This Week in Fragrance News! (Satire)

[chris2005]

This Week in Fragrance News! (Satire)

10/23/06


Master Perfumer Oliver Creed Creates Daring New Fragrance!



It all started with an unwelcome trip to the bathroom.

Oliver Creed, Master Perfumer of Creed Fragrances, was working on his latest overpriced scent when he had the urge to go to the bathroom....badly.

Sprinting to the washroom, he then relieved himself in a manner that was not unlike, "...the scene in Dumb & Dumber," according to Creed himself. (Co-workers explained that this happened every so often after Oliver Creed (or O.C. as extravegant hipsters call him) would eat out at Taco Bell.)

But after the dust (and the 'hershey squirts') cleared, Creed, an expert in the world of fragrances, found himself mesmerized by the animalic scent left behind in its wake.

"It was beautiful! Sexy, yet understated. Quiet, yet brash. It was the scent that I waited years for!," exclaimed Creed. "I knew right then that this would be my newest release."

Research was immediately focused on finding the 'elusive Taco Bell-ish' scent and bottling it for sale. While many on the research team were excited on the prospects (especially about the unlimited budget on Taco Bell items for 'research purposes'), a few found little excitement to be had on the job.

"I hate to say this, especially about Creed, but is this guy seriously bottling s**t?!," said a co-worker, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I don't think some of us can take it anymore. The stench is unbearable. I can't light a cigarette anymore without any fear of a climatic explosion."

After six grueling months of research, the result is Creed's newest fragrance, aptly named Baie de Lincoln Logs.

"A new fragrance that will bring a new vision to the fragrance industry, build a new following towards unique fragrances and end world hunger," proclaimed Oliver Creed in his usual, conservative anouncement. "This is the fragrance that will really, really, really turn heads."

When asked if he decided to keep with the company's policy of using natural ingredients with the newest release, Creed's only answer was, "Let's just say that we're ordering Taco Bell Chalupas 24/7."



Erwin Creed To Try Modeling Full-Time



Erwin Creed, Oliver Creed's son and posterboy for the Creed line has decided to leave the fragrance world in hopes of becoming the newest modeling sensation.

Erwin Creed, known for his frequent appearances in unnecessary press photos that are completely irrelevant to fragrances in general, has found enjoyment in posing for countless photographs in front of perfume bottles and now appears to be heading towards a modeling superstar career.

With this monumental decision, he will hope to follow in the footsteps of many fragrance specialists who successfully crossed the border into the world of modeling. This list includes.....ummmmm....well......hmmm.... I'll get back to you on that one.

"When touring countries to show off my line of overpriced fragrances, people have always commented me about how cool I looked in the photos," says Erwin Creed. "They especially liked the photo where I stand in front of the perfume bottles and act all serious and slightly agitated, like I'm struggling to design the perfect perfume. I must say, that picture is one of my favorites as well."

Creed's stardom has escalated to the point that he's currently in negotiations with Hollywood movie studios to star in a movie about a crazed, yet genius perfumer who's desperate attempt on making a glorious fragrance puts a strain on his relationships with his family and friends.

When asked if this movie sounds just a wee bit cliched, Creed scoffs at the possiblity. "Cliched? Nonsense, it's completely original!" Creed then pauses for a moment. "Okay, maybe it's a little cliched..."

A few perfumers are wary of his bold move and are worried that any mishaps along the way might bring his new career to a devastating downfall. Stewart Peterson, perfumer and designer of famous fragrances such as Mickey Mouse cologne and Spiderman cologne, is one of the those perfumers.

"It's understandable that anybody who's riding a wave of good publicity may seek other careers because of it, but Creed has to be careful not to ruin it by going overboard," says Peterson. "While many perfumers have gone on to successful modeling and acting careers, he still has to take precaution."

"I know I'm taking a chance, but life's full of chances and we have to take some of them up or else we'll never know what'll happen," says Creed. "And hey, if it all goes bad, I'll just go back to making poses with contemplative looks with Creed."




Obscure Actor Decides to Cash in on the Celebrity Fragrance Obsession.

Walter Falton, a struggling actor, has decided that now is the time.

After seeing countless movie stars and other celebrities rake in the dough by releasing bland, unmoving fragrances, Falton is now ready to be part of the phenomenon.

Falton, a veteran actor who's role in the movie Titanic as 'Man running in terror #26' and Saving Private Ryan as 'Guy getting shot #53' has earned him previous praise, now needs the money to pay off his mounting debt after purchasing quite a number of extravagant items. His Ferrari and summer home are just a couple of his purchases that he now regrets.


Person pointed by arrow is Falton

"What can I say," says Falton. "After scoring the role as 'Guy getting shot #53' in Saving Private Ryan, I thought I would go on to everlasting fame with a never ending salary. Unfortunately, things don't usually work out the way you want it to," Falton sadly explains, in what must be considered the understatement of the century.

"My new fragrance, called Falton, will be a fresh, aquatic scent. Or in other words, just like any other celebrity fragrance ever made. Though it will have a touch of grapefruit, just to be uniq....oh wait, never mind," says Falton, after realizing that adding a touch of grapefruit does not in fact make your fragrance unique.

When asked how he will sell such a fragrance whose basic formula has been used who knows how many times, Falton offers a cunning, daring stragedy that just might work. "I'll just do what other celebrities do. Tell the public that the fragrance represents who I am, tell them why they should buy it, then fall back on good old fashion bullsh*tting if their questions get too complicated."

Walter Falton. A man of bravery and genius.



BREAKING NEWS!



Bond No. 9, a New York based perfumery has released a new fragrance. Named Eau de New Jersey Meadowlands, the fragrance is a start of a new series of odd, yet enlighting fragrances.

One of the many different notes used in the fragrance includes, sulphur fumes, car exhaust and unhealthy pollutants.

When asked if this new fragrance has anything to do with Creed's newest arrival, Baie de Lincoln Logs, Bond No. 9 PR manager claims that this is only a coincidence.

Right...


-Chris

[Minty S]

Ha ha ha ha ha! O Chris, you nailed it when it comes to latebreaking, "fresh-smelling" fragrance news!

The only omissions I can see are Creed's usual discreet disclosures about which super-celebrity wears "Eau de TacoBell" as his / her signature scent -- George Clooney?

And what about one of Chandler Burr's short, seriously overheated reviews, in which he tries to sound like Luca Turin or The Pope (Italian Author-i-tye!), but just ends up sounding like someone trying to sound like them?!

[tvlampboy]

Loved the Walter Falton schtick and the "Eau de Meadowlands" piece -- a RIOT!

[radix023]

Okay, that was cute and well-done. Thanks for sharing.

[rompip]

Lol

[chris2005]

Ha ha ha ha ha! O Chris, you nailed it when it comes to latebreaking, "fresh-smelling" fragrance news!

The only omissions I can see are Creed's usual discreet disclosures about which super-celebrity wears "Eau de TacoBell" as his / her signature scent -- George Clooney?

Lol, you know I was actually going to do that. I mean, it's just so amusing to see how Creed 'quietly' lets it be known who is wearing their marvelous 100% natural fragrances. They're really something... (and this is coming from a Creed fan.)

Anyway, glad you guys liked it. I was just bored (okay, really really bored) and wanted to poke some fun into the perfume world, which needs some humor once in a while, you know?