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  1. #1

    Default When something's wrong with your partner

    I think there's something wrong with my partner. He is used to be a good-looking guy, always updated with fashion, neat, always happy and active. However, this past few months, I noticed that he started to grow his beard. He does not want to go the barber shop anymore to have a clean cut. His fashion statement has changed. He looks so dirty and smelly. He's not always in the mood and not even interested to go for a date with me. I asked if he is fine and he said that he is perfectly okay. I don't believe him I know there's something going on. What do you think of these signs?

  2. #2

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    He should be screened by a doctor for depression.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Depression.
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  4. #4

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Sounds like he wants to live in Portland, OR.

  5. #5

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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Sorry to hear that. Who knows, depression, chemicals, other conditions. But if anybody doesn't want to be helped, there's little one can do.
    cacio

  6. #6
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    You need to speak to his friends and family.

    Possibly depression, but who knows?
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  7. #7

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Have you tried asking him?

    Maybe hes going through a rut?
    Sometimes I'm also not in the mood.

    Admittedly, not for months at a time. A few days at most.

    But maybe its just a prolonged rut.

    Ask him. Gently.
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  8. #8

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    OP said:

    " I asked if he is fine and he said that he is perfectly okay. I don't believe him I know there's something going on."

    Men in this situation are often unwilling to admit they need help. I agree with speaking to his family and friends.

  9. #9

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    I think you guys are right. I read from BetterHelp some similar signs of depression in men. I feel worried about him. I don't know how to approach him and suggest to see a counselor or therapist. Would I offend him if I say that?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Zilpha View Post
    OP said:

    " I asked if he is fine and he said that he is perfectly okay. I don't believe him I know there's something going on."

    Men in this situation are often unwilling to admit they need help. I agree with speaking to his family and friends.
    Yeah, this might be true. I'm thinking of ways on how to convince him to open up with me.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Zilpha View Post
    He should be screened by a doctor for depression.
    I'm already thinking of it but I'm afraid that I might offend him. I don't know how would I bring that up to him.

  10. #10

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Another vote for depression. He needs to see a professional.

  11. #11

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by sailorcut View Post
    I think you guys are right. I read from BetterHelp some similar signs of depression in men. I feel worried about him. I don't know how to approach him and suggest to see a counselor or therapist. Would I offend him if I say that?

    - - - Updated - - -



    Yeah, this might be true. I'm thinking of ways on how to convince him to open up with me.

    - - - Updated - - -



    I'm already thinking of it but I'm afraid that I might offend him. I don't know how would I bring that up to him.
    This is why you should consider enlisting the aid of his friends and family. Perhaps an intervention is in order. Or perhaps he would listen to one person more than any other. I (a total stranger) knew you would be concerned about offending him. That's perfectly natural. But if he doesn't stop his downward slide, better an offended boyfriend than a dead boyfriend. Don't wait until it becomes that serious.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    As per the above, mostly likely scenario is some underlying depression. Seeking a counsellor or medical professional would likely help him in the right direction. Even if he isn't clinically depressed, it's worthwhile speaking to someone professionally as it can really help with everyday gripes where most may assume they need no help. I would personally advise everyone to seek a counsellor/psychologist at some point in their life to have a more expanded view of why you feel the way you do about certain things, and why you may act differently to others in certain situations.

    As always, when addressing this with him, there may be an element of defensiveness on his part if you tell him you think he's depressed.

    I suppose one approach would be asking why he's grown the beard/not going for barbers' cuts/dressing down? There's a potential to have an answer which dismisses any depressive signs, or he might open up. Alternatively, you could mention you've noticed an acute change in his behaviours (i.e. quick, rather than gradual) and that it is somewhat concerning for you as you loved how he took pride in his appearance?

    Lastly, having been through some of that side of mental health concerns myself, I'm happy to chat to you more via PM if you want it, or if he wants someone to talk to privately I can offer that as well. That's not to say I'm a professional or have training in this myself, but have taken a number of avenues after a significant experience in my life lead to depression/anxiety/PTSD. I can speak from experience and share what has worked for me and why (with regards to CBT or mindfulness, should he have a tendency towards depression). Bear in mind depression is very much a spectral condition, so severity of it can only be acknowledged and addressed by a professional.

    As always, chaps/chapettes alike, it's great to open up if you're feeling down, or worse. More people need to do this. There will always be someone to help you, I'm sure of it!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Zilpha View Post
    This is why you should consider enlisting the aid of his friends and family. Perhaps an intervention is in order. Or perhaps he would listen to one person more than any other. I (a total stranger) knew you would be concerned about offending him. That's perfectly natural. But if he doesn't stop his downward slide, better an offended boyfriend than a dead boyfriend. Don't wait until it becomes that serious.
    I agree with the sentiment of an intervention but, as you eluded to, there's the potential for defensiveness in this regard. I've seen this first hand to the point someone close to me took a backwards step when I advised them of my concerns regarding x and y. I think it'd be better trying to address this as a casual chat between two parties of a relationship (i.e. the OP and her other half), whereby the OP forwards concerns and questions the behaviour to have a better understanding of it.

    I also agree speaking to family/friends may help. He may have opened up with them more than the OP, as is sometimes the case to defend those closest to you from the truth.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by sailorcut View Post
    I think you guys are right. I read from BetterHelp some similar signs of depression in men. I feel worried about him. I don't know how to approach him and suggest to see a counselor or therapist. Would I offend him if I say that?
    As above, I'd say that there's more of a spectrum to depression than an unequivocal "You feel this therefore you're depressed" aspect. Furthermore, there's no true distinction between depression in men and depression in women, it is what it is.

    I think you may offend him if you say "I think you need help", as that puts it in a negative light. I'm sure you'll work out a conscientious approach!

  13. #13

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    is it just me or does using the D word feel like quick draw?

    on the spectrum of feeling sad

    you have depression on one end and unhappy on the other end

    in between those 2 extremes are many other grades of sadness....
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  14. #14

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by hedonist222 View Post
    is it just me or does using the D word feel like quick draw?

    on the spectrum of feeling sad

    you have depression on one end and unhappy on the other end

    in between those 2 extremes are many other grades of sadness....
    I think so. This thread got serious, fast.

    Often, people just go through a period of feeling slightly disengaged or uninspired.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by hedonist222 View Post
    is it just me or does using the D word feel like quick draw?

    on the spectrum of feeling sad

    you have depression on one end and unhappy on the other end

    in between those 2 extremes are many other grades of sadness....
    Quote Originally Posted by Suspended View Post
    I think so. This thread got serious, fast.

    Often, people just go through a period of feeling slightly disengaged or uninspired.
    I definitely concur with both of these sentiments. Some people do draw on 'depression' as a self-diagnosis, when it might be something considerably more trivial.

    I guess, at a glance, for it to be a couple of months of acute change points more in the direction (symptomatically) of depression. It's certainly a sliding scale as you both mention, but I'd approach this as a potential for 'worst case scenario', in which case addressing it as clinical depression should allow for wiggle room. If it turns out to be just a rut, then no harm done by having anything worse checked out. Conversely, approaching clinical depression as if it were a simple rut could allow things to spiral, which wouldn't be great (of course).

    To use an extreme example, if I found a lump on my testicle, it could be a lipoma (fatty lump) but I'd rather check it more thoroughly to ensure it's not more malicious.

  16. #16

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by Suspended View Post
    I think so. This thread got serious, fast.

    Often, people just go through a period of feeling slightly disengaged or uninspired.
    Quote Originally Posted by Benz3ne View Post
    I definitely concur with both of these sentiments. Some people do draw on 'depression' as a self-diagnosis, when it might be something considerably more trivial.

    I guess, at a glance, for it to be a couple of months of acute change points more in the direction (symptomatically) of depression. It's certainly a sliding scale as you both mention, but I'd approach this as a potential for 'worst case scenario', in which case addressing it as clinical depression should allow for wiggle room. If it turns out to be just a rut, then no harm done by having anything worse checked out. Conversely, approaching clinical depression as if it were a simple rut could allow things to spiral, which wouldn't be great (of course).

    To use an extreme example, if I found a lump on my testicle, it could be a lipoma (fatty lump) but I'd rather check it more thoroughly to ensure it's not more malicious.
    Haha exactly

    And that's why one should refrain from perusing the local motorcycle delaership, while in a rut, lest they end up coming home with a third motorcycle. Much to wifey's dismay.
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  17. #17
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by hedonist222 View Post
    Haha exactly

    And that's why one should refrain from perusing the local motorcycle delaership, while in a rut, lest they end up coming home with a third motorcycle. Much to wifey's dismay.
    Well THAT sounds anecdotal!

  18. #18

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by Benz3ne View Post
    Well THAT sounds anecdotal!
    And what are you calling this one, said wifey?

    Because I named my second one 'midlife crisis'.

    Sorry to derail thread.

    Back to the thread...
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  19. #19

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by Benz3ne View Post
    As per the above, mostly likely scenario is some underlying depression. Seeking a counsellor or medical professional would likely help him in the right direction. Even if he isn't clinically depressed, it's worthwhile speaking to someone professionally as it can really help with everyday gripes where most may assume they need no help. I would personally advise everyone to seek a counsellor/psychologist at some point in their life to have a more expanded view of why you feel the way you do about certain things, and why you may act differently to others in certain situations.

    As always, when addressing this with him, there may be an element of defensiveness on his part if you tell him you think he's depressed.

    I suppose one approach would be asking why he's grown the beard/not going for barbers' cuts/dressing down? There's a potential to have an answer which dismisses any depressive signs, or he might open up. Alternatively, you could mention you've noticed an acute change in his behaviours (i.e. quick, rather than gradual) and that it is somewhat concerning for you as you loved how he took pride in his appearance?

    Lastly, having been through some of that side of mental health concerns myself, I'm happy to chat to you more via PM if you want it, or if he wants someone to talk to privately I can offer that as well. That's not to say I'm a professional or have training in this myself, but have taken a number of avenues after a significant experience in my life lead to depression/anxiety/PTSD. I can speak from experience and share what has worked for me and why (with regards to CBT or mindfulness, should he have a tendency towards depression). Bear in mind depression is very much a spectral condition, so severity of it can only be acknowledged and addressed by a professional.

    As always, chaps/chapettes alike, it's great to open up if you're feeling down, or worse. More people need to do this. There will always be someone to help you, I'm sure of it!

    - - - Updated - - -



    I agree with the sentiment of an intervention but, as you eluded to, there's the potential for defensiveness in this regard. I've seen this first hand to the point someone close to me took a backwards step when I advised them of my concerns regarding x and y. I think it'd be better trying to address this as a casual chat between two parties of a relationship (i.e. the OP and her other half), whereby the OP forwards concerns and questions the behaviour to have a better understanding of it.

    I also agree speaking to family/friends may help. He may have opened up with them more than the OP, as is sometimes the case to defend those closest to you from the truth.

    - - - Updated - - -


    As above, I'd say that there's more of a spectrum to depression than an unequivocal "You feel this therefore you're depressed" aspect. Furthermore, there's no true distinction between depression in men and depression in women, it is what it is.

    I think you may offend him if you say "I think you need help", as that puts it in a negative light. I'm sure you'll work out a conscientious approach!
    Thanks for this sound advice... truly an eye opener

  20. #20
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    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    Quote Originally Posted by sailorcut View Post
    Thanks for this sound advice... truly an eye opener
    Very welcome - I hope this helps the pair of you. Hopefully it's nothing more than a little rut which will pass! Be sure to let us know how you're getting on in due course.

  21. #21

    Default Re: When something's wrong with your partner

    If you really do care about him .. open with him about your problems or some problems that you have faced in the past .. That way he will share things with you too and you will get to know more about whats happening with his life that has made him like this.




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