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  1. #1

    Red face Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Some people here on Basenotes get easily pissed when I mention sexuality, or when I ask people if a scent is more feminine or masculine. Now here's the reason why I'm cautious about it..... and why I keep the perfume hobby for myself, not for everyone to know.....

    Around 4 PM, I applied 4 little sprays of Black Aoud, from a sample.

    At 8 PM, my uncle and his girlfriend visited us unexpectedly.
    He kept asking my mom if she cooked anything special, with thyme or something like that. I was a little worried.......

    He asked it 3 times, and the third time my mom said that maybe he was smelling my cologne...... I didn't like it at all that she said this.
    Knowing that it's perfume that he is smelling, he said he smelled patchouli.
    Which is right. One of the fragrance notes is patchouli leaves. http://www.basenotes.net/ID26125633.html

    After that, he said / asked the following:
    "Why do you use this?"
    "You're not turning gay, are you???"

    He also said the scent is "storming" (big projection).
    Of course I responded that I'm not gay at all.

    This left a very bad taste in my mouth...
    It must be a culture thing to associate perfume and stuff like that with being gay.
    He is not the first guy mentioning how gay perfume is...

    So please, to all the people here on the board, (especially gays and metrosexuals), please respect my questions about certain scents..... don't forget that we all live in different environments, cultures and cities and that certain views on things can vary. Thanks a lot.
    Last edited by Suppressor; 27th July 2008 at 11:23 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    [I]
    It must be a culture thing to associate perfume and stuff like that with being gay.
    Perhaps this is true in the Culture of Homophobia, Intolerance, and Narrow-Mindedness but not in the Culture of Evolved Individuals.

  3. #3

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    Post Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I'm curious, in what Country do you live? If you don't mind me asking....Thanks
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  4. #4

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Belgium.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    My dad said the same thing but it was (mostly) in jest. I get passing strange looks when I talk about it but it doesn't really bother me.
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  6. #6

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    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I think it's fine to ask if a fragrance is more traditionally masculine or feminine, of course realizing that that does vary quite a bit from culture to culture. (I have men's violet and rose shaving creams from England that would NEVER be made here in the US, for example.) However, from reading all of your post, I think you have some "coming out" to do in terms of your olfactory interests at the very least. Who cares what your uncle thinks of you or your fragrance? If he was so interested in it, maybe it could turn out to be a shared interest! Who knows?

  7. #7

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    Belgium.
    thats interesting....

    i didnt know Belgium was a culture infested with homophobia....oh well.


    another question...How old are you?
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  8. #8

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by acceptfacts View Post
    thats interesting....

    i didnt know Belgium was a culture infested with homophobia....oh well.


    another question...How old are you?
    I'm 20.
    And no, Belgium is not a culture infested with homophobia....
    Americans seem to overuse that word.

    All I see is, that in some people's head, they associate perfume with being gay.
    That's interesting.

    Now comes the question. Can you blame them?
    This is a picture from one of my favorite Basenotes users, Dimitri.

    Promoting Gaultier˛.......
    Last edited by Suppressor; 27th July 2008 at 11:59 PM.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I would have responded to your Uncle that "I don't think i'm turning gay, but you do look very handsome today, thanks for asking!" .

    Don't let your Uncle's insecurity and homophobia rub off on you. I am a straight male and dont give a flying **** about what anyone thinks about my fragrance hobby. I am a confident, secure man who loves cologne .

  10. #10

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    i would and do tell to anyone who listens about my large and growing collection of fragrances and how well "female" fragrances sit on my skin.....and I'm straight..=)

    if you're comfortable with who you are you will never have to worry about anyone else's opinion on your sexuality ....or what you like....or what fragrances you enjoy.

    if someone else's opinion could "turn you gay", i would have been waving a huge rainbow banner years ago but the coolest part about the human nature is that regardless of anything or anyone the true nature of what you are is innate and can not be truly altered by anyone else's words or actions....it can only be repressed for a period of time but it could never be destroyed....Ever.

    you are still the same good person you were before, the only thing that would change is someone else's opinion of you....which means that the only person who has changed for the worse.....is the one who'se opinion of you altered....you are still the same.
    Last edited by acceptfacts; 28th July 2008 at 12:09 AM.
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  11. #11

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    Smile Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    Belgium.
    Thanks. I guess in different cultures, and in different societies I guess we think that we should conform to the " norm " of others. I really don't who sets these standards, nor did I ever really care. I'm not a real smart guy, but one thing I do know for sure is that we are each responsible for our own happiness, so perhaps simply say it's something I enjoy, and let it go at that. Don't ever let anyone make you believe that you doing something for the wrong reason, to hell with them man, spray on!!
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  12. #12

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I think all this depends on a number of factors.

    Age: The reaches a point in life when you don't give a toss what anyone else thinks. I'm 45 and more than capable of making somebody look pathetic for suggesting that smelling good has anything to do with their sexuality. Anyone who wants to take me on will end up on the losing side. As many have found.

    Culture: I live in London which is very tolerant on the whole. We are a multi-cultural, multi-sexually preferent city which accepts all-comers really. Nobody cares if you're gay in London. It's actually more unusual for a straight guy to be into fragrance I suppose, but women find it fascinating and yes, sexy, in a straight male. A woman I know explained why she found it sexy a week or so ago. She said "A man who appreciates the difference between scents, is probably also a good cook. Men who are good cooks are more likely to notice fine detail in a woman. Combine all of those elements and you are likely to end up with a man who is very sensual in bed." Needless to say, I didn't argue...

    Attitudes to Homosexuality.

    It is a sad fact of life that some countries are so intolerant, backward and downright uncultured that they think it actually matters if someone is gay. It doesn't. The normal macho man who is obsessed about gayness is probably wishing he could have told his sports coach his true feelings for him.

    If anyone mentions "gay" in the context of perfume tell them to f-off. I act. I smell great, I get loads of women. I'm straight and I don't give a sh!t what neanderthals think.

    Get tough, enjoy fragrance and tell the rest of the world to jump off a cliff.
    In a world where people smell bad, it is the personal responsibility of every Basenoter to improve the world one SotD at a time...

  13. #13

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    I'm 20.
    And no, Belgium is not a culture infested with homophobia....
    Americans seem to overuse that word.

    All I see is, that in some people's head, they associate perfume with being gay.
    That's interesting.

    Now comes the question. Can you blame them?

    can I blame them? absolutely! who else do you want me to blame? Myself? for having good taste and using the olfactory senses that we have all been blessed with to its fullest capacity?

    do you see wine connoisseurs being accused of anything other than having love for a great product? same goes for cigar lovers (you dont see anyone accusing them of homoerotic behavior though they enjoy sucking constantly on an obvious fallic symbol).

    Because many non-updated segments of the western society still use stereotypical, narrow minded, idiotic view of what makes a "manly man" and what makes a "homo man". And if you are not smart enough to look past that incredible idiocy and absolute hypocrisy then you might fully deserve all the heartache and pain those words might have caused you.
    Last edited by acceptfacts; 28th July 2008 at 12:12 AM.
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  14. #14

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    All the women at work know i always smell good, and i get hugs from them on a daily basis. If someone thinks i'm gay because i wear cologne, then so be it.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Of course, there's the possibilty your uncle was gesting and had no intention of hurting your feelings. A close buddy of mine is gay and frequently says, "Look at that woman, she's built!" Or, "that woman is really hot." I gest and say, "I think you're a closet straight." And he doesn't mind a bit.

    Did your uncle intend to injure, or was it a remark that was meant innocently? Sometimes remarks meant innocently can still injure. One must "know their audience" before stating such things. But there is a chance that this was his attempt at warming up to you. As your uncle, it's possible he didn't mean to make you feel bad.
    Last edited by Bossa Nova; 28th July 2008 at 12:12 AM.
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  16. #16

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by acceptfacts View Post
    can I blame them? absolutely! who else do you want me to blame? Myself? for having good taste and using the olfactory senses that we have all been blessed with to its fullest capacity?

    do you see wine connoisseurs being accused of anything other than having love for a great product? same goes for cigar lovers (you dont see anyone accusing them of homoerotic behavior though they enjoy sucking constantly on an onbvious fallic symbol).

    Because many unupdated segments of the western society still use stereotypical, narrow minded, idiotic view of what makes a "manly, man" and what makes a "homo man". And if you are not smart enough to look past that incredible idiocy and absolute hypocrisy then you might fully deserve all the heartache and pain those words might have caused you.
    You are right.

    But you need to understand why I posted this topic.

    1) Some people do associate perfume with being gay.
    2) This is why I sometimes ask for opinions about scents, in terms of being more feminine or masculine

    Nothing more. Nothing less.

    Quote: And if you are not smart enough to look past that incredible idiocy and absolute hypocrisy then you might fully deserve all the heartache and pain those words might have caused you.

    Dude. I am still on Basenotes, remember?
    It pisses me off that people think this.

  17. #17

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by bossanova_boy View Post
    Of course, there's the possibilty your uncle was gesting and had no intention of hurting your feelings. A close buddy of mine is gay and frequently says, "Look at that woman, she's built!" Or, "that woman is really hot." I gest and say, "I think you're a closet straight." And he doesn't mind a bit.

    Did your uncle intend to injure, or was it a remark that was meant innocently? Sometimes remarks meant innocently can still injure. One must "know their audience" before stating such things. But there is a chance that this was his attempt at warming up to you. As your uncle, it's possible he didn't mean to make you feel bad.
    My uncle says whatever comes up in him.... He never holds back.
    I don't really care if he said it to hurt me, to joke or whatever.
    I just find the link between homosexuality and perfume interesting.
    I will always use perfume, no matter what happens folks. Don't worry.

  18. #18

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    1) Some people do associate perfume with being gay.
    2) This is why I sometimes ask for opinions about scents, in terms of being more feminine or masculine
    Just a couple more thoughts, then I promise to shut up:

    Ref. your #1: I don't think you need to be anxious about this. There are lots of bad things people could think about you, this is not one of them.

    Ref. your #2: I knew of a handsome, virile gentleman who wore rose oil in his hair and sprayed himself with his wife's perfume before stepping out with the ladies every weekend evening. (It was the 1930's and this bottle of perfume was the only one in the house!) Women dropped at his feet (literally, I'm told) and he fathered 16 children. He was my Grandfather. A feminine scent will not create a feminine personality.
    Snarky is as snarky does.

  19. #19

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    I'm 20.
    And no, Belgium is not a culture infested with homophobia....
    Americans seem to overuse that word.

    All I see is, that in some people's head, they associate perfume with being gay.
    That's interesting.

    Now comes the question. Can you blame them?
    This is a picture from one of my favorite Basenotes users, Dimitri.

    Promoting Gaultier˛.......
    Dimitri gay? No. The guy next to him? maybe.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by knightowl View Post
    Dimitri gay? No. The guy next to him? maybe.
    I know Dimitri isn't.
    That's not the reason I posted this picture.

    I posted this picture to show why people might associate perfume with gay stuff.
    Gaultier made his workers wear a kilt.
    Why did he do that? To reach a certain "group" maybe....
    I know that it's about the unisex character of the scent, but reality shows something else.
    Last edited by Suppressor; 28th July 2008 at 12:38 AM.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    According to Sigmund Freud the psychological defense mechanism of projection, one in which and individual "projects" his or her personally undesirable desires or thoughts or feelings to characterize another individual, is a relatively common process used by every one of us to a degree.

    That well may have been the case with your uncle.
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  22. #22
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    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by kbe View Post
    According to Sigmund Freud the psychological defense mechanism of projection, one in which and individual "projects" his or her personally undesirable desires or thoughts or feelings to characterize another individual, is a relatively common process used by every one of us to a degree.

    That well may have been the case with your uncle.
    Indeed. I was thinking that too.

    But more importantly, I was surprised he picked out the patchouli. He's right. Gah, perhaps that's what bothers me about Black Aoud, and not the oud at all.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    You are right.

    But you need to understand why I posted this topic.

    1) Some people do associate perfume with being gay.
    2) This is why I sometimes ask for opinions about scents, in terms of being more feminine or masculine

    Nothing more. Nothing less.

    Quote: And if you are not smart enough to look past that incredible idiocy and absolute hypocrisy then you might fully deserve all the heartache and pain those words might have caused you.

    Dude. I am still on Basenotes, remember?
    It pisses me off that people think this.
    this shouldnt piss you off.....you have plainly stated that ignorant words have a strong effect on you......and in my mind that should be the only thing that pisses you off....=)

    P.S so when you ask next time "does this one smell too feminine or too masculine" what you really asking is "is this fragrance not going to be interpreted as gay by a homophobic person who knows nothing about fragrances?"...

    P.S 2.....if your uncle interprets black aoud as "gay" or "feminine" then he might have bigger issues than narrow mindedness.
    Last edited by acceptfacts; 28th July 2008 at 12:59 AM.
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  24. #24

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by acceptfacts View Post
    this shouldnt piss you off.....you have plainly stated that ignorant words have a strong effect on you......and in my mind that should be the only thing that pisses you off....=)

    P.S so when you ask next time "does this oen smell too feminine or too masculine" what you really asking is "is this fragrance not going to be interpreted as gay by a homophobic person who knows nothing about fragrances?"...

    P.S 2.....if your uncle interprets black aoud as "gay" or "feminine" then he might have bigger issues than narrow mindedness.
    He didn't really say if Black Aoud is good or not.
    He gave me the impression he was amazed by the smell.....
    Maybe he was jaleous I don't know and I don't care.

    P.S so when you ask next time "does this oen smell too feminine or too masculine" what you really asking is "is this fragrance not going to be interpreted as gay by a homophobic person who knows nothing about fragrances?"... and because I want manly perfumes in general.

  25. #25

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Some dudes are always going to think that colognes are gay, that's just it, but they're in the minority and are heavily frowned upon by pretty much everyone else.

    I was on one of the shaving forums a while back and some asshole said that he didn't use colognes because they were for gays. Pretty much everyone on the board, myself included, went off on the guy to the point where he doesn't even show up too often anymore. Mind you, I'm pretty sure the guys on the shaving forums are pretty much straight and conservative, and they took offense to the comment, so I wouldn't worry about it. Anyone who says crap like that is probably an asshole, anyway.

  26. #26

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I would never even think about whether a scent made me gay or not.

    A fragrance doesn't have that power. Sexuality comes from without not within.

    A smell is just a smell.

    I wear a fragrance based on whether I think it works on my skin or not. Chanel No 5 doesn't, but 19 does - and I get compliments for wearing it because it has an air of familiarity about it to a lot of women, but it smells different on a man.

    Loosen up dude. I think you need to answer some of your own issues about fragrance and sexuality. Why does it bother you so much if someone else thinks a fragrance is feminine? Most people know f*ck all about fragrances.

    Wear whatever you like. If people think you are gay, let them - does it really matter? No woman I know thinks I am gay, they are more turned on by the fact that I recognise what perfume they are wearing.
    In a world where people smell bad, it is the personal responsibility of every Basenoter to improve the world one SotD at a time...

  27. #27

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by JBL View Post
    He didn't really say if Black Aoud is good or not.
    He gave me the impression he was amazed by the smell.....
    Maybe he was jaleous I don't know and I don't care.

    P.S so when you ask next time "does this oen smell too feminine or too masculine" what you really asking is "is this fragrance not going to be interpreted as gay by a homophobic person who knows nothing about fragrances?"... and because I want manly perfumes in general.
    whats "manly" is such an ambiguous term that I'm sorry but I dont believe that is what you are saying...it is what majority of your society interprets to be "feminine" that you dont want.....color pink was considered gay but now it is not only acceptable for men but is considered super fashionable,"cool and masculine"...

    your skin does a natural job of masculating any scent you wear.....if you dislike flowers then dont wear floral scent.....but i dare you tell me that Le Labo Rose 31 is a feminine scent yet its main ingredient is a flower.....

    if you want others to be more openminded maybe its always the best idea to start with yourself first.....once that happens, i think your attitude towards what anyone thinks is "masculine or feminine" will change drastically.
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  28. #28

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by mmaximus View Post
    Some dudes are always going to think that colognes are gay, that's just it, but they're in the minority and are heavily frowned upon by pretty much everyone else.

    I was on one of the shaving forums a while back and some asshole said that he didn't use colognes because they were for gays. Pretty much everyone on the board, myself included, went off on the guy to the point where he doesn't even show up too often anymore. Mind you, I'm pretty sure the guys on the shaving forums are pretty much straight and conservative, and they took offense to the comment, so I wouldn't worry about it. Anyone who says crap like that is probably an asshole, anyway.
    Well said. I actually have a good gay friend...my wifes best friend..and he is into colognes too. My wife jokes that he and I are alike...wearing polo shirts, dressing nice for work, cologne, but she teases because she knows there are idiots out there. I'm not metrosexual either. I think it is funny that people think smelling good is "gay." Most people that smell bad drive the women away and my reason for being into colegnes were early life reactions from women. Their missing out AND are homophobes.
    Last edited by ToughCool; 28th July 2008 at 01:16 AM.
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  29. #29

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    Quote Originally Posted by acceptfacts View Post
    .....color pink was considered gay but now it is not only acceptable for men but is considered super fashionable,"cool and masculine"...
    That will be for America.
    Don't forget about the differences between cultures....
    Belgium and other countries are not so open minded...
    I'm also not so open minded for the colour pink. This doesn't mean that I will give a guy with a pink shirt strange looks or something. I will just not wear it. That's all.

    You also react pretty angry to the link some people make between perfume and being gay.
    In fact we have a lot of things in common.
    I just don't feel like being a rebel and wearing feminine stuff....
    (please don't focus now on the word rebel if you want to react to this message)

    Btw I would love to try Rose 31.

  30. #30

    Default Re: Family member discovers my perfume hobby...

    I would prefer that gays and straight men and women don't think maybe I'm gay just because of the fragrance that I'm wearing. For one thing, since I'm not familiar with gay culture, I wouldn't know if I'm accidentally wearing the wrong thing. So I'm with JBL in asking fellow basenoters to help us out with correctly identifying masculine and neutral non-gay fragrances. And this has nothing to do with any lack of confidence or insecurity with my own sexuality. It's all about wanting others to perceive me correctly, so as to avoid problems.

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