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  1. #1

    Question Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Hi,

    I have looked around the forum and could not find an answer to this question but I may have missed it. If this is the case, please direct me to the thread.

    Here is the background to my question:

    I have been with this guy for 2.5 years. When we first started dating I told him how much I love the smell of his cologne and he told me that the female counterpart smelled even better. Fast forward a few months and I am getting the perfume for Xmas. I tried it a few times but every time I felt like I was betraying myself for several reasons including the fact that I had my own signature perfume so I didn't say anything to him and just stopped wearing it. Fast forward a few years and I am getting this perfume again, this time for our 2nd anniversary. The perfume has sat on a shelf for about 6 months without ever being used. Two weeks ago we were sitting on the sofa and I was browsing a shopping website and came across a perfume that looked intriguing. I casually told him this and the next thing I know he is upset and wanting to know why I don't like the perfume he bought me so I told him the truth that I didn't want to smell like someone he was with before because smells, memories and feelings are too closely linked. We have been fighting every since.

    He says that he has loved the perfume for almost 20 years and has given it to every woman he has been with since that time and that he has no emotional connection or memory to the perfume and the women he has given it to. I'm sure this was suppose to make me feel better but it didn't, now I just feel like a cookie-cutter-girlfriend. I have told him that I'm not mad and that if I was mad about it, I would have said something when he gave it to me. I also told him that I knew it was an expensive gift and that I appreciated the thought behind the gift but I just don't want to wear it. He is still mad and feels that unless I don't like the smell that I should wear it because he likes it and it's unfair he can't enjoy the perfume any longer.

    A little insight would be greatly appreciated?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I only did this once with my first girlfriend and it was because I was looking for a last-minute gift and I was across the street from a fragrance shop.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Welcome, hippy.

    I would be personally insulted if a man bought me the same scent he bought for another woman or women. It indicates a lack of thought. He may have had good intentions, but men can be a bit thick at times.

    Perfume is very intimate with a very personal connection, even on a subconscious level. Why do you thing some people like having a "signature scent" that they wish to be associated with?

    Even with the disclaimer of having loved the scent for 20 years, he can learn to love another scent just as well.

    Say you appreciate the thought but that you would like something more personal that he associates ONLY with you. If he has issue with that, then indeed you have a problem. I would not want to be only "one of the women that he has loved." One needs to feel special.

    When I married, I gutted the house of all things that belonged to the ex, which included some bottles of perfume stored in the back of a closet. They were forgotten but they had to go. Period.

    A compromise would be to shop with him and have him buy something you both like. What a shame to have to discover his connection with the perfume.
    Last edited by Primrose; 7th February 2014 at 05:02 PM.
    "No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this." Desert Rose by Sting and Cheb Mami, Album 1999.

  4. #4
    Basenotes Junkie Arij's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    He's definitely in denial about his emotional connection to the scent, but to be a devil's advocate, maybe he has subconsciously associated it to comfort and nurturing, as opposed to consciously individualized his memories of it.

    Secondly by saying; "I tried it a few times but every time I felt like I was betraying myself for several reasons including the fact that I had my own signature perfume." may imply a bit of projection in your part on his behalf, and inflexibility in changing yourself? (rhetorical question)

    Context is everything. Here is an example:

    A) Guy gives his mother's signature fragrance to his new girlfriend = weird
    B) Guy gives his mother's signature fragrance to the mother of his children = charming

    Maybe by indulging him unexpectedly with it on Valentine's Day for example, it would provide a positive experience for you both. On the other hand, if while wearing it he slips one of their names, or changes entirely his personality - Then you're with the wrong guy.
    Last edited by Arij; 7th February 2014 at 05:56 PM.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Welcome!

    It seems the situation has escalated a bit more than it should have, given what it is about. You shouldn't be forced to regularly wearing a perfume you don't want to wear. At the same time you shouldn't wear a perfume he dislikes.

    I'm with Arij, here. Keep wearing what you want to wear (provided he doesn't find it offensive), but wear said perfume sometimes, like valentine day or particular days. And without trying to give too many explanations on either part.

    cacio

    PS by the way, you've made us curious. What is the perfume in question?

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I wonder, if he likes it so much, why doesn't he wear it and let you wear what you like?

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I wouldn't feel insulted by being given a scent that someone loved sniffing on others but would most certainly resist being expected to wear one that wasn't 'me' just because someone else liked it.

    If it was one that I enjoyed it wouldn't matter to me who had worn it in the past.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I couldn't understand the logic of refusing a perfume presented by your bf just because he has given the same perfume to his ex... Because he likes the smell that's why he likes you to wear... It doesn't mean that he want to remember his EXs? Once he has left his EXs, why you should be bothered anymore? This simple matter is going to become a bone of contention between you and him. Why not to wear what he likes and don't give some other meanings?

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Before I was married, when i gave a gift of fragrance to a woman, it was always a different one for each. Had to keep them separate in my mind and this was a help in doing that.

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  10. #10
    Basenotes Member Linsul's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I know I'd be put off by a standard gf perfume, and agree he's in denial about emotional connection to the scent. The thought that immediately jumped out was "Why are you on perfume lockdown because he bought one bottle?" followed by "Don't rely on him to buy perfume." Wear what you like and if gets bent over it, remind him he has no shortage of memories tied to his choice. It's time to branch out and any input on the matter should be put in the form of his own interest in a new scent.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Seems to be quite the diverse opinion on the subject.
    I stopped wearing perfume altogether about a year ago when he told me that he didn’t like flowery scents. After he gave me the second bottle for our anniversary, I had planned on bringing samples home for some perfumes in the same scent group as the perfume he like so much (Davidoff’s Cool Water for Women) but the truth is that my efforts have been kind of passive. I have only come home smelling different 3 times in the last 6 months and he didn’t seem to have even noticed. The way I found the basenotes website is because I have been using fragrantica. com to find more perfumes that I could try thinking that maybe this all would be a nonissue if I had made a more active effort in finding a perfume he liked.
    There is no doubt in my mind that he has some type of emotional connection to this perfume or it would not have turned into such a big deal. We have barely spoken since last weekend. Perhaps the perfume has different meaning for him outside of the women he has given it too (including me). He has not been very forth coming about any of this. He even tried to lie and tell me that the first time he ever smelled the perfume was the day he bought it for me. All I have gotten from him is that he likes the smell and he wants me to wear it.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Maybe you two have deeper issues than scent to discuss?

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Will try to find words to share a lesson I learned. You have no choice but to be yourself. Don't argue about it, just be you. Decide if you love this guy. If you do, focus on his good points and ignore all else. How would that work in this situation? When you get the perfume a second or third time, smile and say thank you (because getting a gift is good). If you don't like it, don't wear it. Don't even discuss wearing it. Do hear him out if he wants to talk about it, not because you plan to cave in, but because you care about how he feels. He also has no choice but to be him. Sooner or later, he'll stop asking that you not be you. All this assumes that this is the otherwise good relationship it sounds like. If so, the grass isn't greener because there is no other side.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Pardon me for saying this, but...

    1. Making you wear something you don't want to sounds a little bit controlling...

    2. l wonder why you waited so long to tell him how you felt about it?
    "What is this secret connection between the soul, and sea, clouds and perfumes? The soul itself appears to be sea, cloud and perfume..." - from Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I feel the same about this as I would if my husband told me what I could and couldn't eat.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Your right ScentFan. We do have a great relationship... at least outside of this. I guess that is why I'm on the internet trying to get some insight into why some guys get the same perfume for different women and why they don't find it weird. I must have a strong association to scent and memory because I could not imagine buying a cologne for a new bf that I like on someone I had previously had an intimate relationship with tho I suppose some woman don't find it weird anymore than some guys.

    Teardrop: I wouldn't have said anything to him if he would not have asked because 1) I didn't think it was as big of an issue as it turned out to be and 2) I felt it would be rude to criticize someone for giving you a gift (kind of like the ugly Xmas sweater you keep in the closet for a few months). As someone has already said on this thread, sometimes guys are a bit insensitive and don't think things through. I just chalked it up to that.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Maybe he just loves that scent..
    I have received Curve as a gift at least 5 times from 5 different women..

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    OP, this sounds a bit unfortunate and frankly - like a red flag.

    I'm happy to hear that you view your relationship history as otherwise being good. If you hadn't said that, or weren't sure, I would very candidly have to advise seriously evaluating not just this situation, but the whole relationship to make sure you're comfortable with it.

    I'm just going to skip Internet political correctness here for a moment and give you my unvarnished "Guy Perspective":

    I agree that this comes across as controlling on the part of your partner. Why this is a big deal for him escapes me. If it were really important to him for you to wear this perfume, he would've previously been asking you before now why he wasn't smelling it on you after he gave it to you. From what you've described, the issue isn't caused by the fact that you're not wearing it, but rather from the fact that you object to wearing it. It's almost as if you're being punished for refusing a direct order. That's troubling.

    This one, if it's as you've portrayed it, is his issue. Not yours. I'd ask him to do some intellectually honest review of why this is an issue. And maybe find a girl who will comply with this request, while he's at it, if his pleasure at the expense of yours is such a priority.

    Sorry to break the bad news on this, but there's more involved here than seems to be on the surface.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I agree with some others, it sounds a bit selfish and possibly a little controlling. You say you have an otherwise great relationship. If that's the case, then he should be understanding of your likes/dislikes/feelings/etc... I am a guy and I would never buy the same perfume for the women that were previously in my life. Scent is definely associated with memory, that's the way we are programmed as humans. You said it yourself, "There is no doubt in my mind that he has some type of emotional connection to this perfume or it would not have turned into such a big deal." What is the connection for him??

    There are probably hundreds of thousands (millions?) of other perfumes. Surely there is one out there that he can agree smells nice and you would feel confident/proud to wear. Don't apologize for being yourself, that's what makes you special. Somewhere in all this there is a compromise, he just needs to be willing to see that. Just my thoughts.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    This is a bit of a reading -pseudopsycho I will be doing based on your inputs.

    As stated by one of the posters, there is underlying issue (an issue not talked about, fear, something) that both of you never touch on. Is it not the fragrance or perfume.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I think we often tend to judge other people's situations (and our own) far too harshly. They don't make perfect people. Not since a couple thousand years ago, at any rate. Can't find a single one without a serious flaw. No surprise then when a flaw shows up. It's guaranteed.

  22. #22
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    Quote Originally Posted by hippychick View Post
    Your right ScentFan. We do have a great relationship... at least outside of this. I guess that is why I'm on the internet trying to get some insight into why some guys get the same perfume for different women and why they don't find it weird. I must have a strong association to scent and memory because I could not imagine buying a cologne for a new bf that I like on someone I had previously had an intimate relationship with tho I suppose some woman don't find it weird anymore than some guys.
    Sounds like he doesn't even know why he's doing this. I'm thinking why wrack your brain? It's up to him to figure himself out. It's up to you to know and be true to yourself. I know it's hard...extremely hard...not to let a partner's apparently "wrong" behavior rattle you, but if this is a good guy, if he's your best friend, you really have no worries. He doesn't want to hurt you. Something's going on inside his head. If you don't let him avoid the issue by battling with you (who aren't the problem), maybe he'll do some self-examination.

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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I may be insensitive here so forgive me. Seems like a control issue and a red flag to me. My first thought was that he likes a perfume more than the girl and wants them all to smell the same. My situation was completely different. My partner loves a scent that I can't stand, and the reformulation is even worse. But, for Christmas I searched for the vintage version of the scent and gave him a bottle of the original. He is pleased...but now I have to smell it on him. But the gift was for him and not me. That is the reason for a gift, to please the other person, not ones self.

    As a rule I believe fragrances should not be given as gifts. Go together and find something the other person likes, or give a gift certificate. Fragrances are too personal and should always please the recipient, not the gifter.
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    p.s. That said, I should add: always follow your instincts. If they tell you something big is wrong, pay attention.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Why do some guys buy the same perfume for different women?

    I hope that you can find a resolution to your joint issues, hippychick.

    This thread is being closed as it will unfortunately not provide that which you seek.

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