How to Convince Your Significant Other You're Not Crazy

[Jeszra]

I'm just starting to get into perfume. I pretty recently bought a bottle of perfume because the fiance liked it and I wanted something I could wear while I sampled other perfumes. However, when I mention to him that I want to sample or try other perfumes his response is, "What's wrong with the perfume you have?"

I have him and a good friend of mine smell the perfumes I try in stores and typically they'll answer that one is "different" and not necessarily "better" than another. That's kind of the whole point, I don't have to wear the same scent every single day. I can smell different once in a while. I've mentioned this but I don't think he understands and just thinks I'm going to throw money away.

How have you worked around this issue (if it's been an issue for you)?

[Kagey]

Luckily, it's never been an issue for me. Is it really an issue for you? What I mean is, lots of people don't "get" those of us who are into perfume, and frankly there isn't much we can do about that (although some of us are lucky and our SOs take an interest). I wouldn't really call that an issue, though.

If it's causing serious problems in your relationship, that's another story. Frankly, I believe in live and let live.

[Jeszra]

I'm not expecting to convert him to liking fragrance as much as I do. However, because we share finances (and frankly he brings in most of the money) I feel obligated to justify my expenditure.

[Hayven]

When I first started buying a lot of fragrances, my boyfriend used to make comments when a package arrived in the mail. "What do you got there? More perfume?" I just ignored what he said and kept buying. I also swap online with people; he actually found the concept pretty cool--finding others who want your unwanted perfume and you get to try another one or get one you will like (most of the time anyway).

I bought a glass cabinet 2 months ago, and I had my boyfriend help me assemble it...he thought I was a little crazy then since I was going somewhat great lengths for my hobby. But in general he doesn't bother me about it. I did ask him if he thinks I'm crazy, but he said, "as long as you have the money for it and you're happy with what you're doing, I don't think so".

From a woman's perspective, I have always known other women to collect or use many bottles of perfume. So I don't find it crazy. Maybe it's the men's perspective, as which could be applied to the many bags, shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc. that they may question our sanity too. :P

[Izzie]

Well if you spend significantly more than he does on a "hobby" then I would understand his concern if you have shared finances, that he also contributes more to.

Get samples! Cheaper and you'll have more variety.

[Ken_Russell]

It has not been much of an issue so far, even if some of my SO's were, if not critical, then at least a bit confrontational or mildly passive-aggressive or even displeased about me "spending so much money on what I don't need in the first place, since I already have so many bottles already". While others were more accommodating and open-minded about it, their outlook on my fragrance passion being, irrespective whether I convinced them about it or not, "You have your hobbies, I have mine, let's simply respect that and keep tolerating some of the hobbies, interests etc. which are not mutually shared".

[hednic]

Luckily, it's never been an issue for me.

Nor for me thankfully.

[Jeszra]

Well if you spend significantly more than he does on a "hobby" then I would understand his concern if you have shared finances, that he also contributes more to.

Get samples! Cheaper and you'll have more variety.

That's the point, I'm trying to get samples. He doesn't understand that. "What's wrong with the 1 fragrance you have." Is his response to me wanting to purchase samples. I'm trying to work out a system we discussed previously in the future event I were to be a stay at home mom (which I'm not, I go to school, but close enough). That I would basically be given an allotted "allowance" or budget to be spent on hobbies or whatever at my discretion based on our budget. We've been lazy and haven't made a specific budget yet so I'm going to sit down with him this weekend and do that and discuss with him what he's comfortable with.

I don't like not having "control" over what I'm allowed to spend "pleasure" money on. If he wants to go out to a really fancy dinner or movie or to see a football game, he gets a choice about whether or not it's worth it vs. his other desires. I don't. I get my financial aid from school and give it to him up front to pay down whatever credit card bills we have and then basically rely on him to give me money for everything else (we don't share a bank account).

[teardrop]

If he wants to go out to a really fancy dinner or movie or to see a football game, he gets a choice about whether or not it's worth it vs. his other desires. I don't.

lt strikes me that this is the real issue here, & this is probably something you need to work out between you.

As far my bf thinking l'm crazy, yes, he does still think l am, a little. But he has grown to accept that it's something that makes me happy. Fortunately l have my own income, so financially it has never been an issue for him.

[senore01]

Their is no convincing. If you purchase and enjoy fragrances the way I and obviously most basenoter's do, then your significant other will always think that you are a nut case. lol

[hedonist222]

I think you should explain its more than a hobby and less than an obsession. A passion.
At least don't admit it's an obsession yet.

[30 Roses]

You could point out to him the concept of a fragrance wardrobe. If he buys a shirt, do you ask him "What's wrong with the shirts you already have?" He doesn't want to wear the same shirt every day, and you don't want to wear the same perfume every day.

However, this is a part of the larger issue about your finances. Since you are engaged, this is a perfect time to work out how your finances will work once you are married. You will both want to have a say in this, even if your incomes are very different and even if you are someday a stay at home mom (as I have been since our teen was born.)

Right now you just hand over your financial aid and he decides what to give you-- like an allowance. There are other ways that allow you more choice over the spending.

You may wish to only have joint accounts, but each of you gets an equal budgeted "personal money" allotment to be used as you wish, with no questions asked (my husband and I do this.) It is up to the two of you to figure out how much the budget allows for "personal money" but I personally think it's important that you each get the same amount to spend as you wish.

or -- later, if you have a larger income--

You may wish to do what some money experts advise (such as Suze Orman) which is to have separate accounts into which you each deposit your income and which you can use to make personal expenditures according to your own wishes, plus one joint account that is used to pay all mutual bills (housing, utilities, medical etc.) Each of you then makes deposits into that bill-paying account according to the per cent of your combined income you earn. That is, if you make 40% of the income and he makes 60%, then you deposit into the joint account enough to pay 40% of the bills and he deposits enough to pay 60% of the bills. The one who earns more contributes more.


Either way, it's important that each of you has some money to spend however you like, no questions asked. Having to justify every single thing you buy is too oppressive. Even if it's not a lot-- we can only budget $1/day for each of us (including my daughter, who gets the same that we get) for personal money, but even $30/month adds up.

[cacio]

I like the idea of budgeting for leisure expenditures. With that, then it's clear it's a hobby,as hedonist suggested, and things are under control. I don't see why anybody should have much to say about how one decides to spend this allowed leisure money.

You should also point out to him the 100+ frag collections (with expensive stuff) of many BNers.

cacio

[OctaVariuM]

Basically just listen to 30 Roses. You need to get to a place where you talk about money and figure out how much you can allot to hobbies. This way, you don't have to justify every single fragrance you purchase. Trust me, I know how it goes. I'm a college student working for pennies and I just make sure I have X number of dollars at the end of a month (usually not a lot) to put towards a new fragrance or video games, music, etc.

[Kybid]

My wife used to think I was a little crazy, but when I bought her a bottle or two here and there she got into it just as much as I am...almost. Now we both get excited when we are in an area with frags all around. So, my advice would be to get him to sniff some out and then buy him one or two and just get him hooked also. Good in theory, but not so easy to get to happen.

[southerngardens]

I can relate somewhat. We both have our own incomes and and sometimes we have to pool some of mine and when I want to buy a frag out of my income he says " you have so many already. You don't need anymore". But I have explained how fragrance affects the mood and evokes past memories and all of those wonderful things we enjoy about fragrances, I still think he thinks I'm a bit nuts. However, I have no intention on stopping my collecting and enjoying wearing frags.

[MikeJ]

No S.O. = No Issue. One of the perks of being single!

[Alityke]

Honey. This may not be about scent as others have also noted. Have you been together long? Is he controlling in other ways? Does he question your dress sense? It may just be he bought you perfume and by searching for others he thinks you're being ungrateful.

I do worry that meanness is deeply unattractive but if he's generous in other ways, treats you as an equal and with respect, maybe he is simply being cautious and is concerned that you're on financial aid from school and wanting to spend money on none essentials.

May I ask that you ask yourself if you were single would you be spending money on perfume? Or would it be keeping you in the essentials?

[southerngardensdesign]

Honey. This may not be about scent as others have also noted. Have you been together long? Is he controlling in other ways? Does he question your dress sense? It may just be he bought you perfume and by searching for others he thinks you're being ungrateful.

I do worry that meanness is deeply unattractive but if he's generous in other ways, treats you as an equal and with respect, maybe he is simply being cautious and is concerned that you're on financial aid from school and wanting to spend money on none essentials.

May I ask that you ask yourself if you were single would you be spending money on perfume? Or would it be keeping you in the essentials?

Alityke does make a valid point.

[Kagey]

You may wish to do what some money experts advise (such as Suze Orman) which is to have separate accounts into which you each deposit your income and which you can use to make personal expenditures according to your own wishes, plus one joint account

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Spending money is the source of so many tensions in so many relationships - I've seen that over and over. Just avoid it by having your own account that you can spend as you please, without having to justify anything.

And on that point, it's a concern if you feel you have to justify it. You're obviously not out there spending profligately on perfume and endangering your and your partner's ability to eat. If you can afford it and it makes you happy, it's really none of his business how many perfumes you have. Or CDs or books or pairs of shoes. It's no different. But then I'm also one of those people who believes that I don't own my significant other.

[dollars&scents]

This may be the tip of an iceberg.

I would suggest highlighting the need for a fragrance wardrobe, as Roses 30 suggested.

However, if he is not amenable to it, and views it merely as a waste of monies, perhaps, you should be forewarned of serious, financial issues surfacing later on as well.

Good luck to you in appraising your relationship, and its seeming deficiencies.

&

[Jeszra]

Thanks so much for all the great replies everyone! We discussed it today and I think (as I mentioned earlier) that a lot of the problem stems from a lack of a clearly defined budget. Because we don't have a budget down on paper, a lot of our spending is based on whims and anxieties. When he's comfortable with our finances we are probably overspending a bit and when he gets anxious about our finances he shuts down and says I'm spending too much money. He's agreed that a budget with set leisure spending will give us a definite parameter of what we can afford and keep the anxiety at bay.

Special thanks to 30 roses! The system you currently use sounds like something that would work well for us (though minus the joint account until we're married). The other system you pointed out sounds like a really good idea for when I've graduated and have a job as well.

I brought up some points a few of you mentioned about him perhaps feeling I'm ungrateful. He said he was more anxious about me getting into perfume because perfumes are more expensive than my other hobby, nail polish. I told him that's why I wanted to get samples, so that I could try out a lot of perfumes and invest in a few bottles I really love. That seemed to make sense to him (I hope).

[noirdrakkar]

I'm just starting to get into perfume. I pretty recently bought a bottle of perfume because the fiance liked it and I wanted something I could wear while I sampled other perfumes. However, when I mention to him that I want to sample or try other perfumes his response is, "What's wrong with the perfume you have?"

I have him and a good friend of mine smell the perfumes I try in stores and typically they'll answer that one is "different" and not necessarily "better" than another. That's kind of the whole point, I don't have to wear the same scent every single day. I can smell different once in a while. I've mentioned this but I don't think he understands and just thinks I'm going to throw money away.

How have you worked around this issue (if it's been an issue for you)?

i wish i could find a girlfriend like you, at least in that regard.

[calilove]

i just dont tell them

[30 Roses]

Money is the #1 thing couples fight about.

It is hugely important to get on the same page-- preferably now, before you are married.

The less combined income you have at first, the more funds will need to be set aside for fixed expenses-- and the more important it is to find ways to identify and plug the leaks, so to speak, so that more money is available for the things that matter to both of you. I suggest you both keep a journal for a month to identify where the money actually goes. This can really be an eye-opener.

What a great topic of conversation: what things matter to both of you. Each of you, make a list of what you think matters to the other, and then exchange lists and see how close you were-- and talk about each of the things you listed, and what it would mean for the way you use your time and money. For example, time spent with your and his family members may translate to time and money spent on traveling to see them.

It would be great to work out a tentative spending plan (a.k.a. budget) to guide you in your first year of marriage, which can be adjusted as needed. But it's hard to make a budget until you figure out what things matter more and less. So discuss the values first.

I'll tell you an anecdote that dates back to when we were engaged. I needed a lamp for my apartment, which would eventually move with me to our apartment when we married (we didn't live together until we were married.) So he would need to like it, too. One day we took a ride to the mall to find a table lamp. Easy, right?

Not at all. Several hours later, during which I vetoed all his choices and he vetoed mine, we sat down to figure out what was going on.

Turned out I was following the script I grew up with (buy a cheap lamp, maybe spend $30, and replace it when we got tired of it or it broke.) He was following a different script (buy a good quality lamp that would last for many years to come.) No wonder we couldn't agree on a lamp! I decided I'd go with his idea and we zeroed in on fine Stiffel brass lamps. We quickly found one we both liked (it was over $250) and when they went to half-off in a couple of months, we bought a second, identical one. I'm looking right now at these lamps-- they're still in our living room, 20 years later, still look great. We're not tired of them.

So figure out what money scripts you both grew up with. Who controlled the finances in your birth families? (Mother, father, both?) Who actually paid the bills? What money anxieties do you each bring to the table?

The time you spend on this will be well spent, trust me.

[calilove]

Money is the #1 thing couples fight about.

It is hugely important to get on the same page-- preferably now, before you are married.

The less combined income you have at first, the more funds will need to be set aside for fixed expenses-- and the more important it is to find ways to identify and plug the leaks, so to speak, so that more money is available for the things that matter to both of you. I suggest you both keep a journal for a month to identify where the money actually goes. This can really be an eye-opener.

What a great topic of conversation: what things matter to both of you. Each of you, make a list of what you think matters to the other, and then exchange lists and see how close you were-- and talk about each of the things you listed, and what it would mean for the way you use your time and money. For example, time spent with your and his family members may translate to time and money spent on traveling to see them.

It would be great to work out a tentative spending plan (a.k.a. budget) to guide you in your first year of marriage. which can be adjusted as needed. But it's hard to make a budget until you figure out what things matter more and less. So discuss the values first.

I'll tell you an anecdote that dates back to when we were engaged. I needed a lamp for my apartment, which would eventually move with me to our apartment when we married (we didn't live together until we were married.) So he would need to like it, too. One day we took a ride to the mall to find a table lamp. Easy, right?

Not at all. Several hours later, during which I vetoed all his choices and he vetoed mine, we sat down to figure out what was going on.

Turned out I was following the script I grew up with (buy a cheap lamp, maybe spend $30, and replace it when we got tired of it or it broke.) He was following a different script (buy a good quality lamp that would last for many years to come.) No wonder we couldn't agree on a lamp! I decided I'd go with his idea and we zeroed in on fine Stiffel brass lamps. We quickly found one we both liked (it was over $250) and when they went to half-off in a couple of months, we bought a second, identical one. I'm looking right now at these lamps-- they're still in our living room, 20 years later, still look great. We're not tired of them.

So figure out what money scripts you both grew up with. Who controlled the finances in your birth families? (Mother, father, both?) Who actually paid the bills? What money anxieties do you each bring to the table?

The time you spend on this will be well spent, trust me.

there 30 roses goes being a thug!!!!!!

[30 Roses]

Thug? LOL-- does thug have a new meaning I am unaware of?

[Jeszra]

Yeah that's something we're both adjusting to as well. I grew up with a little more money than he did and I ascribe to spending a bit more money for good quality items that will last (when reasonable) and he tended to only spend the minimum and hates brand names. He thinks it's silly that I buy Nike shoes, he always got shoes from payless. I buy Nikes because shoes from Kmart lasted a month and my Nikes lasted a year or longer. Now that he's in a professional environment he's started to switch over and has invested in nicer quality work clothes (though our casual wardrobe still primarily consists of Old Navy and such).

We've talked about the things that were important to us but not necessarily from a monetary standpoint but a "this is the kind of lifestyle I'm looking for" conversation. For instance, it's more important to us to be able to travel and provide a really good education to our daughter (and I guess ourselves) than it is to have a nice house or cars. Right now this is translating to us being engaged for 4 years and not settling down to get married or buy a house because our money is being put toward our daughter and study abroad for my education (we might all be going to China in a year or two).

And this thread now officially has nothing to do with fragrance >.>

[30 Roses]

Yeah, I really hijacked it. Mea culpa.

Here's another thought and exercise: In most couples one partner is more of a "spender" and the other is more of a "saver". We each think our point of view is the more valid one. Try trading places and arguing the other's point of view on a money issue. It's enlightening....

[hedonist222]

30 roses is the best thug. Whatever the new thug means lol

Right on 30Rs! Great advice.

[southerngardens]

30 roses is the best thug. Whatever the new thug means lol

Right on 30Rs! Great advice.

I agree!

[Alityke]

Jeszra. Well done to you both for discussion his money matter and recognising it was a symptom not a cause. You seem to have reached an admirable solution for you both. Your fiancé has been brave and forthright discussing his concerns and his emotional reaction to them.

A sign of a healthy relationship

[fit&frag'd]

Fortunately, it never became a huge issue with my wife, although she did find it a bit odd that I picked up the hobby of building a fragrance wardrobe seemingly out of nowhere and rather suddenly after 10 years of marriage. She didn't have an issue with the money, as we set up our budget to include separate spending money accounts. This way we can feel free to spend that money on whatever we choose, regardless of what the other thinks about it, and not feel bad or guilty about it. However, she just wanted to understand "why" I suddenly picked up the hobby and what I truly enjoy about it more than anything else. She isn't personally into fragrances (has worn only one simple vanilla-based fragrance for years)...but, she has her own hobbies that I don't, that she spends her money on. What's important, I think, is being open and honest about things like this, and simply communicating to your significant other why you enjoy it and what you enjoy about it so much. I believe that someone that truly loves and cares for you will do their best to understand and respect things like this, as long as it doesn't do any "harm" to you, them, others, or greatly impact your financial situation negatively (put you into debt or make it so you can purchase more important and needed things, for example).