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Thread: Sorry

  1. #1

    Default Sorry

    I’m sorry that the forums have been unavailable for the last week.


    I’d like to say that it was because of a server fault, or some maintenance thing.

    I’d like to say I was adding new features to make things all good, and that I’m sorry for the short notice.

    None of those are true though.

    The thing about suffering from depression and anxiety is that you think you’re doing good. You’re doing fine. Then something, a small, little, tiny thing gives you a bump. Another small thing comes along and gives you a bump. And unlike the strong people that have control of how their mind works, you don’t go ‘I can deal with this, this is fine’. You hide.

    But you can’t hide from a website that is always on. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. You can’t go on holiday and take a break from it. It is still there existing. Even if you cover your eyes from the monster, the monster is still there, like a living breathing object.
    So I did the nearest thing I could to hiding. I amputated the part of the website that was causing me anxiety, that caused me to stay in bed all day, that caused me to hide. I switched the forums off.


    But amputating the thing causing the anxiety doesn’t help. You have a new anxiety. The you-can’t-keep-the-forums-offline-forever problem. And I still have to deal with the problems that led me to turning them off in the first place. It hasn’t made any difference I’ve still spent much of the last week in bed, like the weeks before.
    This might be rambly meaningless waffle, but basically in a nutshell: I often can’t cope with the responsibilities that come with running a thing that started as a hobby, but now have to rely on to provide an income to support myself and my children. Its overwhelming and I can’t manage it all on my own. It makes me want to hide.


    Not sure where I go from here, but sorry for the disruption.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Grant- You have always been very forthcoming about your personal issues. I am sure we all welcome you back with open arms. i am also sure we all hope you get the best care for your mental health. Aside from a team of moderators, what kind of help are you seeking regarding the site, specifically the forums?

  3. #3
    Zgb's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sorry

    It's time to delegate a bit

    Good you're back...and the forum section.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Basenotes is a great site, and the forums are good fun, for the users if not the site owner. What issue were you having with the forums?


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  5. #5

    Default Re: Sorry

    Share the difficult bits out so it's in bite sized chunks and not so huge. We've all got good strengths. You don't have to do it alone. We might be a motley bunch but mostly good hearts.

    Black dogs lie down where they may, but eventually get up and just walk off..... no explanations. Nothing. Don't bother asking why they went. They don't know either.
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  6. #6
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    Default Re: Sorry

    There are a few users here who know web programming. I am sure they will help.
    I have PMed you earlier and am stating it again - I can volunteer a few hours of programming a month if you need.
    Beauty needs no morality or righteousness.
    It, like nature, does not give a shit

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Dear Grant,
    Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. But, I think that the ability to be this honest about your problems is an important part of healing so I think you're onto a good path.
    I hope things will further improve for you in the future.
    Whatever you may think of it now, you've created an amazing thing with Basenotes, the most amazing fragrance site, if you ask me and you should be absolutely proud of it!
    I, and I'm sure many other BNers, am so grateful that you brought the forums back, because it means a lot to us all.

    I agree that all burden should not be on one person only.
    So please, do share what issues you have with the forum and maybe we, as a community, could do something to help out. It would not be something we'd do for you only, but for us all!
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  8. #8

    Default Re: Sorry

    The wonderful thing about Basenotes is that most of us actually like each other (although we often have never met), and as far as I am aware everyone likes and respects you, Grant. You do not need to suffer alone. You have some helpful Moderators, and even more Basenotes members who would, I am sure, be happy to help in what ever way they can. We are all easily reachable. You are not alone.

  9. #9
    Basenotes Institution Darjeeling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sorry

    No need to apologize. Sounds kind of like the state I was in while at university. Led me to eventually drop out for a couple of years after a few years enrolled starting and stopping. Fortunately for myself I found some coping tools and eventually went back, but i can recognize it still lurking nearby.
    Thanks for your work bringing back the forums. Wishing you all the best.
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  10. #10

    Default Re: Sorry

    Have you considered selling the site, Grant? It will be a weight off your shoulders.

    Not sure of the going rate, but pretty substantial I should think

    Then maybe starting something new would help ?

  11. #11

    Default Re: Sorry

    I agree with David Ruskin - this is a good bunch of people and we all love you, and would be willing to help out in any way we can. Please let us know what we can do, both individually and as a group, ok? Sell the site, if you need to, or perhaps get some advice from a business consultant as to how you can make the site turn a profit for you. It's not worth the mental anguish you're going through just to keep the forums open for us - let us know what we can do to ease that burden for you. You are an amazing man and we are all behind you!

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Ironically, after my separation, when I tried therapy, I would get so happy when we talked about perfume, she thought I didn't need to come back after three sessions, and that I could just talk to Basenoters about perfume for free.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Sorry

    I hope you feel better, Grant.

    I too had rough week, my family asked me on a few occasions if everything was o.k. with me. I didn't have the strength to tell them that Basenotes was down, and it put me in the dumps. You help a lot of people, and this community is my therapy, so thank you for all that you do to keep this site running.
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  14. #14
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Well, Im on the other side of the fence... I'm here for free, but I do post, so I invest some time and effort on this forum... and my time is not for free, so IMO I also have a right to speak my mind...

    That said, I think members that pay a monthly fee deserve a lot better than a random "will turn down the forums because I'm in a bad mood"... the real world does not forgive the weak/emotional rants... that's just unacceptable...

    I see Basenotes as your son... you say you have some kids too... will you let them starve several days because you're not in the mood to give them food?

    Good thing is that now you're back on being the same Grant, founder and owner of Basenotes...

    Take advantage of your current state of mind, with your emotions at balance and find a permanent solution for the issue that's bothering you...

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by David Ruskin View Post
    and as far as I am aware everyone likes and respects you, Grant.
    Absolutely the truth!
    Remember that while it is perfectly acceptable to criticize the content of a post - criticizing the poster is not.
    Mean spirited, nasty, snide, sarcastic, hateful, and rude individuals on Basenotes don't warrant or deserve my or other Basenoters' acknowledgement or respect.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by Vernona View Post
    Dear Grant,
    Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. But, I think that the ability to be this honest about your problems is an important part of healing so I think you're onto a good path.
    I hope things will further improve for you in the future.
    Whatever you may think of it now, you've created an amazing thing with Basenotes, the most amazing fragrance site, if you ask me and you should be absolutely proud of it!
    I, and I'm sure many other BNers, am so grateful that you brought the forums back, because it means a lot to us all.

    I agree that all burden should not be on one person only.
    So please, do share what issues you have with the forum and maybe we, as a community, could do something to help out. It would not be something we'd do for you only, but for us all!


    Thank you for being honest Grant as it will help all of the members here to see that there are issues with the site which affect you far beyond what we could imagine on this side of the screen. Vernona makes excellent points and if you are able to divulge exactly which part of the forums are problematic then I'm sure that practical solutions would be forthcoming and members would accept any changes to ensure that the forums continue.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Sorry

    I don't really mind the forums being on and off, and completely understand your issues.

    However, I'd rather have no forums than a forum with ham-fisted moderators with a dictatorial attitude locking down threads and banning members. One of the reasons why many have left the building - I plan to follow suit.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by freewheelingvagabond; 7th March 2017 at 02:19 PM.
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  18. #18

    Default Re: Sorry

    Jesus, Grant, the way you described it hits straight to the heart - I've experienced that perspective of life that depression presents to you all my life and have never really been able to articulate it that way.

    Thanks for creating and upkeeping a service that brings happiness to me and so many other people.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Grant, we really do appreciate your being candid with the community. You could have easily claimed there was some peculiar software glitch and the fix went awry, keeping you guessing for over a week. But you revealed what really happened and we're glad to know that you are honest about it. It helps a lot too, getting an understanding of what happened. I work in the software field, and while I'm not a web server expert, I was beginning to wonder what was blocking the solution.

    I suggest polling the membership for web server systems and website forum programming/maintenance experience. Find some people you can rely upon for technical advice. We know this is a grass-roots effort site that sprung from a hobby and that you've got limited resources, so don't be afraid to rely upon the help of others. It's probably too expensive to hire a consultant to assist.

    I know the feeling... when you're stuck on a problem where the solution is difficult to find, it can be so imposing as to neutralize your will. I've gone through this before, a number of times in my life. I once had it so bad I couldn't open my mail. I had this dread to look at the front of business envelopes for fear they might be from the IRS (I had a bad year once where they audited me--and the fear lingered for years that it would happen again, even though I was fine). So I'd pay bills on-line just fine, but I couldn't take dealing with them coming in by physical envelope. Irrational. And then eventually something would prod me, like a bill that I couldn't pay electronically. I'd have to force myself to look. I even got a really good letter opener to help (the kind with a mini-blade in the crook, that makes it a snap to open them). And I'd be fine for a while. But if something got me down, the "mail fear" would happen again. When I had someone there, like a girlfriend, who would see the pile-up, she'd ask me if I needed any help... and that kind of "prodded" me... got me over it.

    So let us help you -- reach out when you need help either way. Some of us are good at talking to the black dog and getting it to chase a stick, so it'll go away for a while. Believe me, there's nothing quite so therapeutic as being able to talk to someone about issues you're facing. It's much better than staying under the blanket, where the air is thick and stale, robbing you of your will.
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  20. #20

    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by rulopbo View Post
    Well, Im on the other side of the fence... I'm here for free, but I do post, so I invest some time and effort on this forum... and my time is not for free, so IMO I also have a right to speak my mind...

    That said, I think members that pay a monthly fee deserve a lot better than a random "will turn down the forums because I'm in a bad mood"... the real world does not forgive the weak/emotional rants... that's just unacceptable...

    I see Basenotes as your son... you say you have some kids too... will you let them starve several days because you're not in the mood to give them food?

    Good thing is that now you're back on being the same Grant, founder and owner of Basenotes...

    Take advantage of your current state of mind, with your emotions at balance and find a permanent solution for the issue that's bothering you...

    Are you so removed from empathy that you mention the cost of a poxy monthly fee and your lack of service over clearly serious deliberations regarding the site? send me your paypal details and delete this message as the members only have Grant and Basenotes in mind and not entitled assumptions from members who are so self involved to make such comments.

  21. #21
    Dependent cytherian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by rulopbo View Post
    That said, I think members that pay a monthly fee deserve a lot better than a random "will turn down the forums because I'm in a bad mood"... the real world does not forgive the weak/emotional rants... that's just unacceptable...
    Rulopbo, the site wasn't completely down. The forums were accessible via tapatalk and other apps that access the forum database directly without going via HTTP.

    You do have some nerve making such a judgement when you're not paid member. Think about it. Let someone from Basenotes Plus speak that out. Your being a free member who joined less than 2 years ago has very little justification for such criticism.

    If this was a paid site, where membership wasn't free for anyone, I agree that this kind of situation would not be acceptable as you'd have a lot of people up in arms. I don't know how many people are paid members, but it appears to be growing. And I hope Grant will open the doors to let willing members help him out. Managing a website these days isn't rocket science any longer - there's TONS of info out there to help with troubleshooting... and then there is consulting help to fall back upon when desperately needed.

    If Grant pools together a member support team that can give him tech advice, that would be a good step in the right direction. I'm sure there are also home-grown website support forums out there where people talk about issues, tips, and techniques for running a website forum. He should get on some of those where he can have further help to draw from.
    Last edited by cytherian; 7th March 2017 at 01:49 PM.
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  22. #22
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by rulopbo View Post
    Well, Im on the other side of the fence... I'm here for free, but I do post, so I invest some time and effort on this forum... and my time is not for free, so IMO I also have a right to speak my mind...

    That said, I think members that pay a monthly fee deserve a lot better than a random "will turn down the forums because I'm in a bad mood"... the real world does not forgive the weak/emotional rants... that's just unacceptable...

    I see Basenotes as your son... you say you have some kids too... will you let them starve several days because you're not in the mood to give them food?

    Good thing is that now you're back on being the same Grant, founder and owner of Basenotes...

    Take advantage of your current state of mind, with your emotions at balance and find a permanent solution for the issue that's bothering you...
    It's $20 for the entire year to become a Basenotes Plus Member. As a person who uses this service, I think I can handle the forums being down for 4 or 5 days if it means making sure the owner gets their mental health state back to a normal level. You need to reevaluate your morals if you feel the need to attack a person who openly admits to having an issue with mental health.

    Grant, thank you again for all your hard work. The majority of Basenotes appreciates your service and commitment to this site so please do not ever think you're letting us down by any means. It's an absolute privilege to use all these features and I think the need to put pressure on yourself regarding the operation of this site is unnecessary.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Sorry

    One of the hardest things people deal with is "asking for help" in their daily lives, whether that be about personal things or anything for that matter. There is something about human nature and most of society today that puts some sort of irrational fear in many of us when faced with the prospect of needing help in some way. I hope you can find some of the help you need from any of the community members that could possibly be able to take on some responsibility or give some helpful advice. And please take the time to reflect each day on all the good things that you have in your life. I think that's the best way to deal with the troubles we all go through in our daily routines and experiences.

    I am also just a basic member, but really appreciate all you have done Grant with this site! There are so many great and interesting ways of getting information here, and I thank everyone else here for all the time and effort you put in with requests/inquiries/questions polls/information/feedback etc. etc. etc.

  24. #24
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    Default Re: Sorry

    I applaud your courage to tell us of what you've been dealing these days. Thank you Grant!.

  25. #25

    Default Re: Sorry

    Dearest Grant -

    As someone who struggles with keeping multiple plates spinning smoothly at the same time, I empathize completely. If there is anything we can do to help distribute the weight of this for you, please let us know.

    Please be kind to yourself and know that you are loved.

    Tang
    .
    Sniff and let sniff.

  26. #26

    Default Re: Sorry

    Please have the mods help you do this. There are some great people here on this site that can help you with the day to day here. Ther are other sites I'm a member of where the owner is rarely around because of their career, but he has mods that run the site flawlessly. Good luck with your trials, and thank you for the honesty!
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  27. #27

    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by rulopbo View Post
    my time is not for free
    That may be true, but Basenotes is not forcing you to spend it here. Goodness, have a heart, rulopbo!
    .
    Sniff and let sniff.

  28. #28
    Dependent Wasatch's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Yeah, delegate if you can. I appreciate all the work you do for this site. Take Care!
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  29. #29
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    Default Re: Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by mlsweeney View Post
    It's $20 for the entire year to become a Basenotes Plus Member. As a person who uses this service, I think I can handle the forums being down for 4 or 5 days if it means making sure the owner gets their mental health state back to a normal level. You need to reevaluate your morals if you feel the need to attack a person who openly admits to having an issue with mental health.

    Grant, thank you again for all your hard work. The majority of Basenotes appreciates your service and commitment to this site so please do not ever think you're letting us down by any means. It's an absolute privilege to use all these features and I think the need to put pressure on yourself regarding the operation of this site is unnecessary.
    Well said. This is not only the best and most informed site but it is also a community/family/therapist/school and I think a lot of us have taken for granted the amount of time and effort Grant and other moderators put in while we enjoy the ride for free, myself included. I won't anymore and will be purchasing a membership soon. As Bavard mentioned, the site is also therapeutic for some. For me personally, I honestly think it's what has kept me out of bars and sober for over a year. I'd rather come here and learn something than sit in a meeting. It works. So thank you Grant. Reach out, we will help.

  30. #30

    Default Re: Sorry

    Do we take Basenotes for granted? - Pun not intended. It's a "your gonna miss me when I'm gone" situation. Thanks for showing us our dependence upon the Forum. We really do appreciate your work, Grant! Probably enough to help achieve more self-sustaining support ??
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