All those cliches - "But, I thought our love was real" - really do run through my mind.

It's worse somehow knowing it never meant anything to him. If I really thought he was deeply in love with another and that I was just holding him back from that happiness, I'd by all means have wanted to him to follow his heart. But seeing his love is just a set of stock lines to get what he wants from people - many people, apparently - it just leaves me feeling empty. The man I thought I loved never even existed.
Reply
Reply
post #18 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:19am
Thread Starter 
I also suspect that "accidents" like that don't just happen, so I'm wondering if he was playing the old "get him to break up with me first" game. And then I keep on thinking - if he was unhappy, why didn't he trust me enough to tell me? If he wanted me to go, why not just tell me? I would have gone; let him be free to persue as many flings and affairs as he liked. He knew I loved him, and would have left him if that's what would have made him happy. And if it was just about sex, why have me here at all? He knew he could get as much as he wanted of that from local guys; the one constant of being a gay guy in a western culture is there's as much freely available sex as you'd like; you don't have to import someone from across the world just to get that ( I mean, that's even true in ultra-conservative cultures like Egypt, according to friends I have the Middle East ).
Reply
Reply
post #19 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:20am
Thread Starter 
So instead, here I am having spent thousands to relocate my life entirely to Germany, and returning home poorer, without a job and without a home, with my stuff still en route here, and find myself asking -.why? Why single me out to do this to? Why move me across the world just to ditch me?
Reply
Reply
post #20 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:21am
Thread Starter 
When I confronted him with it, he didn't even get that upset. No anger, no sadness, he just seemed mildly put-out. He didn't even really have an explaination, and his answers were vague - "I just thought things would be better", shallow - "Well I just think black guys are hot", to alternately denial - "It's just your opinion I'm cheating on you".
Reply
Reply
post #21 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:21am
Thread Starter 
The latter stance was a little hard to maintain when I read his own words back to him, but when confronted, he mostly just went silent and looked annoyed. He treated the whole situation like I was I some ill-tempered wife criticizing him for some minor habit like leaving the toilet seat up or something, rather than bringing numerous, serious affairs with other people to light.
Reply
Reply
post #22 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:22am
Thread Starter 
I'm finding it hard to keep it all together and make plans to go while keeping my composure around him, and avoid thinking of all the could-have-beens, should-have-beens, and so forth. Sometimes I just feel so angry it's all I can do to prevent myself doing something rash and violent; sometimes I get so depressed I just want to collapse and never stop crying. Mostly I just feel numb, which while perhaps not healthy, is the only state I can get things done in.
Reply
Reply
post #23 of 26
9/5/10 at 6:22am
Thread Starter 
It's time to head home, and see how I can piece things together and make sense of it all. But right now, I just feel... adrift.
Reply
Reply
post #24 of 26
9/27/10 at 5:58pm
Suga, I just read your recent posts here. I'm so very sorry that you were hurt. You are obviously a sensitive, intelligent person (and oh-so-handsome, as I know from the photos you've posted here at BN!). I hope that by now you have settled into a new home and that you've begun to move on. And here's hoping that your true special someone will be there for you when you are ready for him!

Please let us know how you are doing now.

Hugs, Heidi
Reply
Reply
post #25 of 26
10/27/10 at 11:43am
Suga, I have hesitated too long to post on this thread, out of the fear not too seem in any way inappropriate. While, sadly, I am no position for any advice yet, my only suggestion would be, as Hanunani so well pointed out, to move on, but apart from that the have all opportunities and possibilities to move on and that life provides you eventually with all chances for moving on.

The saddest part of this board is, I guess, the fact that the more sensitive, emphatic, understanding we are, the more we all set ourselves out for problematic relationships.
Reply
Reply
post #26 of 26
10/27/10 at 11:44am
Recently, a lady-friend (no gf or significant other) told me that often, being in a happy relationship is not necessarily a reward for being good, smart etc., as often the less loving, understanding, reasonable have happy relationships- in fact, I almost think that anyone, male/female is much likelier to be drawn almost irrevocably to douchebags- and now I understand more than ever how right she was.

I will retire now, before I say anything more hurtful or harsh, but first and foremost, it is NOT directed at anyone on this board (in fact, if only the world outside Basenotes was like the one here...), but more importantly, sending out one more wish of happiness and fulfillment, with my best and cleanest thoughts, to anyone who went through troubled relationships so far.

I also hope that, once back home, you are steadily regaining the composure so necessary to start a new chapter of your life and that progress- as correctly pointed out above- goes well.
Reply
Reply