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Thread: Funky Town

  1. #1

    Default Funky Town

    My co-workers’ reception to herald my return to work after recent illnesses (Christmas / flu, New Years’ / severe cold) was marred by an all-too-common office complaint: Booty Funk.

    I’d arrived early, as usual, to prepare my personal items for another action-packed, thrilling round of QuickBooks, babysitting clients and other duties as assigned: The Rolling Stones DVDs, fresh fruit and vegetables, squeezy bottles of water, Basenotes tea mug (which doubles as a martini mug after office hours).

    Sitting at my desk, I noticed a faint nacreous odor. “Sniff, sniff, sniff,” I cautiously explored. No it wasn’t me.

    A sinuous, undulating vapor began to assault my still somewhat fragile olfactory system, weakened by sickness.

    Had second shift gone out for chicken and ribs and not emptied the trash bins? Were my co-workers’ penicillin / mold experiments with past-expiration date foods in the refrigerator nearing fruition?

    Being a sensitive person, I delicately asked, “Yvette, what the hell is that stink?”

    Yvette hadn't noticed it. My imagination and senses reeled. The Jones Island sewerage treatment plant? The stockyards? *My niece’s poopy diapers?

    No. It was the chair I was sitting in. Someone with a ripe, stanky *____ had sat in my chair. And my body heat had reactivated the funk. And worse - what if the funk had transfered to me?

    It was my chair, alright. Not too hard and not too soft but just right. I’d taken it to my parents’ house to lovingly reupholster the seat with new high-density foam to cushion my tender princess tush and cover it with material the same shade of green as Mick Jagger’s outfit he wore at the Milwaukee County Stadium in 1975 per photographs on loan to The Veronica Collection. Someone had the nerve to sit in my chair. And pollute it with her pungent booty funk.

    I’ve encountered this problem before. Lysol does not rid a chair of these demons. Nor does the janitor’s ‘StinkAway’ generic aerosol , although it promises to kill rhino (?). This called for drastic measures. * *

    Trying not to retch by subjugating my gag reflex, I scurried to my locker to retrieve my trusty 4.2 oz. / 125 ml *Guerlain Vetiver. Approximately thirty sprays later (and a half-hour drydown), Battalion Chief Veronica pronounced the six-alarm funk out. (I would have used the Guerlain two liter high-volume, high-pressure Vetiver emergency stink extinguisher BUT THERE IS NO SUCH THING.)

    People complain about stolen lunches, perpetual tardiness of co-workers, gossiping, etc. I think Booty Funk is the leading office problem.

    I know there are room sprays marketed towards the more discriminating consumer (which have been used as fragrances by imaginative Basenoters), but I’ve never heard of using a frag to de-stinkitize a socially awkward situation. *

  2. #2

    Default Re: Funky Town

    As a male sharing a room with three others, I feel your pain (and resort to the same defense)

  3. #3

    Default Re: Funky Town

    lol ew. you kill me veronika.

    Traveller, there is no path. You make the path as you walk. -- A. Machado

  4. #4

    Default Re: Funky Town

    I experienced the same once, at my job. There were even revealing marks involved, and no other chair in sight.
    If I had only had Guerlain Vetiver then.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Funky Town

    This is one of the most disgusting (and hilarious) posts I've ever seen!! How does one's ass get so funky as to leave its mark?! Lack of showering? Lack of toilet paper? Incidentally, you may want to consider spraying the toilet paper at your office with Vetiver.

    In terms of cleaning your chair, you may want to consider getting a car upholstery cleaner at your local auto parts store. It's a can that has a plastic brush on top. I once used the stuff on seats in an old used car to get cigarette smell out and it worked great.

    Currently wearing: Acqua Viva by Profumum

  6. #6
    Lean in closer, dear

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    Default Re: Funky Town

    Quote Originally Posted by Octothorpe
    Incidentally, you may want to consider spraying the toilet paper at your office with Vetiver.
    Creative writing from Veronica. Creative marketing idea from Octothorpe. It's nice to be able to count on some things in life. I wonder if office chair funk was the inspiration for those now-popular open-mesh office chairs???
    "I live in the garden, I just sleep in the house." -- Jim Long
    Currently wearing: Aria di Capri by Carthusia

  7. #7

    Default Re: Funky Town

    That was the funniest post I have ever read on basenotes. Thanks Veronica!
    I have had a similar experience with an office chair but the smell was "pee".
    What the heck are people doing in the office after we all go home???
    "Ca sent les pieds!"

  8. #8

    Default Re: Funky Town

    OMG! I never thought! The only office I ever worked in had one chair, reserved for me...
    I'll send you my bottle of Charles Jourdan Parfum, synergistic with situations such as that, immediately!

  9. #9

    Default Re: Funky Town

    ;D Tea meet keyboard!

    You owe me a keyboard Veronica! That was too funny. If you're not a writer, you should be. If you are, I'm looking for your novels.

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