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  1. #1

    Default Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    This one was written by Fonna on Fragrantica:

    "Guys, let me give you a woman's advice if you want to attract one.
    If you're going to wear Kouros, please, go easy!!
    My ex use to wear this, but that wasn't the reason for the break up, don't worry. lol
    Indeed, he wore it when we met, but he wore it lightly.

    This was his all time favorite. It doesn't smell too bad if you use it lightly...lightly is the key word here, guys.
    One year he received a big bottle of it. Wore it constantly in heavy doses after that.
    The scent was in the laundry, on the family dog, the kids.....ME!! I could even TASTE it in my food.

    I had spoke to him about it. He stopped using it for a week.But the house was infused with it already....it was , alas, too late.

    I must say, "animalic" is the best way to put the scent that comes forth in this. I got so annoyed with not being able to smell anything but Kouros that I 'accidentally' dropped the bottle in the toilet.

    So I do not really like this fragrance from my own personal experience."

  2. #2
    Basenotes Plus
    CapriDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    This sounds like a fun thread :-)

  3. #3
    hednic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Also coming from Fragrantica written by Emma 0714 about Fantasy by Britany Spears:

    "If I could get a restraining order on this one, I would.
    Absolutely vile.

    Most obnoxious scent in the world.
    When to wear this:
    - If you want to radiate a cloud of sickly sweet fake. Especially great for spreading headache amongst other passengers on a train or bus a hot, humid summer day. (And even more so if you let the aroma mix with that cigarette-bud you are keeping in your pocket)

    - If you lack the sense of smelling.
    - If you want other people to hate you.
    - If you have the sense of smelling and want to hate yourself."
    Remember that while it is perfectly acceptable to criticize the content of a post - criticizing the poster is not.
    Mean spirited, nasty, snide, sarcastic, hateful, and rude individuals on Basenotes don't warrant or deserve other individuals' acknowledgement or respect.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I must have moar!!!! bring 'em on people!
    Tom Ford Splits!!!! - Tobacco Vanille, Tuscan Leather, Oud Wood, Noir de Noir - PATCHOULI ABSOLU
    Plum Japonais, Italian Cypress, Neroli Portofino, Costa Azzura, Azure Lime, Champacca Absolute

    HARD TO FIND - Lavender Palm, Arabian Wood, and AMBER ABSOLUTE, etc...


    Most of the time I am very proud of the Basenotes community. Time after time I have witnessed the thoughtfulness, empathy & genuine friendship that members of this community extend to others - oldtimers & newcomers alike. There are other times, however, when egos get the upper hand and civility goes out the window. My philosophy is that I won't say anything here that I would not say if you were standing in front of me. Welcome to Basenotes, each and every one of us. ~ TwoRoads

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Blenheim Bouquet here on BN by Naed_Nitram.


    The Baron de Charlus once told me: 'I recall the time when I was a houseguest at Chartwell, the country estate of Sir Winston Churchill (or "Vesuvius" as we used to call him on account of his volcanic eruptions). He gave us each a bottle of Blenheim Bouquet.
    "Tell me, de Charlus," said Sir Winston in that celebrated slurred growl of his, "as a connoissheur of schent, what is your opinion of Blenheim Bouquet? Shum shay it is one of the finest schents in creation - and I concur!" "Then we are of one mind, my dear Vesuvius," I responded. "An opening of clean pure citrus with a truly divine development of warm woods. It has hardly been bettered before or since." Sir Winston looked surprised. "Sho," he said, "you do not intend, then, to asshail me with one of your shelebrated inshults?" "Merely to remark, my dear Vesuvius, given your capacity to engage in some of the fiercest and foulest eruptions known to man, that it is most gracious of you to counteract these assaults on your fellow creatures by bathing yourself in the fragrant ambience of Blenheim Bouquet. It leaves us all wondering whether we are surrounded by citrus or shitrus."
    At this, much to my admiration, the famous statesman and bon viveur growled, scowled, guffawed, and threw a steak and kidney pudding at my head.'

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I've read some real gems on fragrantica, but unfortunately I can't remember what the reviews were for!

  7. #7
    Basenotes Junkie Trilby Lark's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    There's a story by Acanthus about Jicky as a lover in the Basenotes reviews that is very clever and funny.
    Last edited by Trilby Lark; 4th February 2015 at 04:43 AM.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Agreeing that Naed_Nitram is unmatched in terms of erudite, witty humor in fragrance reviews, while also remaining dandified and with an unmistakable Proustian note. Found especially his review of Cool Water, rather negatively comparing this fragrance to the "muddled dream of a drunk shoe salesman" (an insider joke/subtle reference to the TV series "Married... with children") extremely entertaining.

  9. #9
    Basenotes Institution sjg3839's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Accidently dropped in the toilet....LOL

  10. #10
    hednic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Quote Originally Posted by JON RODGERS View Post
    Blenheim Bouquet here on BN by Naed_Nitram.


    The Baron de Charlus once told me: 'I recall the time when I was a houseguest at Chartwell, the country estate of Sir Winston Churchill (or "Vesuvius" as we used to call him on account of his volcanic eruptions). He gave us each a bottle of Blenheim Bouquet.
    "Tell me, de Charlus," said Sir Winston in that celebrated slurred growl of his, "as a connoissheur of schent, what is your opinion of Blenheim Bouquet? Shum shay it is one of the finest schents in creation - and I concur!" "Then we are of one mind, my dear Vesuvius," I responded. "An opening of clean pure citrus with a truly divine development of warm woods. It has hardly been bettered before or since." Sir Winston looked surprised. "Sho," he said, "you do not intend, then, to asshail me with one of your shelebrated inshults?" "Merely to remark, my dear Vesuvius, given your capacity to engage in some of the fiercest and foulest eruptions known to man, that it is most gracious of you to counteract these assaults on your fellow creatures by bathing yourself in the fragrant ambience of Blenheim Bouquet. It leaves us all wondering whether we are surrounded by citrus or shitrus."
    At this, much to my admiration, the famous statesman and bon viveur growled, scowled, guffawed, and threw a steak and kidney pudding at my head.'
    That was too funny!
    Remember that while it is perfectly acceptable to criticize the content of a post - criticizing the poster is not.
    Mean spirited, nasty, snide, sarcastic, hateful, and rude individuals on Basenotes don't warrant or deserve other individuals' acknowledgement or respect.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I read one on Now Smell This a long time ago -- 'Absolute shit'

    Pithy and made me laugh anyway

    Luca has some good one-liners '... for people who think wearing a fragrance is better than wearing none at all ....'

  12. #12
    DuNezDeBuzier's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Agreed... Naed Nitram reviews are BN treasure. He should write a book! Here are some more of his that made me laugh:

    Tabac Original by Mäurer & Wirtz
    When the reclusive dandy Jean Floressas Duc des Esseintes chose to retreat from the world to his house at Fontenay, it is known that the only mass market fragrance that he took with him was Tabac.
    His reasons for this were noted in his diary: " It is perfectly obvious that Tabac, this subtle, carnation-tinged elixir of clean freshness and powdery comfort, is the unavoidable choice of honest, worthy and sensitive souls - bright-eyed and kindly, modest and adaptable, solicitous embrace, fresh laundry flapping in the summer breeze, dear friend of winter days! Niche perfumiers would give their eye-teeth to have invented it! Besides, everyone knows that niche perfumes are generally purchased by braying bourgeois and nouveau riche, the kind of people who talk too loudly, jostle you in the street without a word of apology, and, with utter thoughtlessness, run baby carriages into your knees! For that reason alone, niche perfumes should be avoided!"
    What other scents he took with him to his exquisite retreat is uncertain, but they probably included Dior's Jules, Chanel Pour Monsieur, Caron Pour Un Homme, YSL Pour Homme, the original green Jaguar and Jaguar Mark II, Leonard Pour Homme, Worth Pour Homme, the original Paco Rabanne, Quorum, Guerlain's Vetiver and Coriolan, Bowling Green, Nino Cerruti Pour Homme, Cotswold by Dukes of Pall Mall, Signoricci, Portos by Balenciaga, Cacharel Pour Homme and Monsieur de Givenchy.

    No. 88 by Czech & Speake
    The Baron de Charlus once told me: 'I recall the time when I was a house guest at the country estate of Ozzie Osborne (or Osbert as I insisted on calling him for reasons of decorum). He gave us each a bottle of Czech & Speake No. 88.
    "De Charlus, you old c***," croaked the poete maudit of rock music turned national treasure, "what the f*** do you think of this f****** fragrance? Is it good shit, bad shit, or indifferent?" "My dear Osbert," I responded, "what we have here is poetry of the coffin laced with infinite solitude and emptiness. It would not be erroneous to describe it as embodying a metaphysical menace. You have to admire its evocative qualities, this strange, left-handed cousin of Messe de Minuit, itself a fairly odd and deathly scent. Personally I would shudder to wear either. I also feel that it is totally inappropriate for your good self. Given your curious combination of histrionics, vagueness and blokeishness, I feel you would be far better suited by a combination of Joop, Latitude Longitude and Marbert Man. Then you would smell like a proper f****** c***."
    My host, I fear, was distinctly unimpressed by judgement and proceeded to unleash on me his whole menagerie: wife, cats, dogs, children, musicians and bats out of hell.'

    Cuir de Russie by Creed
    The Baron de Charlus once told me: 'I recall the time when I was a house guest at the Hollywood estate of Errol Flynn. He gave us each a bottle of Creed's Cuir de Russie.
    "De Charlus, old sport," roared the actor in fury, "some reviewer on Basenotes has said that Cuir de Russie reminds him of Cary Grant's arse on a saddle! Everyone knows that Creed designed Cuir de Russie for me! And everyone knows that I've got a better arse than that lounge-lizard Grant! You're the expert, you decide the matter!"
    "My dear Flynn," I responded, "I steadfastly refuse to allow an aesthetic review to degenerate into a discussion about whether you or Mr. Grant has the most fragrant posterior. I can, however, tell you this: although not normally a lover of overtly leather scents, Creed's Cuir de Russie was a revelation to me. While I can appreciate that the likes of Bandit, Knize Ten, Etro Gomma, and Creed's Royal English leather are well-crafted scents, I'm afraid I endure rather than enjoy their fragrance. But Creed's Cuir de Russie seems to take leather scents into a different dimension altogether: beautiful citrus with a suggestion of the softest leather, clean and pure. I cannot connect at all with those reviewers who talk about sour lemons, gasolene and rubber but I quite agree with the gentleman who describes Cuir de Russie as taking leather scents to a new level of sophistication. That being the case, I conclude that the comparison with Cary Grant is quite apt. While I am sure you are his equal in terms of virility, you will perhaps concede that his image is a tad more sophisticated than that of your good self."
    It was, of course, not what Mr. Flynn wanted to hear and he never again invited me to his Hollywood estate. Indeed, I believe, had he not been aware of my skill with a swordstick, he would have challenged me there and then to act out Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham.'

    Green Irish Tweed by Creed
    The Baron de Charlus once told me: 'I recall the time when I was a house guest at the Highgrove estate of Charles, Prince of Wales (or "Chaz" as we used to call him in an effort to be friendly). He gave us each a bottle of Creed's Green Irish Tweed.
    "One would like to know, de Charlus," said the Prince, "whether one approves of this fragrance which one has presented to one." "My dear Chaz," I replied wearily, "I fear that this blatant scent has very little to recommend it. When you consider the heights to which the House of Creed occasionally rises - I speak of Vintage Tabarome, Baie de Genievre, Acier Aluminium, Chevrefeuille Original, even of Cuir de Russie and Green Valley - then Green Irish Tweed groans with banality by comparison. It is obvious, vulgar and boring."
    My words, alas, were wasted on the Prince, since he had already wandered off in the middle of my discourse to chat to his plants, embrace his lady wife, open a couple of factories, don a Rear-Admiral's uniform, and design at least three model villages, pausing only to inform everyone that the Baron de Charlus had very poor taste in scent.'

    One Man Show by Jacques Bogart
    ARISTOCRAT SHOOTS FRAGRANCE AT LEARNED SOCIETY! Police were called last night to the Society of Perfumes in Paris following the shooting of the fragrance One Man Show by the eccentric aesthete Baron de Charlus. Eyewitnesses report that de Charlus was heard shouting: 'I refuse any longer to dignify this sinus-destroying syrup with words!' Producing a revolver, he tossed a bottle of One Man Show in the air and shot it to pieces. 'I have no regrets,' de Charlus was reported as saying later, 'I only wish I had shot it sooner!' One Man Show is believed to be in a critical condition but the House of Bogart are confident it will recover.

    Eau Sauvage by Christian Dior
    The other day I happened to bump into Andre, the somewhat fractious valet of my friend Marcel. 'You know, Monsieur,' he confided to me, 'I am beginning to despair of my master's taste in fragrances. Now he has been trying to persuade me what a distinguished scent Eau Sauvage is. I had to tell him bluntly: "Yes, Monsieur Marcel, distinguished as you like, but can it rake in the honeys? Is it a babe magnet? Will it make the chicks chuckle? Will it make the damsels drool? Will it make the sugars shake? Will it make the cutecakes crumble? I don't think so!" Between you and me, Monsieur Nitram, as one man of the world to another, I'm afraid my poor master hasn't got a clue about what it takes to make a good fragrance!'
    Simplex Sigillum Veri

  13. #13
    Dependent superfluousPastry's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I remember reading this guy's reviews before I joined and they made me laugh because of how pretentious the writer seemed without being self aware. lol It's just absurdly stuffy and I remember thinking "Are most of the members of this Basenote's site like this?"

    Review of Santa Maria Novella's Patchouli by montagne

    My high expectations waned perceptibly, as I shuffled east along Piccadilly, past the Royal Academy. This part of town always makes me feel faintly embarrassed for the wealthy English, and the foolishness which renders them so easily parted from their money.

    A cigar shop, a walk-in humidor, where bouffant-headed dandies sell albeit reasonably good montecristos for ludicrously steep prices. Boutiques where a couple of rows of hand stitching on a flimsy bonded leather belt will notch the price tag up to triple figures. Country clothing of fantasy, for the country squire who will never venture without the city limits. Portly, plethoric fools being dragged by diamante-encrusted coquettes into 'exclusive' lingeries, milliners, and shoe shops, in pursuit of confirmation that they are "worth it," propelled by that ugly ethos of L'Oreal to nauseating excess.

    This end of London is all about sad people who vainly hope that happiness may be bought by buying the best, and who need to believe that simply paying more will close that deal. I try, in these places, to subdue the cynic in me; to tell that dog to lie down and be quiet. And he tries to comply. But when the doorbell rings, he still cannot help but let one bark escape. Diogenes of Sinope, walking the street in with a lantern in daylight, in the door of the Farmacia Santa Maria Novella.

    "This is the only patchouli in the world."

    I assumed he meant this figuratively:' it's the only one in the world worth considering'; or 'it's the only niche cologne comprised solely of patchouli'. Something along those lines. However, on further probing, it transpired that the fifty-something, meticulously groomed, linen-suited Italian patrician selling me the stuff, meant it literally. He really appeared to believe that there was currently no other patchouli, or patchouli-based product, or even a product containing patchouli in small proportions, available on the market in any form, anywhere in the world. His impassioned tirade on the subject was delivered with elaborate grasps to the air, and karate chops to the table, a gondolier strenuously punting his argument beyond the reach of refute.

    I had to like the guy. His heart was so invested in his story, and the cheek and the charm were so volatile in his eyes and so embedded in the happy lines of his face, that it would have seemed churlish not to suspend my disbelief. So I joined the conspiracy, and agreed with everything he said.

    I asked for a couple of sprays on my wrist, to try. Initial blast was like an intense, atomised vapour of simple off-the-shelf patchouli essential oil. The steam-distilled dark stuff, not he CO2-distilled heart, or the absolute, or anything special. A little muddy. Damp cadboard. Some menthol. Some camphor.

    "I'll take a walk around a while and let it develop."

    He smiled sagely as if this was exactly what he would have done, and beamed as if reappraising my virtues afresh. I'm worth it. See?

    I smelled my wrist at intervals over the next hour. Still damp cardboard and camphor. I made it as far as Chinatown, and had lunch. Damp cardboard. Camphor.

    Several hours later, back home, the smell had faded, rather than developed, to a very delicate camphor, and a coy, ever so slightly moistened, cardboard.

    Sorry, Giuseppe. I'm not worth £85 after all.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    a cab driver eats an orange

    Review of Bigarade Concentree by the white marmoset. Simple, elegant and accurate.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    There was one on a Nikki Minaj scent that said something to the effect of: "I like that you can remove her head."

  16. #16
    Dependent cytherian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I started to save off ones I've run into that had me laughing or impressed... Here's a few so far:


    Vivienne Westwood Anglomania

    ***--- darlingbuds ---***
    Ah! The scent of a fresh maxi-pad! A freshly-powdered crotch! An aromacoepia that can only whisper 'feminine hygeine'. Anglomania is an offering leached of great potential darkness. Like Anne Geddes babies in bondage leather with cat o' nine tails clenched in their chubby fists. Innocence and experience not playing well together at all. Olfactory effects in either direction are canceled out, as any bestial, sexual qualities Anglomania aspires to are flash-sanitized, rolled through the de-lousing chamber, and sprinkled with Love's Baby Soft on the way out.
    And it lasts and lasts.

    ***--- sky76sky ---***
    Dirty?! Really? Well slap me down with that maxi-pad...for me this is the polar opposite!

    Such super, super comedy reviews but I must be in the minority here - I love the opening! Slightly stripping green tea, warm fragrant cardamom, tangy, thick & heady rose, which at this stage is a little tart & sour. I am urging the leather to burst in now & take charge of this funky fragrance...but no. No driving force.....just a learner's leather that takes the very back seat on this 12 hr powder trip to roseville.

    As this scent progresses I start to lose interest. The rose grows thicker, sweeter, deeper. Very powdery violets vie for attention. These flowers are intense, pumped-up on plant steroids, & so, so sweet yet somehow they remain soft & feminine. Very odd.

    I am left with the feeling that here is a sweet&sour perfume pulled from the artistic imagination of a radical, risqué slightly slutty, creative queen yet appears to have been formulated by a parma-violet-candy-driven-powder-crazy-rose-child.

    Strangely addictive...which shocks me.

    ***--- nikkimouse ---***
    This is a love, for sure! It is a sweeter, more modern day version of Yves Rocher 'Orchidee', although Orchidee does not list which spices I can clearly pick up atleast the same corriander and cardamom.

    A bit flat upon initial spritz, but in a few minutes in transpires into a fuzzy soft, sweet and spicey, powdery sex kitten 50's style... this is very rockabilly!

    The amount of amber is just perfect! All the notes seam to prety much support each other, and not a single note taking center stage. The leather is hardly noticable, only enough to add that buttery skin eliment...and the vanilla is delicious, just Fabulous!!

    Another take on this, ...if you can picuture this. You wake up in the wee hours of the morning, silence, peace... a well being, safe, protected, happy place, as Bjork would say ''When it's oh so quite'', time to reflect on the day aheaed, and the days past. Time to reach for that expensive chai tea you save for just such moments. You sit in your very cushioned soft leather chair... sipping your freshly made warm tea... hints of spices from the tea hit your nose as you sip.. some cardamom, coriander, perhpas some hidden cinnamon, there's a vase nearby with freshly cut flowers from your yard, you know those purpley/blue fuzzy soft kind of flowers.... aaaaaaaaah, can you smell it?

    This scent is comforting and sexy, unique, with a touch of the old. Oh and don't get me wrong this is all woman, very feminine, but i do detect the slightest masqueline note all the way through to the end. It might be the tea with leather, it's not a light tea with milk, this is a full flavored black tea, As I explained, it does mellow out, but still stays fairly noticable, right through the drydown. I'm not absoutely sure on this, but I think that maybe just maybe the right man could pull this off.

    Sillage is moderate, longevity 4-5 hours. I think this could be worn any time of the year. While, it's warm with amber and comforting sweets and spices... it's prety mellow, i think the tea eliment and touch of leather really help balances things out...what really make this such an amzing, intruiging perfume. I dont see this being too cloying any time of the year, even summer

    Amouage Jubilation for Women

    ***--- Leesee ---***
    Reminiscent of fine champagne chased by a single, ripe strawberry, this scent seems tailor-made for the kind of woman who could run a boardroom with the same silky ease that she rules the bedroom.

    Van Cleef & Arpels Feerie

    ***--- Robert White ---***
    Hey, I've got a great idea, guys: let's manufacture a perfume for bimbos, and package in a bottle that you could perform a lobotomy with! And then let's charge a hell of a lot of money!! Really, not as bad as all that, but it smells like something that should have the name of a celbrity who's famous for absloutely nothing at all. Ca'nt decide if I hate or love the bottle.

    Guerlain Shalimar

    ***--- Robert White ---***
    Most straight men wouldn't wear this, but I love orientals, and this is the classic. Yeah, it's girly, but I get compliments from ladies when I wear it and I'm not sure that they know what I'm wearing. My long suffering buddies usually just groan and say "Whatever makes you happy, Bob". I love this stuff, from the bergamot top (which I sniff at before going out like a furtive basehead) to the vanillic drydown. I can't wait until I can afford the pure perfume and layer it with the EdP/T at which point my friends will probably hit me with a tranquilizer dart and throw me into perfume rehab. I love it...
    Some favorites: Perris Monte Carlo Oud Imperial, Amouage Epic Man, Versace L'Homme (vintage), YSL M7, YSL Kouros (vintage), Gucci Envy, Gucci Nobile, Gucci Pour Homme (2003), Hermes Bel Ami (vintage), Hermes Equipage, Chanel Antaeus (vintage), Chanel Pour Monsieur (vintage), Chanel Egoiste Cologne Concentree, Estee Lauder Metropolis, Jean-Marc Sinan VO, L'Instant de Guerlain PH Extreme, Guerlain L'Homme Intense, Prada Amber Pour Homme Intense, Etro Palais Jamais, Etro Vetiver, Etro Shaal Nur, Davidoff Zino (1st), AdP Essenza, AdP Intensa Oud, Gianfranco Ferre For Man (vintage), Elsha 1776, Balenciaga Ho Hang Club, Knize Ten, Calvin Klein Obsession (vintage), Jovoy Private Label, Monsieur Carven, Diptyque Hesperides, Byredo Accord Oud

  17. #17

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    About Aventus, but can't remember where I read it (Fragrantica I think).

    "It's nice, and it certainly smells better than some of the stinky f*ckers that ride the London Underground".

    Made me laugh.
    "I have to return some videotapes"

  18. #18

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Oh_Hedgehog's comparison of 1740 Marquis de Sade to eccles cakes: ". . .[A]nd a heart like a gargantuan Eccles cake, with the juiciness of stewed vine fruits and the richness of a sizzling slab of butter. I propose this scent be re-named 1793 James Birch, after the British shopkeeper who, according to Salford City Council, was the first to start selling the cakes commercially."

    Pure genius. I think of eccles cakes whenever I reach for the bottle.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I read the below post from BN member AbbyJo some time last week. It's not an actual review of Cartier d'un Soir but I had a good laugh.

    "I grew up with rose scented toilet paper and unfortunately Un soir reminds me of that. I banned my bf from wearing this because of the negative connotation."
    Last edited by CapriDog; 7th February 2015 at 05:01 AM.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Speaking of reviews of Tabac, the user Mouchoir de Monsieur did quite a few, his Tabac review is the stuff of legends. Pretentious, snobby and hilarious. I believe he wrote one about a fragrance he tried in Harrods, where he had to go puke, because it was so bad.

    Also, From Pyrgos reviews can be quite fun at times, especially when he and Bigsly (Love your reviews ) get into it.. Who knows what happened between those two.

  21. #21
    Super Member Probo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Montagne's review of Mazzolari Lui, here on BN:

    "Jesus, Dad", gasps my daughter, hoarsely. "You smell like a bum's nut-sack," adding, perhaps superfluously: "and not in a good way."
    Sometimes, it is necessary for a man to make a statement: "I do this for me, not for you."
    Thus, it is very gratifying to me that this fragrance causes such offense to the women of the household. Gratifying enough, in fact, to make me keep my own secret: I too think the stuff smells like mouldy laundry that a horse has urinated on.
    Worth it, though.

  22. #22

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    At least 7 out of 10 Luca Turin's reviews make me laugh madly. I recently read one in The Guide about a fragrance named (something) Provence where he states that, fortunately, he lived for eight years in Provence without ever meeting something so vile smelling.
    "Your fragrance with a fume of iodine" L. Cohen

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Quote Originally Posted by hednic View Post
    Also coming from Fragrantica written by Emma 0714 about Fantasy by Britany Spears:

    "If I could get a restraining order on this one, I would.
    Absolutely vile.

    Most obnoxious scent in the world.
    When to wear this:
    - If you want to radiate a cloud of sickly sweet fake. Especially great for spreading headache amongst other passengers on a train or bus a hot, humid summer day. (And even more so if you let the aroma mix with that cigarette-bud you are keeping in your pocket)

    - If you lack the sense of smelling.
    - If you want other people to hate you.
    - If you have the sense of smelling and want to hate yourself."
    That's pretty funny lol

  24. #24

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    From Fragrantica on Fierce:

    "There's no doubt about it, the bottle is ugly. This is a man's cologne not a teen girl's poster. My solution: duct tape. All real men can fix 99% of problems with duct tape. Trucks, boats, refrigerators fishing poles, guns, loud friends, you name it. This fierce bottle is no different. Put a couple pieces on the bottle; it will do two things. 1. hide the hideous picture. 2. Give it a new character that screams "I am a man that can fix anything". Ladies will stare in wonder at the sheer ingenuity, men will be jealous and will probably go home and do the same to their cologne. CALLING ALL MEN, time to be a leader, get out your duct tape if your don't wear it as a bracelet, and bring on the next problem. You can handle anything."

  25. #25
    Dependent superfluousPastry's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Marais's review of Black Orchid:

    According to one telling of the Greek myth, although Perseus managed to escape the Medusa's petrifying gaze through nifty use of Athena's reflective shield, the Gods failed to equip our hero with a mighty nose clip and he fell victim to the gorgon's scent of the day, Black Orchid by Tom Ford.

    Centuries may have passed, but the horror remains undiminished. Modern monsters who still wish to use BO, possibly in a misguided effort to detract from their hideously-deformed physogs, are entreated to think again, or at least apply with one dab of a brooch pin: any more produces a suffocating fog of sickening sweet stench - please have some thought for your fellow fiends, who would still like to be able to smell their own stink of the day once your awful presence has passed, without having to bolt back to the lair for a shower and change of rags.
    It is true that fish stink. It is also true that the river is
    beautiful. But the river would be beautiful despite the fish. What
    is noxious remains so.

    That is not to say that sh*t is not useful when buried in the wheat
    field. Bread made from the field tastes sweet, wine from the arbor
    sweetest. All things serve a purpose, but that is no reason to
    glorify what is abominable. A man must still watch where he walks
    and keep his sandals clean.
    c.21 of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, Trans: Normandi Ellis

  26. #26

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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    The blog 'I Scent You A Day' can be very amusing. A review for Ivoire de Balmain:

    I hope you don’t recoil from the vivid imagery, but this smells like a hot gusset on a warm day. It’s how hot nylon smells without deodorant, or how sweaty thighs smell after a few shower free days, drowned in talc to hide the smell.

    The title of this post is 'Sweaty Betty fills a room!'

    If you want to read the whole review:
    http://iscentyouaday.com/2013/06/09/...-fills-a-room/

  27. #27
    Basenotes Junkie hoschhti's Avatar
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I like my own review of Juniper Ridge's Caruther's Canyon which was removed because it's just too controversial:

    "Smells like a mix of car fumes and an old man's ass!"


    I had the guts not only to use the controversial term "old man" but I took it to the next level with "old man's ass"! Somebody at Basenotes didn't like it and removed it.
    FAVOURITES:

    1. Dia Man
    2. Tawaf
    3. Skin Graft
    4. Vitrum
    5. Norne
    6. Hindu Kush

  28. #28
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    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    I was so pleased with my recent purchase of a Molyneux's "Quartz." That is, until I read the following review by Naed Nitram:

    "Visiting my friend Marcel in his sanatorium the other day, I found that they had moved his bed out onto the balcony. A pale sun shone through the crisp mountain air and a few early flowers peeped shyly through the snow. I inquired as to his fragrance. 'It is Quartz, mon cher Nitram,' he whispered. 'I am not at all sure that I greatly like it but it is a perfect fragrance for an invalid. To me, it exudes the quintessence of the sanatorium: a chemical, medicinal smell interfused with pale flowers and long clean corridors."

    Ouch.

  29. #29

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    The women who write reviews are simply much better at it than the men, and are much more humorous as well. Sad but true, guys. Men either approach it too much from an "artistic" perspective, or simply go for the easy type of humor (compare to excrement, use or infer profanity, etc.). And they can either be too short, or too verbose....whether they are going for the humorous aspect or not. Women tend to get more creative with their reviews....like the ones mentioned here, while touching on more "relatable" topics that pertain more to everyday life, but without the profanity or "cheap comparisons" (i.e. - "smells like....").

  30. #30

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    From aspirina on Fragrantica:

    Cabochard Gres:

    "Cabochard, Cabochard...what can I say? Today this...cantankerous fragrance came into my life and, regrettably, is now inextricably linked with my mind's conception of the world of fragrances. When I first smelled this horse's hindpart of a nasal assault, I was blinded by images of grandmothers...my own...other people's grandmothers...coming to kiss me in funeral homes, or in churches which looked strikingly similar. I found myself transported back to that world where I was but a footnote to the family-sanctioned gluttonous revelry of my elders. This...perfume...if I may so flatter it, is enough to make perfectly happy nostrils want to close up shop early...it is enough to make your dinner date complain that he suddenly has come down with streptococcus...and I am pretty sure there are a couple of minor socialist dictatorships that could be toppled by its strategic use. In closing, I will say this, if the choice were presented to me, "sniff Cabochard or die," I must admit I would hesitate before inhaling once more this odious and disorienting fart of a perfume.
    Edit: the review was written by my husband ...and i am just laughing loud ..i never thought he could find this perfume a total turn off....i like it though ..a bit too much patchouli and cigarette smell ...but very herbal and similar to chanel 19."

  31. #31

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Luca Turin in The Guide on Parfum d'Empire Equistrius: "A zebra? Equal striations?"
    "No elegance is possible without it...perfume is a part of you." Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

  32. #32

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    This guy on Fragrentica.

    http://www.fragrantica.com/member/759780/

    All his reviews are gold. He's got to be playing a character. He writes from the perspective of an older man who has lived a fascinating life, but has gone a bit senile, rambling during his stories and working in some outdated cultural attitudes.

    This has got to be my favorite one of his; a review for Bond No. 9's Coney Island.

    Witnessing a human being, a friend, a young gentleman with a wife and children being overtaken by the horror the wendigo spirit embodies is a terrifying thing. My hunting party had found itself stranded in the northern Rockies as winter fell back in 83, and we knew things would be grim, but watching Stevensen go mad like he did, running off into the tall pines, driven by hunger, the endless cold and snow, the isolation, to what we believed was his death nearly drove us to despair. However, when he started hunting us, when we saw O'Grady's bones stripped of flesh in that clearing, with the gnaw marks of human teeth on them, when we saw him fall upon Clemens and begin ripping and tearing like a savage animal, it was beyond despair, beyond terror.

    In the end there were only two of the ten of us left, just Giovanni and I, and putting the monster that was wearing Stevensen's flesh down, like a rabid dog, remembering who he had been... I'm sorry, I cannot speak of this anymore.

    Coney Island is a fragrance that tastes nothing like it smells. It is bitter, foul to the mouth. It also burns when applied to the eyes. I strongly advise against doing so, and instead recommend that it be sprayed upon skin or clothing, for its scent, or the marvelous sound the sprayer makes when it sprays.

  33. #33

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    Eau de Pizza Hut by Katie Puccrik is hilarious.
    Here's a youtube link: Eau de Pizza Hut Review

  34. #34

    Default Re: Funniest fragrance reviews you've read?

    My favourite from the Guide is actually one of Tania Sanchez's, this brilliant takedown of Dior Addict:

    “I liked it very much in Macy’s when I went there drunk one day, and told everyone afterward I had found the perfect bourbon vanilla with orange blossom, as if it had been a life quest. Sadly, the bourbon was all me. TS”

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